POST THE WHOLE DAMN ARCHIVE!!!

I have a fucking headache... and I am a billion weeks behind on all projects. So fuck it! PICTURES!

Why I shop Online

You know why I prefer to buy things on the internet?
It's not the convenience, as I find going to the shops convenient enough and it gets me out of the house.
It's not the prices. Unless you're a penny pinching bastard, the difference is often negligible and those people who stock things and smile when you come in have to eat too.
It's not the speed, that's one of the reasons I still bother trying to go to the shops.

No, the reason I shop online is that Amazon often actually has the products I want to buy!

Give you an example. I went to Bed Bath & Beyond, because my blender needs a new Rubber o-ring. The one we had broke and I want my smoothie! Simple, right? NO! After looking around for an employee for about ten minutes, a kid was eventually found who would admit to being the person who looked after the section where the blenders were kept. Yeah, not only did I have to find an employee, but I had to find one who knew anything about the blenders. THEN! I was told they don't stock the item I was after but as the kid pointed out... "We can order that for you"

Why would I have them order it for me? I can do THAT myself! I said, as politely as I could manage, "Thanks, I'll order it off Amazon." and left muttering "And I will enjoy watching your company sink and disappear like Borders did, because they also refused to stock what I wanted to buy."

So I went home, got on Amazon and within two minutes I had ordered three lovely o-rings that I presume will do the job nicely.

Now I just have to pick a cigarette case out to play the part of my new wallet and get some cards from Moo (and maybe a card case for those) and I'll be all set.

The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Thirty-Three)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

 

Last week’s entry can be found here.

 

Chapter Thirty-Three: Bullets Miss Me

 

            When I bought the Drexel, which I did very carefully in Pittsburg, I did something to it. I carefully put a drill down the barrel and dug away part of it. The result of my drill job was that the gun wouldn’t fire straight. If you were standing more than, say, five paces away, the bullet would hit the divot I’d created down the barrel and start to turn so that it would exit the barrel at an angle. A predictable angle no less, one you could depend on. Not one you could aim with, but if you stayed in the right zone the bullet would never hit you.

            I felt the air split as the shot fired, but I didn’t react. I stood pat, unflinching, so fucking cool. The sort of cool that would make Fonzy himself say, “Daaamn, that’s cool.” I was pretty sure that my coolness was such that even some of the guys were getting wet. Father William pulled the trigger nine more times, but I was a man of my word and only one thirty-two round was in the gun. He looked at the gun and then at me and then threw the gun at his desk, causing another scar and sending it across the office.

 

            “You might be able to balance an eel on the end of your nose,” I told him, doing my best Robert Mitchum impression. “But you can’t get away with committing attempted murder with this many witnesses. Particularly not since you just used the gun that killed Cole King.”

 

            “That gun killed Cole King?” he asked looking over his desk at it.

 

            “Funny how you were able to pull it out of your desk like that. Don’t you find that odd?”

 

            “You threw it at me,” Father William demanded.

 

            “You ordered an eighteen-year-old girl raped to death, and then you wanted a private eye and a federal agent killed,” I told him. “Never mind who will the courts believe, who will the people believe? Will they sympathize? Or will they rip you a new one for this weekend’s work?”

 

            “What do you want?” Father William growled.

 

            “Why kidnap Jill Piper so much?” I asked him, folding my arms. “I don’t get that at all. Why is she so important to you? Is she worth 500 Raleigh cigarette points or something?”

 

            That was when, for the second time in twelve hours, the government came to my rescue again. The doors burst open and five men came rushing into the room with guns drawn. I spun around, yanking the second handgun from my pocket and aiming. I would have fired a warning shot except I noticed the blue nylon jackets with the three letters in yellow as they started shouting the name of their agency and telling everyone to get on the floor.

