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A Retail St. Crispin’s Day Speech.

What’s they that wishes more employees? No, my fair Manager; if we are mark’d to work, we are enow to do our store loss; and if to work, the fewer employees, the greater share of honour. God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one employee more. If it be a sin to covet paychecks, we are the most offending souls alive.

No, faith, my manager, wish not one associate from another store. God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour as one employee more methinks would share from me for the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more! Rather proclaim it, through my host, that they which hath no stomach to this Holiday, let them depart. Their passport shall be made, and cookies for the trip put into their pocket. We would not work in that person’s company that fears their fellowship to work with us.

This day is call’d Black Friday. He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d, and rouse them at the name of Thanksgiving. They that shall live this day, and see old age, will yearly on the vigil feast their neighbours, And say “To-morrow is Black Friday.”Then will they strip their sleeve and show their scars, and say “These wounds I had on Black Friday.”

Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, but they’ll remember, with advantages, what feats they did that day. This story shall the good man teach his son; and Black Friday shall ne’er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered! The front-register, the floor runner, the manager and assistant manager. Be in their flowing shopping bags freshly rememb’red.

We few, we happy few, we band of co-workers; for they to-day that sheds their blood with me shall be my co-worker; be they ne’er so vile, this day shall gentle their condition; and gentlemen in regular jobs now-a-bed shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that worked with us upon this Black Friday!

Why is 3 months of Christmas a Bad thing?

(oddly, I've made comment about Buddha Day before, but never actually reprinted the original thought experiment, so here it is)

Let me explain this for those of you who are Christian or live in primarily Christian areas as to why many non-Christians get fed up with Christmas and the forcing of Christmas upon us.

Let us imagine for a moment that you live in an alternate Universe where the Chinese used all those inventions that they came up with first and that Eastern Culture took over the world instead of Western Culture. Now let us imagine that there is a holiday at the end of December called Buddha Day. Now imagine that for two months solid, every store you went into, every ad circular, every commercial break on every TV and radio station had tons and tons of Buddha Day reminders. The Buddha Day music starts in mid November, the little red resin Buddha statues start being sold before Halloween, the big light up Buddhas start showing up before Thanksgiving. You start seeing Buddha Day things in August and the rumble becomes a huge blaring noise that just builds for four god damn months. By December you can't go out of your house without seeing all sorts of Buddha Day decorations and being told to "Be Peaceful, Buddha Day is coming" and even when they don't mention Buddha, you know that's what they mean. The thin man in the green robes who delivers cakes on Buddha Day Eve might be an old throw back and more commercial than religious, but you KNOW what day he's for. All the specials are for Buddha Day, all the commercials are for Buddha Day, all the "Holiday Editions" are always sold with traditional (if non-religious) Buddhist symbols on them.

And now here is the clincher, here is the part that gets you. No one knows a thing about Christmas or Christianity, in fact, they're kind of dismissive about it. You tell people you don't celebrate Buddha Day because you're Christian and they say things like "Oh, but you must do something for it, right? I mean, for the kids at least." Or they say things like "Oh, Christmas right, that's the one where Moses comes back from the dead after being drowned in the big flood right?" and then they change the subject about this great gift they got their brother for Buddha Day. Anytime you try to say "Merry Christmas"to someone they give you a dirty look like you're tying to corrupt their children with your evil Jesus thing, or they complain about these filthy minorities always having to have their own stupid minority holiday that's just a cheep rip off of Buddha day. No one outside your little community sells anything (and I mean ANYTHING) for Christmas, you can barely find a little statue of Jesus for the dashboard of the car outside of the "Jesustown" shops. You felt lucky in the mid 90s when multiculturalism was hip and a Nickelodeon show did one (1) special just for Christmas although you can't find it on DVD because Christmas isn't very popular.

