Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Honda doesn't like to sell cars, Nissan does.
I needed a car. That's the start of this story, I needed a car. We are on THE LAST payment for Syd's Mini. In two weeks, if sitcoms have taught me anything, that bitch will spontaneously explode in flames the second the last check is cashed. This frees up a little bit of money for me to get a car. A car! A CAR! Later, when I have more time and energy, we shall discuss the frustration that is living in Michigan sans auto.
Short Version: If you live in Michigan and you have no car, you aren't even a second class citizen. You barely exist. There are few options for the carless in MI.
But the Mini is going to be paid off (and then hit by a meteor) and we can use the amount of money for Syd's car payment to get me a car and some insurance. Not a huge sum of money, but enough to keep up the payments. So we thought we'd look around a bit.
Short Version: Honda didn't want to sell a car.
We walked in, and no one even looked at us for ten seconds. It was twelve before anyone actually spoke to us. When you are in sales, you learn that the first seven seconds are crucial. People like to be acknowledged. If you ignore them for more than seven seconds, you've failed as a salesman and you will not get a commission. I'm guessing the 5 guys on that floor are salary, because they eventually admitted we were there after half a minute and dained to speak to us.
We told the guy who eventually sauntered over our requirements, and as soon as it was clear we wouldn't be getting a CRV with all the toys and extras, the guy shut down. I guess we're supposed to be glad he didn't spit on us, or slap us or something. His attitude clearly stated that we were supposed to kiss his feet for not beating us to death with a chair leg. I very much got the feeling of "Oh, how common! I can't believe we even LET people drive on the roads if their cars cost less than fifty thousand."
Still... CAR!
There was a model that might be in our price range. So we asked him to get a car for us to test drive. We wait ... Time Passes
A full ten minutes goes by and several times I contemplate just leaving. They clearly didn't want to sell a car today. However, a car comes around and we get in and I can't move the damn gear shift. You don't squeeze the button on a Honda, you have to come from underneath and raise the button in a way I was utterly unfamiliar with. You would have thought it was grab and squeeze, I'm sure you would, but I couldn't figure it out. I turned off the car, wondering if there was something wrong and re-started it.
Or at least I tried.
The car would not start. I went inside, about to just toss the key back to the guy and tell him that we were done, but I found another salesman and asked him if he could help. He looked sort of superior and smug over the fact that I couldn't get the car to start, and then he couldn't get the car to start. He looked up at me and I gave him by best and most loving smile. You know the one, the one where I look over my glasses and give the impression that I don't need a knife, that I can tear your throat out with my teeth. He failed to start the car, got a look at my friendly smile, and then looked sheepish before he announced the battery was dead.
NOW!
Allow me to remind you, this was the demonstration model. This was the test drive! This is the place that can make or break a sale. Syd has said that in retrospect we should have listened to our instincts and run when they went to get the jump-machine. They jumped the battery, and we drove down the road a mile. I wasn't thrilled with the car, I didn't like it much, but I figured I was pissed and I wasn't being fair to the car. The attitude of the salesmen had gotten to me, and I wasn't giving this thing a chance and I should see how it drove and what the handling was like and just try to give it an opportunity to wow me.
Then it stalled. It stalled and, of course, it wouldn't start again.
A mile from the dealership, while snow was falling, and there are no sidewalks because this is Michigan... the car stalled and had to be left in the street. Half a mile up the road was the Nissan Dealer. I sent Syd there and walked the rest of the way to the Honda guys, told them where their car was, and left in the Mini. I did not swear, I did not bitch. I did not rain hellfire or explode with rage. I explained where the car was, gave them the key, and calmly left. I should mention, at no point did anyone attempt to apologize for this experience, or even acknowledge that this was kind of a sucky situation to find myself in.
It was just as well, Honda did not want to sell a car today anyway. I can tell, because they did everything wrong. You could write this up as a text book example. The only explanation is that they didn't want to sell a car.
Nissan however, DID!
The kid at Nissan appreciated the fact that we told him up front exactly what our budget was. He worked hard to find a car that would fit the budget, and we picked out rather a nice one. As a joke, while on the test drive (which the salesman came with us) I showed him the exact spot where we died in the Honda and told him it was make or break time for his company while I stopped for a moment and then drove over the spot and continued. He seemed pleased that the car did what it was supposed to do and that the spot was not actually cursed or anything. Actually, I think we should always shop in the winter, driving around the various parking lots of the Troy Motor Mall gave me several different versions of ice and snow test how the car would react.