 

            “On the floor now!” one of them shouted, and seemed a little put out that none of us dropped. Not a one of us even so much as moved, even I was still pointing my gun at them. I think I was in shock, finding that it was our side who had decided to raid the place instead of theirs. The young agent looked sort of confused and gave me an imploring look. “You’ve got to drop the weapon and get on the floor.”

 

            “Why?” I asked him, which he probably wasn’t ready for. “I’m the one that has the drop on you.”

 

            “There’s five of us.” he almost whined.

 

            “That’s right,” I told him. “And I’ve got the drop on all five of you.”

 

            If I decided to shoot them all, it wouldn’t have been a problem, because they just sort of looked at me with mystified expressions. So confident was I in my belief that I had them covered they actually looked at their guns as if they were the ones who were supposed to drop them. I think they might have dropped them if I’d had another three seconds to just look at them with an expectant expression.

 

            “Smith,” Alice said after letting me play tough guy for what she considered to be a polite amount of time, “What the hell are you doing?”

 

            “Arresting them for kidnapping you and Mister Collier and Miss Piper,” Smith said.

 

            “That is Mister Collier,” she said pointing at me.

 

            “I’m Miss Piper,” Jill spoke up, waving at him with a cute little wave.

 

            “You may feel free to arrest Father William,” she said pointing at Big Bill. “He’s behind the desk.”

 

            “You’re under arrest,” Smith said pointing his gun at Father William and company.

 

            “I knew an agent Smith once,” I said lowering the gun. “He got killed in Michigan.”

 

            “He was a relative sir,” Smith said as eight more agents came into the office, which was getting really small really fast.

 

            “Ah,” I said and then added. “This room is getting too small.”

 

            It was a controlled chaos, but I was allowed to leave the room for an emergency stairway that gave me some breathing room. I stood out there for a few minutes, breathing and listening to the alarm bells that were ringing a cacophony in my head. There were a lot of questions that I needed the answer to, and I wasn’t thinking I was going to get good answers anytime soon, if ever. I rarely get the answers that would actually explain things. Good lord my head hurt, I didn’t realize that I’d grabbed it and was rocking back and forth until the door opened and Alice half stepped into the stairway.  I had to let go of my head to turn and look at her looking at me leaning against the wall, holding my head. She looked concerned and worried and angry all at once. I could sort of tell I was in some kind of trouble with her, even though the anger faded the longer she saw me cradling my head.

 

            “Are you okay?” she asked.

 

            “How did they know where she was being held?” I asked. “How did they know where to find you? How’d they know where to find me? How did Smith and company know to show up just when they did?”

 

            “I told them where you were,” she said holding up her left hand, the fingers were red and swollen, but they looked like they were in the right shape. “I don’t think they actually broke anything but I’ll need to see a doctor.”

 

            “How did they find you?” I asked.

 

            “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know how they found Jill either.”

 

            “How did they know where we were? How did your people know we were here?” I still hadn’t moved from the place where I was, crouched down and leaning against the institutionally painted white cinderblock wall.

 

            “Smith!” she snapped while opening the door.

 

            “Yes ma’am?” he asked coming to the stairway with us.

 

            “How did you know where we were?” she asked.

 

            “Miss Cove called me.”

 

            “Pardon?” I asked.

 

            “Shiri Cove, she works for you,” Smith said. “She followed you here and then reported it to us.”

 

            “How did she know to do that?” Alice asked,

 

            “What the hell is she doing?” I asked, standing up. “We do not cooperate with the authorities. I’m gonna have a talk with that girl, she’s letting down the firm.”

 

            “Saved us though,” she said.

 

            “I had them on the ropes,” I told her. “They were about to fold.”

 

            “Sure they were,” she said. “Well now they really will fold.”

 

            “I guess,” I shrugged.

 

            “Did you do that for me?”

 

            “What?”

 

            “Get him to shoot at you,” she said. “Did you do that for me?”

 

            “Sort of,” I said. “Sort of a plan I’ve had.”

 

            “How did he miss you from that distance?”