Under this system, you might get a little sick of Buddha Day after a while, wouldn't you? I mean even people who celebrate complain about feeling worn down by it. It might even feel a little galling when you discover that half the Buddha Day celebrations are based on (you guessed it) Christmas celebrations that were in place before the Chinese took over Europe. For all their bitching about "The War On Buddha Day" its really been a war to squash the truth that Christians started this in the first place and are still out there. In fact you come to the conclusion that the whole "War on Buddha Day" is really an excuse to shove Buddha Day down your throat even more and to remind you that as a Christian you are a small minority in enemy territory. When anyone tries to be inclusive and says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Happy Buddha Day" small groups of religious loonies stir up a huge stink and act like Buddha Day is being erased from the calendar despite the fact that the one day holiday now covers fully a third of the year.

With all this in mind, don't you think you might get a little hyper-sensitive about Buddha Day?

Maybe those who celebrate Buddha Day should confine it to December, at the very least?

I mean, I like Buddha Day, but I also like Christmas, Hanukkah, Dogbert Day, Yule, Kwanzaa, and all the other early winter holidays as well.

Respect for others and an understanding that not everyone celebrates Buddha Day would be nice at this time of year when we're supposed to love our fellow humans.

Let's not let Buddha Day take over and destroy all the other holidays, okay?

Red

Brothers and Sisters - Chapter One: A Ruined Lunch

Brothers and Sisters

A Tale of The Weirdo

 

 

Chapter One

A Ruined Lunch

 

 

March 27^th, 2003

12:21 p.m.

 

            The world can be said to be a watched place. We are all observers of our fellow beings and are also the observed. Some of us are active observers, some passive. There are times when we must go from being one to being the other. Most often we begin as a passive observer and then involve ourselves, becoming active.

 

            A small child dressed in a pink raincoat watched the world, and two men in particular. She had been doing a lot of watching lately passively observing. She was very careful about not being seen, taking great care not to be noticed by anyone. She had been spying for some time, on a certain group of people for reasons of her own. What reasons a small child of about four could have to observe this group can be anyone’s guess. She wasn’t the only one watching of course, there were people watching the people who were watching other people.

 

No one was watching her though, despite the attractive blonde hair and adorable blue eyes. She was the sort of child who caught people’s eyes, and held their attention. She was a serious looking child, but a beautiful one as well. She was on a mission of observation one might say, at least for the moment. It was as if she were watching so as to better be caught up with a story, a story she would soon be engaged in. To be truthful that is exactly why she was watching. It is up to you’re humble narrator to interpret from her accounts as well as the accounts of others to put together this tale.

 

            It was a decidedly gloomy day, by most people’s standards anyway. If the last few years had taught people any thing, it was that people had differing opinions on things. There were people who felt differently on things as simple as weather, and complex as the role of a scared people to kill thousands of peasants in another country. If you were the sort of person who found an over cast day gloomy then this would be a gloomy day to you. The thick, heavy clouds looked like long coils of cotton, laid out by some forgotten god for a long forgotten purpose. There was a threat of rain in the air, which would be made good by nightfall. The temperature was no longer hovering below the freezing point of water, but there was still a chill in the air. Spring had begun, but had not quite gotten into the full swing of things yet. Snow still lay in patches on the ground where it had been piled up by plows in early February, now formed into compact mounds of ice.

 

            People were moving about, despite the cold nip in the air. It was lunchtime after all and there was lunch to be had. The fact that this was Saturday didn’t diminish the fact that even in this business district people had to eat. After all, despite reassurances of turning the corner, the economy did not currently favor the worker. The worker, who could be compelled to work on a Saturday, would have to comply. So they walked to get their lunches from the only places that were open any more. Faces slightly ruddy, their breath only just visible in the air.

 

Some of the people thought it a gloomy day, but perhaps surprisingly there were just as many people who liked this sort of day. This is an oft-rejected fact because the sort of person who prefers sunshine tends to express their views loudly while those who like rainy days and cloudy afternoons are less explosively expressive. The sort of person who likes the cold is naturally less bombastic and there fore less annoying and less disposed to express opinions in the loud obnoxious way. These people will just quietly shake their heads and mark the sun lovers down as the fools they were. As we said before, people may disagree about a great many things. What could be agreed upon though, was that a nice bowl of hot soup would go down an absolute treat.