Then he went the extra fourteen yards and worked the system to find some extra deals for us (Seems Syd's company is on a list that gives her a discount) and the upshot of this story is I'm going to lease a Nissan Sentra for the next three years. Yes, the Versa was a shade cheaper, but I think I'll be happier that I was talked into the Sentra in the long run. I've driven Sentras before, when they were more compact, but I have had good luck with Nissan as a company. So on Monday, we sign the papers, hand over The White Elephant and I get a bitchin' new ride.
Because Nissan wanted to sell a car today.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Please remember, on this festive day
People who don't want to work on Christmas.
People who have suffered a great deal of stress this holiday.
People who carry box cutters and knives as part of their job.
People who have had enough of your shit for one year.
The Great VEWPRF Death March – The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident
The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident
Quickly for those who haven't seen it, this show is about the first female vicar who is assigned to a small country community full of interesting characters. This show is much more a regular sitcom than say Chef is. This is the first Christmas episode to come from this program, I think there are three now. This show has an interesting history. See, after the first 6 episodes, a couple of years passed then there were then a couple of holiday specials another special and then after that a truncated second series of three episodes. A couple of years later they made a third series and then even later they threw in a few more special episodes. I guess the stars and writer just kept wanting to come back for one more go. The show started in 1994 and in 2007 the latest episode aired. So in 13 years they've managed 20 episodes and four little skits for Comic Relief.
I'm warning you, touch any one of my chocolates and I'll cut ya!
This particular one is the first Christmas Special they made. Now it takes a little while for the plot to get going, which involves Gerry invited to three separate Christmas lunches. Her plans had actually involved sitting around watching Jurassic Park, opening one of her 30 advent calendars and listening to the Queen's speech. As is often the case in one of these shows, that one wish is the one that will in no way be fulfilled. First two of the older gentlemen ask her for lunch, then a prominent citizen, and then poor Alice asks her.
While young Hugo distracted her, the elders discussed setting the vicar on fire for the sacrifice.
Now, if you've never watched the show, Alice is a bit of a sad case. She's far too shy and geeky to have any real hope of ever being anything like normal. For the most part Gerry keeps her around out of pity. Alice has no real friends beyond Gerry so even though she's promised to two other lunches poor Gerry just can't turn down sad pathetic, child like Alice. Such a sweet creature is our Geraldine.
I think people should go around with vest like this with my picture on it every August the 15th.
Overeating is clearly an issue during the holidays, and even more so if you have a plus sized actor. I actually like how they did this episode because it's not really played like a fat joke. It's more that because the main character is large everyone expects her to just wolf down as much food as she can, so each meal is frigging enormous. The first meal consists of turkey and 16 varieties of vegetable. They then each consume a whole Christmas pudding each.
You know, most people would have stopped at 12... but it's CHRISTMAS!
The second meal piles on the over eating gag by having a multi course, involving pasta, fish and then turkey. The meal is then followed by a competition to see who can eat the most sprouts. See the father and son have a yearly bet to see if the guest or the father can eat more and the son is despondent about loosing each and every year. Gerry, a kind heart, stuffs herself to dangerous capacity to help the nice lad win. In many ways this whole episode is an example of selflessness since everything Gerry does is to prevent someone from feeling bad. After the two huge meals she then comes finally to her pal's house. Alice's house is the shortest visit of the group. We just see Alice and her family, who are just an insane gang of nutcases.
The fight is ON! Two enter, only one leaves.
At this point, poor Gerry is so stuffed to the gills that she takes a car to get from Alice's house to her own house, even though they only live across the street from each other. She collapses in through her front door and lays on the floor when Owen, yet another of her friends, comes to ask her for lunch as well. His offer comes with a lot of passive aggressive talk about being so alone and miserable. How kind Gerry is, even when she's presented with tripe as the main course. Then there is a minor tragedy when someone Gerry has a huge crush on ask if she's marry him and then find out he means would she perform the ceremony to marry him to a lovely young woman. This is a massive disappointment and our hero is finally left alone.
The happy, severely deranged, family.
Perhaps the most poignant moment in this entire program comes right after that disappointment, when our vicar is feeling a bit lonely. Poor Gerry is in fact left all alone sitting in her flannel pajamas and listening to Fairytale of New York, which is possibly the single most depressing song about Christmas ever written. Clearly, now being alone with her thoughts, she is faced with the depression that can come with a holiday. When the door bell rings she merely heaves a heavy sigh and rolls off the couch to answer the it.
Yet another meal. Good, because... good.