 

            “When you examine the gun you’ll see that a hole was drilled down the barrel; basically it’s offset a few degrees. He couldn’t have hit me from that distance, which is why I also stood ten feet away from Cole when he shot himself.”

 

            “So he did shoot himself?” she asked.

 

            “Yes.”

           

            “And then you took the gun with you.”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “You were ten feet away?”

 

            “I wanted to make sure he couldn’t shoot me.” I probably sounded like a monster, the way I could rattle off the details in such a cold emotionless way. “But that he could shoot himself. He wanted to shoot himself in the temple, but that had too much room to go wrong so I told him to put it in his mouth.”

 

            “But it was his choice?” she continued to harp on the one point. “You were far away from him and just told him how to do it?”

 

            “Yeah,” I said and looked at her. She didn’t look angry anymore, she looked like she sort of understood.

 

            “Okay,” she nodded at me and pulled her foot out of the door, letting it close and lock behind her. “You made me feel a little used back there in the van.”

 

            “Sorry,” I tried to smile, but it hurt like hell from the beating I’d taken. “It was all I could think of to distract them.”

 

            “I don’t like being used,” she said.

 

            “I’ll remember that.”

 

            “Okay,” she nodded, looking sort of embarrassed. “I’m a grown woman, I can make up my own mind.”

 

            “Okay,” I agreed, because that’s what you do at this stage.

 

            “Okay,” she said again. “I just want it understood. I’m not that sort of girl.”

 

            “Understood,” I nodded. “I’ll consult you first if we’re ever in a similar situation, or I’ll make other plans.”

 

            “Okay,” she repeated, and her whole face was one big blush. “I’d rather repair the fence than kick you off the reservation. That’s all. I don’t want us to break up, just don’t treat me that way.”

 

            “Never happen again babe,” I said.

 

            “Are you thinking about me naked?” she tilted her head to one side and gave me that look.

 

            “Always,” I told her. “Actually I’m trying to figure out what color panties you’ve got on. I know they’re a fancy pair, I felt the lace.”

 

            “White,” she smiled. “They’re white.”

           

            “Okay,” I smiled through the pain, because being charming is important.

 

            “What are you going to do now?” she asked.

 

            “Not sure,” I said. “I’m going to have to have a word with my employee though. We don’t cooperate with federal authorities at Collier Investigations.”

 

            “You cooperate with me,” she tilted her head again, but that was a completely different look. That was a mended bridge look.

 

            “Only because I want to sleep with you,” I grinned, and did not wince despite the pain.

 

            “Aren’t you supposed to not tell me that part?”

 

            “So confident am I in my wonderfulness that I can be totally honest and not worry about the repercussions,” I said and then looked down at my shoes. “I’m going to have to take Jill back home, go by routes that aren’t expected. I think it’ll be best if we don’t make any records of where I went or how I intended to get where I was going.”

 

            “Just vanish into the heartland?”

 

            “Yeah,” I agreed. “Go someplace where no one would ever look.”

 

            “Where wouldn’t anyone look?” she asked.

 

            “I’m thinking about that,” I said. “When I do, I probably won’t let you know though.”

 

            “You suspect me?” she asked.

 

            “No,” I said. “I suspect that someone around you might listen in on a phone call or something.”

 

            “You know, Debbie said you have some trust issues,” she threw that one out at me, just sort of tossed it lightly.

 

            “Did she?” I asked.

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            “When?”

 

            “We talk,” she said. “She and I talk.”

 

            “Ah,” I nodded. “This isn’t me having a trust issue, I’m just paranoid about the people around you.”

 

            “You’re sure?”

 

            “I’m sure,” I stood up and put an arm around her waist. “If I didn’t trust you, I’d have stayed far away.”

 

            I kissed her then, because I couldn’t think of anything that would be that good.

 

 

 

One more before I go

Near we the end?