 

            There were two men sitting at a table, at an out door café. The café still deemed the weather a little too unfashionable to have wait staff brave the fifty-two degree weather, but these men didn’t mind. They took their soup and went out side to take table in the open air. It was colder out there but there was also the freedom to watch a greater part of the world go by. One had a ceramic bowl of chicken noodle soup, which was steaming from the heat. The other man because of certain characteristic, had chili served in a large sour dough roll that had been hollowed out. The chili did not actually steam because the crown of the sour dough roll had been placed like a lid over it. A few wisps of steam escaped once they were outside and even a little heat showed.

Pile of Wood

Stove

Thor 2 is like a meatmarket for women's fantasies.

So we went to see Thor 2, and I liked it... BUUUUUT

I feel like I was watching some kind of parade that wasn't meant for me. Like a guy walked out and said "Hey ladies! What do you like? Cause we got 'em. You like 'em big, blonde, blue eyed and beefy? Chris, come on out! You like 'em dark, tousled, emo and just a bit evil but with a heavy dose of you can make it all better with your love? Tom, get yer cute ass out here! Maybe you like 'em a bit older? More mature? Kind of a Swedish James Bond, the later years? Still has a sense of humor and will run around naked for a joke? Stellan? If you would? Or maybe you like 'em just a bit down to earth and kind of geeky. New boy here, named Jonathan Howard.

"Now I know what you're thinking. You're saying 'But I'm bi or a lesbian.' well rest assured I didn't forget you. You like them smart, sylphlike, and over serious? Natalie is here for you. What about more of a tough chick? Jaimie, smile at the crowd? More of a momma's girl? Rene is still lookin' good, isn't she? And if you wanna have a geeky, down to earth three way with Jonathan, we brought Kat back too. They look good together, don't they?

So what'da like ladies? We've got it all and we brought it here for you. Oh, and for the boys.... have some evil space elves or some shit."

I have never felt more superfluous to a movie's audience than I did today. But, I'm guessing that's how a lot of non-white, non-cis, non-straight, non-males feel all the time. And my crowd was well represented on screen. I just felt like we were there for different reasons than normal.

ETA: Syd wants me to mention that Natalie Portman got to wear a pretty-pretty princess dress and that Idris Elba is a pretty man when you get his helmet off.

BIKE STUFF

11 things

The problem with writing a list like this, is that there are at least four of you here who have read everything interesting that I might put in this slot. beynd that, I could say that for the Mysterium Cosmographicum alone, Johannes Kepler will alays be a beautiful mad bastard in my book. So do I write about things that maybe some of you know, or do I endevore to come up with all new things that I've never told a one of you? Tricky.

I'll try to balance.


1. I used to write a semi-regular set of lists called Five Things and it was alway the Something-Something Edition. As a result, many things about me are known. I try to adhere to the differnce between Personal and Private. You can ask me anything, and I'll tell you about anything. Sex, drugs, rock n' roll, research, books of the seventeenth century I've read. I will answer all those questions. HOWEVER! If you want dates, if you want places, if you want names, those are more or less off the table. Those are the limits. If I didn't hold these rules, I probably couldn't talk so frankly about Sex and Polyamory. The people who know I'm talking about them also know enough not to yell "HEY!" when their little so called secrets are semi-exposed.

So with all that being said, I've got ten more of these to fill out. (ou have no idea how tempting it was to make each point in that paragraph an item of it's own)

2. I was born in the Second General US Army Hosptial in Landstuhl, which is located in the former West Germany. This has lead to a lifetime of me telling people behind counters that A) Army Bases are US soil and that B) Even if it weren't, I'm born to two US citizens. When the questions have gotten too annoying I have had to lean on the idea. "Sorry, since we were stationed in West Germany while dad was a Captain in The US Army, single handedly defending everyone from the Commie Hoards on the other side of the wall(!) I'm not exactly aware what the adress they were claiming here in the US was at the time of my birth. Sorry aboput that, next time we'll just let Ivan have Texas, shall we?" ProTip: If you can keep a straight face and say things like that in a flat, emotionless voice, people do not know what to do with you. As a result, 9 times out of 10, they'll just stamp your card and let you go. On the tenth time, you have to get rough and then that judge starts going on about crimes against humanity again.