At the door is our friend Alice, who completely redeems her silly scatter brained character by telling Gerry how she has improved everything in the village in her opinion. Then the rest of the cast shows up to tell her how much they love her. Unfortunately they bring food, and one bite sends the poor vicar towards the bathroom. Then after the credits you get the same gag you always get where Gerry tells Alice a joke and Alice doesn't get it because she's so innocent/stupid.
Alice desperately tried to explain how the aliens had sucked the brain out of her head to no avail.
All in all, this is a typical BBC Christmas special and all that being one entails. That means that for the most part it's harmless fun but can sometimes get a little overlong and occasionally pulls cheap tricks to pull at your heart strings. It also means that it was defiantly a special and not part of the regular series. I have come to learn over the years that TV studios HATE any holiday episode that isn't a one shot special. You never really know when a show will actually be broadcast unless it's one of the big American networks, so it causes problems if they have to specially position something. This is really a problem with anything syndicated or like the BBC where shows only last 6 weeks at a time. This is why one shot specials are so much better. They're not sold as part of the regular season and can be held back and used to replace normal shows as part of special programming.
5 Degrees on the Graffiti Bridge Scale.
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Great VEWPRF Death March – Rugrats: The Santa Experience
Rugrats: The Santa Experience (1992 Dir. Charles Swenson)
The dead eyes of a minimum wage worker in a job that should have been replaced by a machine years ago.
I’ve managed not to hate Rugrats over the years, despite being too old for them and the fact that I feel like I should hate them. Their antics are basically the same from episode to episode and much of their humor is mindless and harmless. The kids misunderstand what’s going on with HI-larious results. Meanwhile the adult characters have misadventures of their own with joke that only the parents of the kids who are watching will get. It was the beginning of that whole “winking at the adults over the heads of the children” thing that, while it existed before, really got footing in the 90s and is included in every so-called family movie these days. However, this was one of the first places I remember seeing it and I can’t blame them if everyone started ripping this aspect off. As far as I know they innovated the process so I guess that’s why I doesn’t bother me here.
The Great VEWPRF Death March – ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
This is going to be mean, nasty, not nice, honest and truthful. So pretty much it’s just another post like normal. Let's get going with a review of... ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 Dir. Jules Bass & Arthur Rankin Jr.)
Evidently there is only one Trundle in Junctionville, they don't even have numbers or street names.
This has got to be the ultimate “Santa is just a cockbite” tale out of all the stories that ever emerged from the maw of Rankin & Bass. Santa cancels Christmas for a whole town because of one editorial letter in a local rag. Not because of snow, or fog, or even because he hates the color red, but because of 27 words in a stupid newspaper letters column. Yeah, one stupid letter. We're also going to get a very strong attack on intellectuals and anyone who doesn't blindly follow the groupthink. One geeky looking, obviously educated kid is going to be blamed by a town of nitwits for destroying Christmas. Seriously, it’s like every Fox News December broadcast rolled into one neat package. I think this must be where Bill O’Reilly got the idea for the whole thing. The problem is, as if often the problem when really stupid people try to attack smart people, they just make complete asses of themselves. It's amazingly stupid, badly thought out and full of logical inconsistencies. But let me begin at the beginning…
Yeah, so, what are you wearing?
We start on Christmas Eve, a humble Arian clock maker named Trundle is sitting up thinking about the problems he's having. I think part of what's worrying him is how creepy his kids look. They don’t look wholesome, they look like the sort of thing that could inspire a J-Horror flick. The mouse that lives in his house is also sitting up worrying. It seems that they don't know if Santa Claus is coming, because of the already stated dickness of the fat cookie-eating child-molesting freak. The story actually seems to begin in October or possibly early November. The people of this town don't fuck around when it comes to writing letters to Santa. The big day is 2 months off and their letters are not only sent, they're being returned! Returned, you say? Oh yes!
And then a great comet will come and crash down upon us!
Everyone writes letters to Santa. Adults, kids, mice, I must assume that the mold growing on what's left of thanksgiving dinner is also writing letters which are being returned to the fridge. So, Santa is a real person. Everyone got that? Not only real, but he receives and returns letters. His number, as we’ll see in a moment, is in the phonebook. You have to remember this because it makes some of the later statements made extraordinarily stupid. Exactly the kind of dumb idea an idiot would come up with to say how those so-called smart people really aren't that bright. You have to be really stupid to think this is clever. I mean like "You have to make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue because he's so dumb he doesn't know that's not possible and does it once in a while." kind of stupid.