Colors

More pictures

Like a duck to sandpaper

Space and stuff

Dear Sergei Korolev,

Sorry that everyone went batshit over Yuri this week while ignoring your efforts... AGAIN! Let us also appologize to Valentina Tereshkova, who also gets ignored at times like these.


And by the way, Jack Parsons was a rocket scientist who was into Sex Magick (note the K, which stands for bullshit) and held rituals to appease Pan before doing tests on rocket ships. How anyone can come up with bullshit conspiracies, when there is FACTUAL evidence that proves ancient pagan gods got us to the moon for the purpose of producing the Moon Child! Who the fuck needs "We never went to the moon" when you can so easily read a fucking book and have "We went to the moon because we wanted a Pagan/Alien gangbang!"

YO!

Foggy lens

RUle One: There are always more pictures

Folderol and V

More Folly & Some Vienna

YO!

The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Thirty-Two)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

 

Last week’s entry can be found here.

 

Chapter Thirty-Two: A Lion’s Den

 

            I was not at all surprised that we drove directly to The Church of Thinkonomics World Headquarters. I was a little surprised to notice a dark sedan following us most of the way but not entering the parking garage with us. I notice that with interest because if they’d been meant to watch over us and make sure we got there the thing would be to come in with us and menace us some more. However it just kept going. Maybe I was wrong about them following us, but I doubt it. I’m paranoid, not stupid.

 

            We got out of the van just as the one and the other were starting to come to from being smacked around. That was good because it meant I could have them walk behind us and they’d probably not be willing to fuck with me even a little now.

 

            “You follow me and Miss Liddell. Get it?” I asked them as we got out of the van. “If you fuck around, even a little, I will just gun you down and worry about everything else later. Note that I didn’t say I’d kill you either. I can shoot you in places were it’d take days for you to die, even with medical help.”

 

            I figured I was having a bad enough day that a few lies wouldn’t cause me anymore troubles. My karma was pretty much in the red ever since Sweden and I didn’t think it would really ever be back in the black anyway. So I made myself out to be a bigger badass than I was, why not?

 

            We went into the building, with Kevin leading me to the set of offices where Jill was being held. I was pretty sure I could trust Kevin, we were just about BFF after all. Kevin held me in that wonderful combination of dumbstruck awe and pants wetting fear. In that place, trust can germinate and sprout up like something sprouty.

 

            We walked through the building, looking normal and escorted. People knew the one and the other one so it was easy for us to get around. When we got to the waiting room of the office where Jill was being held there was a slight problem.

 

            “What’d you bring them here for?” a guard in the waiting room asked.

 

            “Supposed to,” the other one said, since his jaw hadn’t been broken.

 

            “Fuck that,” the guard said taking a step towards me.

 

            I decided to make the point that I was not to be fucked with and shoot him in the leg, up in a fleshy part of the thigh. The gun shot sounded loud in there, and I was pretty sure it would bring more trouble quickly. I walked toward the guard that wasn’t on the floor screaming and put the gun barrel against his head.

 

            “Where is she?”

 

            “In there!” he pointed to a door with his thumb.

 

            “Watch him,” I said as I kicked the screaming one’s legs away from the door, getting a fresh howl for my effort.

 

            Jill was being held by a man in a doctor’s outfit. I’m guessing he wasn’t a real doctor though. He had a scalpel in his hand and was holding it to her throat, trying to look like he wasn’t pissing himself with terror.

 

            “I’ll cut her throat!” he shouted.

 

            “I’ll kill you slow if you do,” I said taking a step towards him. “Let her go now, and you can walk away from this. I only want her, I don’t care about you.”

 

            “I’ll cut her,” he repeated.

 

            “Oh fuck you! I don’t have time for this,” I fired a round that shattered the air and tore a largeish hole through the dry wall next to him. He closed his eye and froze when the shot rang out. I approached and put the barrel against his forehead. “They next one goes through your memory of your third birthday!”

