Okay, you’re not depressed! Yippie! What do you want? A medal or a chest to pin it on?
But what if, and follow me on this because it requires you to have an ounce of empathy and understanding for the feelings of another human being, what if someone you love is depressed? What if your loved one is in pain and needs help? What can you do? Well, over the years of dealing with people who could be called depressed in one way or another, I’ve compiled a list. No, not really. I just decided to write this list out because I’m tired and I wanted to get this inspiration out before it vanished into the ether.
1. Shut up and listen
No really, shut the hell up and listen to what they have to say. If someone who is depressed can actually muster up the energy to tell you what’s bothering them, don’t interrupt, don’t start suggesting anything. Don’t try to tell that story about that one time when you felt down all afternoon but you snapped out of it with positive thinking and a good vitamin E enema. Frankly, very little that you have to say will be anywhere near as helpful as just sitting there and listening. What’s worse, if you start babbling inanities or giving them the same tired advice that every other dickhead on the planet gives*, they’re only going to shut down and not tell you anything from now on. You’ve really got to learn to just sit back, listen, make reassuring noises and just be there for them.
*People who don’t understand depression give dickhead advice. This is a fact. “Just cheer up” and “I remember I was once sad for a whole hour” is not only not helpful, it comes off as insulting and stupid.
2. Understand there is no quick fix and possibly no fix at all.
You might be able to distract for a moment, or level your loved one’s feelings for a while, but you’re not going to fix anything in a day. Someone who starts a crying jag for no reason at 3 in the morning doesn’t want to hear any Pollyanna bullshit anyway. Actually, if it’s a clinical thing, you’re not going to fix anything ever and you can only help with coping. No, really, they will never “snap out of it” they will never “cheer up” and they will never really “get better”… ever. Pretty much, the best you can hope for is learning how to manage it, but that’s not as bad as it sounds. Mostly management is okay, you can get by with a minimum of fuss and tears.
3. Watch for warning signs.
These are different with each person, but you’ve got to learn what their signs are. If you can catch a crash in the early stages, you might be able to at least help turn it into a controlled decent. You probably can’t stop it, but you can help cushion the blow a little. This might take a few cycles, and it will require a lot of trial and error, but there is a significant lessening of problems if you learn what to look for and how best to combat the crash before it starts.
4. Know when to walk away for a second.
Very important. There comes a point where you’ve got to disengage and take a breather. You’ve got to be able to get out of the room, take a moment for yourself and just let it wash out for a few minutes. You can’t help if you’re being dragged under with exhaustion. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run. I’m serious about this, you never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table. There will be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done. There are times when you need to get up, walk away, have a moment to yourself and take a deep breath. Optimally this should be after you’ve got the situation stabilized for a moment, but you do need to do it once in a while.
5. Know who to talk to for help.
Your loved one very probably has some kind of professional therapist. Go to a session or two with them, ask the therapist a couple of questions, learn from the expert so you can better help at home. Find books or online resources that might offer helpful hints and advice. And of course, ask the person themselves what you might do to help.
6. Understand that you have an influence.
There are people who say things like “Only you can decide how you feel” and “No one can influence your emotions besides you” which I’ve always sort of thought was retarded frankly. That sounds nice, but that sort of denies that we are social animals and fails to explain mass hysteria, mob behavior or why someone yelling puts us on edge. I’m guessing those people are psychotic and you should avoid them because they’re probably planning on wearing you as a skin suit. Seriously, you’re dealing with a person who, for want of a better term is a bit fragile. Your indifference or understanding could help push them in on direction or the other. That’s not to say you’ve got to be a slave to their every mood swing, but you should really try to understand that you can help or hinder the situation. Support is very important in any relationship and here it’s even more so. That’s not to say you can just snap someone out of it by being understanding and cheerful, it doesn’t work like that. Remember, this is more management than it is any kind of problem solving.
7. Don’t Ever Belittle Their Pain
Very important this, can’t stress it too much. Unless you just want to end the relationship right there and ten, don’t ever tell the person that they’re not really depressed. Once you start with that, there is no point talking and they might as well leave you. This isn’t like being sort of sad that one day because your goldfish died, so please don’t ever try to compare it like that. You’re often not even talking about a mood that can be dealt with using Earth logic. Trying to tell this person you’re supposed to care about that you think they’re just doing it to get attention or something is just going to make them think you don’t care at all about them. It’ll end all conversation because once something that stupid comes out of your mouth they know there is no point talking to you anymore. Nothing is worse for them than thinking they’re entirely alone with no hope of solace in the entire universe. As much as it may sound unhealthy to say it like this, they depend on you for support. Of course, you also depend on them for some support at well. It’s a mutual system and even without the specter of depression you’re going to have the support thing hanging over you.
There you go, seven points, written by someone who should have gone to bed an hour ago. But I wanted to record a couple of radio shows and then I had this idea so I had to type it out, then I had to spell check it, read over it and make sure it made sense (A dodgey prospect at best since I’m both tired and dyslexic) and now I’m getting around to posting it. That's the big difference between your journalist and your fiction writer. The journalist actually has to think and work on a story, not turning it in until it's properly researched and doesn't read like a drunken scribble*. Your fiction writer is used to just jotting down whatever gibberish comes to mind and flinging it out the door. If no one can understand it, you can claim it's art and they should be cleverer if they want to get it.
*In a perfect world
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