Here it is... SW Bi-curious female seeks couple for experimentation!
Father mouse decides he's not going to just take this laying down so he calls the North Pole and asks what's up with Santa. Allow me to scream for a moment. YOU CAN CALL SANTA ON THE PHONE! The reason I’m hammering away at this will become clear in about two paragraphs. The mouse on the phone answers that Santa didn't like that letter in the Junctionville register. Evidently, one letter can turn Santa against you, so watch you’re fuckin’ ass, kids! So… Santa is a real person who receives and returns letters, and has people to screen his calls. As another author once (sort of) said, this must be distinctly understood, or nothing insulting to your intelligence can come from the story I am about to relate.
The action switches to the town hall, where the pillars of government are also shown to be idiots. Lazy, stupid, saying things like "citizens aren't allowed in here, this is public property" and using long streams of big words until they get confused with what it was they were saying. Also, they’re clearly supposed to be Democrats because none of them have a wide stance or interest in young boys. So anyway, Josh Trundle, the clock maker has an idea to make Santa not be mad at them. It seems Santa's whims might be turned by a new clock tower that plays a recording of a song begging Santa not to abandon them. Texting him “I <3 U” or e-mailing him an mp3 won’t do it, got to be a huge clock. Evidently there will be no gifts for anyone if Santa doesn’t show on the scene. I never thought I’d say this, but if ever there was a town in need of a fuckin’ Wal-Mart, it’s this one!
For one brief moment, Trundle shows his true face!
While that bullshit is going on… the mice find the letter in the newspaper and it's a bunch of big words stating that Santa is fraudulent myth and that the reindeer are fake too. Only… you know…. THEY CLEARLY AREN’T! They answer the fucking phone and send your letters back! With horror the mice realize that it's Albert who did it. Albert wears glasses, uses big words, reads books, and is clearly evil! Damn educated liberal bastards! The father starts to admonish Albert, saying he only thinks with his head and there fore has trouble believing in things he can't see. But you can see Santa in this! He exists! You can call him on the phone and have your letter from him returned. A really horrible song, encouraging us to try and think with our hearts. He also suddenly turns into a fuckin' leprechaun for some reason that has never really been clear to me. We're being actively encouraged to believing in things that don't exist. Except they do exist in this cartoon's world! The argument about faith is meaningless because in this world it would be as stupid as saying China doesn't exist! I might as well claim Gordon Ramsey doesn’t exist. Actually since Ramsay’s people won’t even send me a return letter and have a court order saying I’m not allowed to call anymore it’s less sensible. Santa will at least take your calls and doesn’t get a the courts involved. Albert isn’t an atheist, he’s a lunatic. He’s claiming people who clearly exist don’t and they’re only answer is to tell him to accept Jesus or pay the consequences.
I'm just going to bury this thing and pretend none of this ever happened.
Anyway, they go right on attacking the damn educated liberal and smacking him with a stick until he falls into the groupthink. They even come right out and say "Here is how you ruined everyone's Christmas with your opinions." Hey, fuck you papa mouse and fuck your Gestapo! If your stupid holiday couldn't stand up to questioning then I say it's time Santa's regime of terror was challenged! Poor Albert is being blamed for everything, even though it's clearly Santa who's being the passive aggressive cunt here. A little kid drew a picture of Santa when he thought Santa cared about him, when it was proved that Santa couldn't give two shits about him he threw his picture into the sea. Is Santa the douche blamed? NOPE! Way to team kill there papa mouse, you want a flame thrower so you can take everyone out? Albert is blamed because they're too afraid to say boo to Santa. I'll say it. SANTA! You listening? You're a cockbite!
We're not just creepy, we're just recreating Nazi propaganda posters!
So Father mouse shows Albert the clock that Josh is making and when Albert starts asking how the clock works the father can't even understand the words. He's been around a clock maker his whole life, he even works with him, but father doesn't know how a clock works? Can’t even keep up with some very basic clock making terms. And yet Albert is the dumb one, right? Yeah, because knowing how things work just makes you dumb. I say again, in this world Santa clearly exists, so the argument that you need faith is stupid. You might as well have someone in this story not believe in toast and then demand that they have faith in the toast. If these people weren't so stupid they might have been able to make their point without leaving these huge idiotic gaps in the story, but they started with a dumb shit idea and just went with it. Stupid, fucking, idiots.
That's right, your clock is broxorz! Where's your Santa now?