 

            He let the scalpel fall to the floor and I yanked Jill away from him. I was getting annoyed though, so I did give him a smack with the butt of the pistol, just to remind him that he should always do what armed French/Irish/Welshmen tell him to do. We left the little office and went into the waiting room where Alice handed me another gun and patted one she had in her pocket.

 

            “You come with us,” I said slipping the standing guard’s gun into my jacket and then looked at the might-be doctor. “You! Take care of the wounded here.”

 

            We left the waiting room and were back down the halls in a moment. Kevin lead us to the main elevator and the other one took out a key that would let us go to the top floor. We waited quietly together as we went up.

 

            “Is this where we were supposed to be going anyway?” I asked.

 

            “Yes,” the other one said. “Father William wants to see you.”

 

            “Well, I want to see him,” I said.

 

            The elevator didn’t open directly into an office, but into a large and comfortable waiting room. I would have done things differently if I had a private elevator that needed a key, but then I am not a lunatic cult leader. I’m not saying one leads directly to the other, but it might.

 

            “Can I help you?” a secretary asked.

 

            “Jack Collier,” I said walking across the thick carpet towards the door. “I am expected.”

 

            I threw the doors open and found four people standing around a desk arguing something, probably what they were going to do about the three dozen of their members being held on rape and murder charges. I walked to the center of the office and announced my presence by shooting the phone on the desk.

 

            “I don’t want us to be interrupted,” I said tossing the gun over my shoulder and letting it bounce on the soft flooring.

 

            “Who the hell are you?” a strong jawed, white-haired man in the chair behind the desk demanded.

 

            “You should know me by now,” I admonished him. “I’m the man you wanted to see so badly you assaulted a federal officer and had him kidnapped him at gun point.”

 

            “You seem to have changed the situation of our meeting,” he leaned back in his chair and toyed with a watch chain on his vest. A brass plaque before him said that he was called Father William. I saw a degree from an eastern law school on his wall.

 

            “I do that,” I told him. “So what do you want to talk to me about?”

 

            “You know our security is right outside these doors?” one of the men asked in an oily and instantly irritating tone. His suit was so hideous, it looked for a moment that he was dressed in newsprint, but I saw that it was just an ugly pattern made to look like newsprint.

 

            “But I’m in here,” I smiled. “Your security isn’t very good if Heckle and Jeckle here are an example. They didn’t even pat me down to see if I was armed, which I was. Besides, you’ve kidnapped a federal agent, you’re in deep shit right now.”

 

            “Who says we’ve kidnapped her?” Father William asked. “Maybe she’s with us.”

 

            “Oh, you are nothing but a pack of cards,” Alice said and fired a round at the desk, putting a big hole in the polished wood.

 

            “You can’t push my paranoia buttons like that Billy,” I waved it away. “Last time I was fucking her, it took an hour for her toes to uncurl. You couldn’t turn her with a key. So what did you want with me?”

 

            “We’re going to kill you.” the man who looked like he was dressed in newspaper said.

 

            I walked toward the desk and I’m glad to say he backed away. Still though, I’d had had enough and I smacked him good and hard across the head with the sap. He went down like a trust fund princess on whatever guy happened to pull his dick out for her. I sat down in a big green velvet chair and crossed one leg over the other.

 

            “Well?” I asked. “Are we just talking shit? I’ve got things to do today, my time is worth a thousand pounds a minute.”

 

            “We were going to explain that you had us all wrong,” Father William said, unfazed by my violence. That was bad, he wasn’t afraid of me.

 

            “How do I have you wrong?” I asked. “I’ve had to take back Jill from you guys three times now.”

 

            “Three times?” Father Williams asked.

 

            “Once three years ago, once last night, once today,” I said. “Three.”

 

            “Ah, of course,” Father William nodded. “I forget about poor Cole sometimes.”

 

            “You shouldn’t forget Cole King,” I admonished him. “Cole King could still get you killed. So how do I have you wrong? Is Zeeba not really what your little religion is all about? Did you not attempt gang rape last night?”