3. I once rolled a Suzuki Samurai in a soybean field. I was trying to avoid the dog. The Dog was fine. I also once grazed a deer, who hit her shoulder on my side mirror. She lived, and I got a facefull of glass. I also once yelled at a deer that he was blocking my way down the road and only noticed that there was a female near by after he fucked off. It was about that time that I did a quick calculation and realized that it was mating season. I don't recomend my actions to everyone, only those who are totally unaffraid to the point of foolhardiness. I also once pet a wild skunk, but that was a fluke. I have, however, never petted a whale's fluke.

4. I can cook most things, if asked. I've been cooking since I was about 4 or 5 and have honed my craft ever since. This isn't going to be a long point.

5. I started learning Judo at about 9. I learned sword fighting about the same time. I can fight with knives, swords, staves, eskrima sticks, rapiers, katanas, bare hands, and on one memorable event, a resus monkey on a stick.

6. I have never actually slept wth a straight girl. Every woman I have ever had sex with was either identifying as bisexual, or at the very least bicurious at the time of our copulation. I have no explanation for this fact, it's just an oddity of life. I personally have tried to trick every woman I've ever met to get into bed with me*, but so far only bisexuals have ever taken me up on the offer. (*This may not, in fact, be absolutely true) I like femme girls, I like androgonuys girls, and I like butch girls. Tall girls and short girls. I like kinky girls and vanilla girls. All girls have an equal chance of capturing my interest, but only girls who share a sexual proclivity return interest in me.

7. My first sexual experience was with two women, and has been documented in previous installments. I can't find it right now, but the story is avaliable for those who are interested and have been properly vetted. This was the lead-in to early experiences with polyamory.

8. I was in a poly-relationship with two women for about 10 years. It ended about four years ago. It's uncertian how I feel about entering into a new relationship, but as I often say "I'm interested in anyone who's interesting"

9. I started the Jack Collier Stories as a Nanowrimo project. He's now up to 7 stories and I have two more in mind. He's meant to be a less epic, less competent spiritual brother to The Weirdo.

10. My tastes were formed in the 80s, and as a result I like girls in tight jeans and leather jackets. Also, they need to be capable. Simply put, Ace is the best companion. She's everything I like in a woman.

11. On the other point, I cannot stand women who try the whole "Oh tee-hee, I don't know how to do complicated stuff. If only a big, strong, sexy man could help me here." thing. I can't think of anything that will turn me off faster than pretending to be stupid (or actually being stupid) and trying to use that to entice me. That will never entice me.

Twins in Death: Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

 

Epilogue

 

November 3^rd, 2002

3:21 p.m.

 

            The room was so dark that very little detail could be made out, beyond the cones of hard light. They stood in a circle, like a council of war. They wore robes of purple material with red trimmings. The hoods of each robe were drawn up, concealing every aspect of the wearer. They had to meet in this way, to maintain the secrecy under which they had operated so long.

 

            “Is he the one?” One of them asked.

 

            “He defeated Loki.” Another, a large one in a felt robe, said. “And he came back from the dead.”

 

            “That was part of it.” A thin small figure in a silk robe said. “So far all signs point to him being the knight.”

           

            “So he may very well be it?” The figure who seemed to be the leader said.

 

            “I think so.”

 

            “He’s been in hiding so long though.” Another said. “The knight is supposed to be in constant vigilance.”

 

            “He was given a terrible blow.” The leader said. “He may very well remain hidden until we draw him out.”

 

            “But the prophecy.” The arguer said.

 

            “Prophets don’t know everything.” The Leader said, “We will watch and if he is the one, we will draw him out. It will take months perhaps to decide.”

 

            “If he is the one, are we ready?”

 

            “We are.” The leader said. “I’ve prepared for everything.”