So anyway, the big day comes and they’ve built the clock in about an hour and a half. I dunno, after paying attention to politics as I have for the last ten years, the fact that the governing body could commission a clock and have it built as quickly as they did shows some can do spirit. Junctionville’s Mayor for President! You know, in 2016 when Obama’s all done with it. Do they get a thimble full of credit though? No, they’re just political hacks, so screw them in this special’s eyes. Josh tries to start the clock, but it goes haywire. Trundle is disgraced and for a brief and shining moment the blame for all the world's ills are shifted from Albert to Josh. Why he doesn't just light a match and walk away as the town explodes behind him (and he doesn't even look) can only be explained by the fact that he has a stupid mind... Stupid, Stupid! A song is then sung about miracles happening, but only if you hope and pray really hard. Josh sings with his freakish children, and the mailman who brings past due notices at like 10 at night… on Christmas fucking Eve! Even the mailman is out to screw with them. DAMN! You know what? These people look freaky. Rankin & Bass pioneered the idea of getting the Japanese to animate for them, and as a result you can really see the Anime influences in the badly drawn people. Yeah, I know, but they are REALLY freaking me out.
If everyone else in this town weren't so stupid I might be able to ask some of them for help.
The story is quickly turned towards Albert again. We are once again shown that all the wrongs in the world are truly the fault of smart people with glasses. He sings the last couple of words of Trundles annoying song and breaks down crying. It seems Albert wanted to look at the clock and accidentally broke it. Father Mouse thinks about killing him for a moment, and spouts about how talking mice are proof that evolution is just a hoax and that we need to believe in a great creator who loves us but toys with us out of boredom or some shit. I don’t know, I started a drinking game half way through this and I had to break for a week because of the alcohol poisoning so things are a little fuzzy. Albert says that he doesn't know if he believes, and then claims that Copernicus knew how to fix clocks, but grabs a book on Astronomy. Clearly, now that he's been brought into the fold he's become as willfully stupid as the rest of them. Now, I know Copernicus was an Astronomer, but I can’t help but feel one of his astronomy books are probably more about… you know… astronomy. You know, instead of how to fix clocks. I’m just throwing it out there.
Children get excited for the great taste of smack.
Father Mouse then goes and talks to Josh and tells him the whole story. When they discuss how sorry he is, they even use words like "He has repented" to express his sorrow. Not, he's sorry, or is trying to make amends, but repented. Like all you damn lefty liberal hippy liberal lefty commie liberal educated liberal egghead lefty's will have to repent when the day of JUDGEMENT IS UPON YOU! Believe in the power of cheese no, JEBUS! no, SANTA! Things don’t have to be “consistent” or “logical” or even “not fucktarded” because the all powerful Santa will come and he will smite you down with his fiery breath! Praise Santa!
Ia ia Santa f'thagn!!!!!!!!!
Mice? He's being drawn by mice?
Now here is the thing, Albert fixes the clock! He manages to save the day, he fixes the clock, because he was smarter than the rest of this dumb fuck town put together. I’m sure having all his fingers because he never held an M-80 just to see what would happen probably helps, making him a rarity in this town. What credit is he given? NONE! Not the mouse, he did nothing. It's a mirable! PWAISE JEBUS! It's not a guy trying to fix things because he has to repent for having an opinion that went against the rest of this tiny minded community. Anyway the song plays and the entire community starts to jump up and down excitedly, because the clock works. These people are a little too invested in Santa if you ask me. This town needs an intervention, because they are seriously pushing the co-dependent angle if you ask me. Santa hears the music and since this jackass's moods turn on a dime, he comes to the town.
Look at that exhaust tail. Santa is a major polluter.
It's now that the rest of the poem is spoken by Trundle. When we see the sleigh, it becomes clear to me that the first artist thought Santa's sleigh was lead by mice. Not joking here, someone clearly added antlers at the last moment. No one, on the entire staff ever once bothered to look at the model sheets until the cartoon was already in production and then suddenly realized that the Korean company that their Japanese counterpart hired hadn’t actually been briefed on the whole Santa myth. I mean… how do you even begin to not hate these people? This is what we're dealing with. MICE! Just... fucking MICE!
Seriously, he's dropping like... nuke dust on the entire town! That can't be healthy.
Albert comes in just as Santa comes down the chimney. Now if Albert were anything like the mouse of science and research this story presented him as, he would have investigated this question a long time ago and would have seen Santa. However, such thought wouldn't serve the tiny minds that wrote this hugely anti-intellectual garbage. They know nothing about how the scientific method works, so they just made him look dumb and then screamed “SHUT UP HIPPIE!” at him. This is one of the worst straw man argument I’ve ever seen constructed. It makes me spit acid and causes venom to shoot from my finger tips. When you've got crappy mid-90s Marvel Villains emitting from your fingers, you are watching a bad cartoon.