 

            “We’re not your enemy,” Father William waved my accusations aside as if they were just so much smoke. “We could be your friends. A man of your resources could have a position in our organization.”

 

            “But your organization is about to be smashed by federal investigators,” I said. “And what the feds don’t do to you, I will.”

 

            “We don’t need to be adversaries here,” Father William smiled and tried to sound like a man willing to make a deal. “We could be friends.”

 

            “This is how you treat your friends?” I asked. “Thugs and beatings and killings and making my girlfriend cry?”

 

            “We could just as easily kill you,” Father William snarled.

 

            “Try it bitch,” I stood up and walked a few steps toward the desk. “You think you’re the first bitch to ever try to kill me? I’ve fucked up Church and took his thug Opus’s eye out. I split Knock the Mountain Troll’s head open with a shovel and in case you never read the papers I killed seven of the most dangerous people on earth with one blow. You’re gonna need an army if you come up against me Billy boy.”

 

            “We have an army!” Father William snapped, finally getting mad at me. Another few sentences and I’d have him ready for my surprise gift.

 

            “Got a Navy and an Airforce?” I asked. “Cause you bitches seem to think I’m just some guy who can be pushed around and scared. You can’t scare me, evidence has proved you can’t kill me, and you can’t do anything to those around me because every time you do I’m right fucking there on your ass bitch. Piss me off, go ahead, see if I don’t follow you to the ends of the earth.”

 

            “You little puissant,” William snapped.

 

            “Try it now,” I walked five steps back from his desk and pulled the wrapped handkerchief from my pocket. “Come on bitch. See what you got.”

 

            “Jack?” Alice asked, and I took my eye off Father William just long enough to glance at her.

 

            “I hope you’re watching carefully.” I said. “I’m looking forward to that dance.”

 

            I snapped my hand out and held the corner of the handkerchief. The Drexel thirty-two flew from the handkerchief and sailed across the room. It bounced on the desk, leaving a mark, and then hit him in the center of his middle mound. He grabbed the gun, had a look at it and pointed it directly at me.

 

            “It’s loaded,” I said. “But you only get one shot. I’d suggest you put it in your mouth and end it, otherwise I will fuck your whole world up.”

 

            “You little shit,” he said pointing the gun directly at me and pulling the trigger.

 

Free the didlos

I heard about a book called Liberating Masturbation the other day. I didn’t hear anything else though, just the title and that it came out during the sexual revolution. My problem is, I don’t know if the idea of the book is the liberate masturbation, or if it’s being liberated through the idea of masturbation.

Are you jerking free the idea of onanism from the hands of the old guard and letting it squirt free and sail like a mucusy dove? Or is it rather that you’re finding a new self-liberation through spanking the monkey? Do you achieve a greater freedom by relieving yourself of those tyrannical sperm cells that have been holding back your joy?

And is it possible that this is another feminist work?

Should I have said that it’s about rubbing out tyranny?

Photos

Fancy says "look at the pictures!

Pics

The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Thirty-One)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

 

Last week’s entry can be found here. 

Chapter Thirty-One: Kidnapped Again

 

            “Are you ready yet?” the other one asked.

 

            “How did you get Alice to betray me?” I asked him.

 

            Alice closed her eyes tight, but I saw a tear fall. She didn’t look ashamed, she looked like she was being humiliated. Something was wrong there, something made me begin to think I was being paranoid in the wrong direction.

 

            “Come on,” the one said while the other gave Alice a little shove.

 

            She winced and pulled her shoulder away, like it had been twisted pretty hard. I was beginning to wonder if maybe she wasn’t betraying me here. Maybe we were both staying in the same place and they picked us both up at once. Maybe they just grabbed her first and made her tell them. How many more times was I going to wrongly accuse her of this? Zero, I hope.

 

            “Hang on a second,” I said walking towards Alice. “If she betrayed me, I should get to at least get the kiss of death, don’t you think?”

 

            “What?” the other asked.