 

 

 

Final note:

 

            So we see that perhaps The Weirdo died and returned from the Grave, although all official documents and biographies claim he lapsed into a coma, which he rose from. There has been some conjecture as to where Loki and Virgil actually came from as well, since some reports have said they were implanted in women’s wombs and some say they were grown in vats. It must be said that as far as official records go, it is very hard to find confirmation or even denial of the claims in this book. We can only hope that further tomes will shed light onto the tale.

 

 

© 2013 Autumn Knight Productions

Off Set

I have a book to suggest...

I have been told that a book called Erotic Vampire Bank Heist exists.

HOLY SHIT! What more do you need?

From the Publisher...
"When a sensuous safecracker and the King of the Vampires begin a torrid love affair in 1974, nothing can stand in their way: not the nationwide crime syndicate, not the Vampire Mafia... not even the rampaging forces of nature itself!
With a ragtag team of stuntmen, conmen, lesbians, and bisexual swingers, Count Dracula and Emily Malone are going to take what they need from the vaults of Bullitsville, Kentucky... and they're not going to stop until their sexy desires are met! But between the gunfights and threesomes, the shootouts and the incest, the secret needs of a centuries-old conspiracy is growing...and when its shocking betrayal is enacted, neither the living nor the Undead can survive its onslaught!
Airport Books is proud to bring you E.J. Ehlers' Erotic Vampire Bank Heist in all its uncut glory. It's like Dracula by Sam Peckinpah and Anais Nin! Varney The Vampire by Jim Thompson and Erica Jong! And it's like nothing you've ever read before!
Erotic Vampire Bank Heist: Because the only thing a vampire hates more than a cross...is a double cross."


This sort of horseshit MUST be encouraged!

V on the Bookshelf

Vult

Flower

Field

Twins in Death: Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

A Force of Nature

 

At Home

 

            The Grandfather looked at the poor sick boy and asked if he needed anything besides the orange juice. The boy said he didn’t, he wanted to know what came next. This story had been so long, and he wanted to know how it ended now that he was so near the end. Grandpa had held the moment out too. Giving him all that talk about alternate realities and hanging forever on the possibility that this was the reality where The Weirdo got his head cut off.

           

            There were tissues near the bedside, and the boy’s cough drops were in good supply. The grandfather looked at the closed door, knowing no one was going to interrupt. He looked at the book with trepidation, his eyes moving across the page and then up at the child’s open and wondering face.

 

            It didn’t look good, when we last left our hero the katana was one and ¼ inch from his neck, moving faster than the speed of sound. The Weirdo, and we must be realistic here, was already dead. There wasn’t much that could be done at this point to save him. Now that’s a sad idea, but it’s a fact that people like The Weirdo don’t get to live to the ending. Those who live by the sword and all that.

 

            “So what happened?” The boy asked.

           

            “You sure you’re feeling well enough for this?” The old man asked, looking a little disturbed as he looked at the book. “I mean things don’t always turn out the way you expect them to. Sometimes, even the hero dies.”

           

            “I gotta know.” The boy said. “Even if he dies, I’ve gotta know.”

 

            “But if he dies here, that’s it. If he’s killed here, you know that the world is over.”

 

            “If we don’t go on, I’ll never know. I’ve gotta know.”

 

            “Okay.” The old man said putting his glasses back on.  “Let’s see where were we? Ah yes.”

 

 

            The blade whistled through the air, ready to take the head form The Weirdo and…

 

            “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

 

            “Will you tell me?” The boy screamed. “What the blistering fuck happens next?

 

            The blade whistled through the air, ready to take the head form The Weirdo and…

 

 

            …

 

 

           

Little Bird

Do you know why I love this photo? Because it's a wide shot. I think anyone else would have cropped it to make it a close up, it looks like it should be one. Instead, I left it with all the world around it. It makes the bird look smaller in my view, and as such make the pose more defiant. "I might just a little bird, but I will take on the world!" You go little bird, you get down with your bad self.

Pond

Library

WOO!