B List

I’m trying to come up with the ultimate rules for an independent drive-in style B Movie (watch MST3K if you don’t know what that is) and so far I’ve got the following bullet points…

1. A relative of the director/producer has a roll, probably a big one. If the director is the star, his girlfriend should play the hottie.

2. A musical performance is shoe-horned into the production somewhere. Ideally the entire song should be played from beginning to end. For maximum impact it should have nothing to do with the movie in any way shape or form.

3. People entirely unsuited to a police investigation should be asked to “have a look at the murder victim” in order to give an opinion.

4. Stilted… slow… conversations. For best results, show no emotion when speaking lines that normally would require histrionics of one form or another.

5. Women are girls and girls are dumb. A girl must always need rescuing, need guidance for things like walking across a room, and have someone to speak for them. These things should be done by a man, but a child can do it if no real man is available.

6. Minorities should either remain out of sight at all costs, or be victims and/or comic relief. If a minority is being used as comic relief, their race/creed/nationality may be used as their single defining factor.

7. Science just works and we don’t need no fancy explaining by no fancy book learnin’ college boy.

8. When in doubt, tell a story or explain a legend. Never show the events as that might distract the viewer, always explain them in long single shot monologue scenes.

9. When you need a big monster, rent a gorilla suit and use something else for the head. When you need a small monster, just put a carpet on a dog. When you need a huge monster, use forced perspective on any animal that will sit still long enough for you to focus the camera.

10. Lighting is for chumps. Lots of people leave lights on all day, just use that.

Any other suggestions?

EDIT: It occurred to me more or less after hitting post that #7 needs a little work. I need something along these lines OR! The only way to understand the events is through a long unnecessary and completely erroneous scientific explanation.