 

            “Lots of people, do you want a scene or just a kiss?” I asked. “It’s a Detroit thing. We act tough like this and if you annoy us we kill you and burn your house down.”

 

            “Whatever,” the other growled.

 

            I put my arms under her jacket, sliding along her bra line and down to her waist. The jacket had no extra weights in the pockets and there was no holster on her person. She did wince twice though as I touched tender spots. I kissed her, good and hard with lots of tongue. She winced when I touched her shoulder and only pressed the wrist of her left hand against me instead of grabbing on for real.

 

            “Never thought you’d flip me,” I said, hoping she got that I was telling her I believed in her. “Always thought you were on my side.”

 

            “Jack,” she started.

 

            “Shh,” I said putting a finger on her lips and tipping her the tiniest of tiny winks. “Don’t worry about it, these things happen.”

 

            “Come on,” the one said to me, and something poked me in the back. “Let’s go. And don’t try nothing. We can make it look like you started it, whatever it is.”

 

            “Hey babe,” I said looking over my shoulder. “When it comes down to it, I will start it. Where we going?”

 

            “Front lot,” the one said.

 

            “Groovy,” I wondered if he had even the slightest idea how angry I was.

 

            “Jack,” she started.

 

            “It’s okay sugar tits,” I said. “I know, they said they weren’t going to hurt me and you believed them. It’s cool. I know I look bad, if the economy weren’t so bad I’d buy a hunk of beefsteak and put it over my face. Beefsteak’s too expensive right now though.”

 

            “I didn’t,” she said.

 

            “I believe you,” I said sharply and quietly before adding loudly. “I believe you didn’t know what they’d be doing.”

 

            We walked out into the parking lot and I saw a burgundy van parked far enough away that no one would take notice of it but close enough that it didn’t look like it was trying to stay out of the way. I had one of those moments I have some times. I started to slap at my pockets, finding my keys and knife were in my front right pocket, cell phone in the left front. I tapped the right front pocket again and felt the oval plate that said that phrase that made me famous for almost twenty minutes a few years ago. Time to live up to that shit again.

 

            I reached behind my and patted at the back pocket to find the wallet on the right and then slipped the persuader into my left hand and then slid it up the coat  sleeve catching it on the little pocket I’d sewn there once for just such an occasion. It won’t really hold the leather sap by itself, but it’ll keep you from needing to palm it all day if you’ve got it up your sleeve.

 

            “Have everything?” the one asked.

 

            “Seems I do,” I told him.

 

            “Get in the van,” he said pulling a pistol out. “All the way in the back.”

 

            “Okay,” I nodded at him.

 

            It was one of those van conversions that had two rows of chairs in the back and a pair of captain chairs to complete the back area with two normal seats up front. It wasn’t an institutional van, but a nice thing from a dealership. It even had a TV and DVD player in it. I climbed into the rear most seat and Alice sat down next to me. The one sat looking at us, his gun out but not particularly pointed at either of us. The other one sat in one of the captain chairs while a third drove.

 

            “Am I being taken to get whacked?” I asked. “Or is this beat me so I look worse than I currently do?”

 

            “Shut up,” Tte one said.

 

            “How about I talk to you Alice?” I asked, putting my arm around her and patting her firm thigh with my left hand. “Do you know what’s going on?”

 

            “Jack?” she asked.

 

            “You know what I think?” I leaned in to give her a kiss and put my hand all the way up her skirt.

 

            She was too petrified, or shocked, to do anything to stop me as I let the sap drop from my sleeve into her crotch. She could call me out at any moment or she could just let me do my plan, we’d see. I pulled my hand out of her skirt and started to unbutton her shirt, which is always a good way to distract people.

 

            “What are you doing?” she asked as I opened her shirt enough to see that she was indeed wearing a front clasp bra today.

 

            “I’m just showing you,” I said while unclasping the bra and just about letting people see what was going on. “I don’t have any hard feelings.”

 

            I dipped my head between her breasts, sliding my hand up her skirt again. She gave out a little whimpering moan, something between fear and joy. I could tell she had their attention when she arched her back because of something I’d done with the persuader.

 

            “Jack,” she tried.

 

            “Don’t worry about it baby,” I said to her. “I’ve told you before not to worry about it. I’m making a point though. I’m Jack Collier, and I don’t get scared because some punk points a gun at me. I am Mister Seven with One Blow, and I resent being fucked with.”

 

            The move was smooth, fast and harsh. My left hand came around faster than I think I’ve ever moved before, catching the one’s jaw with the persuader and surprising him so badly he just dropped his gun. My right hand caught the gun before it hit the seat and I aimed it at the other one while giving the one a good hard slap across the head with the sap.

 

            “You want to see who’s badder?” I asked the other one. “I’ll make you a fucking splash of goo if you fuck with me. Don’t let yourself think you’re fast, you ain’t fast enough.”

 

            You don’t have to kill them, just make them scared of you. That was what Tracey always told me. You don’t have to fight all the time, just look like you’re willing to fight and willing to take it to whatever level you need to win. Tracey would have been proud of me then I think, because they all were scared shitless of me just then.

 

            “Shit,” the other one said.

 

            He had pulled his jacket half open and his hand was frozen about three inches from his gun. I heard the one making a noise and gave him another hard whap without even looking. I climbed over the seat and reached with my left to take the gun from the holster. The driver was glancing in the mirror at me, so I decided he needed a sign. I gave the other one a good hard blast across his temple, sending him on a one way trip to the floor.

 

            “You might be thinking you could crash the car and throw me,” I said. “But I will shoot you in the leg and side before you managed to do too much. That will hurt like a motherfucker, and you’ll die slow. Trying to guess which of us is meaner is a fool’s game because it’s me. I’m the baddest motherfucker on two legs. Get me?”

 

            “I get you,” he said.

 

            “Good,” I said and turned to toss one of the guns to Alice before sitting down in the passenger seat and buckling my seat belt. “Let’s go to where ever it is you were supposed to be taking us.”

 

            “What?” Alice asked as she came toward us.

 

            “I want to know who wants us so badly,” I told her. “I want to know who is willing to kidnap a federal agent to get a shitty little private eye like me. So I’ll walk into the lion’s den and then I’ll cockslap the lion for fucking with me.”

 

            “You know they grabbed Jill again, right?” she asked as she repositioned her bra, letting me see that her left pinky and ring finger were both going to need medical attention before long.

 

            “No,” I said. “I didn’t know that. Though I would guess that where ever this nice young man is taking us is probably where they have her. Am I right?”

 

            “Yeah,” he nodded. “she’s there.”

 

            “See?” I asked Alice. “We’re going to have a nice little reunion and find out who fucked up what.”

 

            “They killed four of my agents,” she said.

 

            “Well, they’ve really fucked up this time then,” I said.

 

            “They’ve always claimed they were the victims of a government conspiracy anyway,” she said. “They’ll just say this is more evidence.”

 

            “They’re going to find me a little hard to laugh off,” I said. “Aren’t they mister driver man?”

 

            “I don’t even have an opinion,” he said.

 

            “You have to have an opinion.” I said pointing the gun at the side of his head. “If you hit a bump this could go off. If I ask if you believe God stopped bullets this could go off. If you’re name is Marvin, you’re going to have trouble since Marvins always seem to get shot in the face. Don’t you find that?”

 

            “My name is Kevin,” he said.

 

            “And my name is Jack,” I said. “You think they’re going to want to keep fucking with me after this?”

 

            “Well I don’t want to,” he said.

 

            “Damn right,” I said. “I’m not only a sex machine with all the chicks, but I really am one baaaaad motherfucker.”

 

            “Yes you are,” he agreed.

 

            “Yes I am Kevin,” I said pulling the gun away. “Now let’s get to where we’re going.”