I'm quite happy to report that when the spring melts came the river rose and this town was flooded out of existence, only Albert survived because he was the only one who didn't believe bricks could float.
Santa delivers the loot to the Trundle house and then vanishes into the night. Evidently he only forgave the one house that made the clock for him. I can't think of any other reason why he suddenly showed up, filled two stockings and then left. Clearly he still hates the rest of the town because they put no effort into wooing him like Josh did. While he leaves, he sprays some sort of chemical, or possibly radioactive waste on the town. Something sparkly falls from the back of that sled and seeps into their water supply. How else do you explain the way the children look? Santa is a dick. He cancels christmas at the drop of a hat, kills children, mutates entire towns and gets pissed at opinion pieces in the local rag. I wish there really was a war on Christmas, then I could join and shoot Santa.
-87 Degrees on the Graffiti Bridge Scale.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The Great VEWPRF Death March – A Garfield Christmas
A Garfield Christmas Special (1987 Dir. Phil Roman)
Some of you may remember back in November I ran a review for the Garfield Thanksgiving Special. In that review, I called it the most hateful thing ever connected to Thanksgiving. I meant it then and I mean it now. It was evil, hateful, lacking in any kind of morality and not funny. It told us that deceit and lies were great things that should be rewarded. Well now it's December, and now we're looking at a Christmas Special. Will it be as bad? Who can say? I’m pretty sure that it will be though, I mean it is Garfield after all. I’m guessing it will be self-serving, cynical, and will try ham-fisted emotional manipulation. There will probably be some songs that make you want to pour Clorox right into your ear to try and cleanse your brain of their memory. Let’s see if I’m right!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
The Great VEWPRF Death March – Mickey's Christmas Carol
This is the darkest part, but we'll be alright. I know the way.
Take my hand, and follow me into the madness....
If you want to listen to the original record that this movie is based on, click here.
Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983 Dir. Burny Mattinson)
London was so dirty in those days, even the sky was brown and cracked.
You might want to hide the children and put on your big girl panties. The 0Christmas Carol is one of my favorite stories, and when it’s not treated well, I react badly. As a result, this review is going to be a whack job. Make no mistake my darlings, I hold this version in contempt. This is going to be short and nasty because that's what this version of the story is, short and nasty. It does however look very nice, so the screen caps will belie the evil within.
There goes our hero, and what a figure he is.
As a version of A Christmas Carol goes, this one gets the names of some of the characters right. I've often thought that there are so many versions of the movie around that a person could probably put together a credible script with out ever having read a single line of the book. I think that's probably what we have here in fact. Partly this is actually based on a record that they made in the 70s. Many of the lines from that record remain in this version in fact. A few parts were recast, but that's to be expected because some of the characters used in the book didn't make as big an impact as they thought they might.
Dude, you got any twinkies? I've totally got the munchies.
Let's talk about the casting shall we? This is not the first time that a company has taken characters that already existed and recast them as characters in the book and it wouldn't be the last time either. It is however the most annoying. After they decided that Bob Cratchit was the most sympathetic. Scrooge McDuck was already supposed to be Donald's Uncle so might as well give him Fred. After that, they just sort of looked around and asked who could use the work. While some characters work, others just seem to be slotted in because someone could find the model sheets for them. The end result is an uneven mishmash that just doesn't work for me.
The undead have a LOT of time on their hands.
We get the worst version of the day off talk, because Mickey is so gutless he'll only ask for half a day off. Scrooge also instead of commenting that he could dock his pay, simply announces that he will. Then Fred comes in, followed by the charitable gentlemen (played by Ratty and Mole), with script and acting that doesn't match up to a middle school play production. It's supposed to be amusing, but it just doesn't work for me.
I'm telling you! You've got to close the beaches!
Goofy shows up as Marley, which includes some shadow play and other amusements that only serve to remind us how lightweight this version is. For as much as the later part of this version is going to be on a rocket sled, the extended bits of padding just make me bored. It either should have been longer, or it should have all gone at the same pace. Also the shadow play is just plain wrong. If Marley could lift Scrooge's hat, he could act for good in human affairs, and thus the character's woe is completely lost.
Why would you need a badge? How many people are going around pretending to be the Ghost of Christmas Past?
Christmas Past is played by Jiminy Cricket, and I think they reuse the animation from Pinocchio when he gets his badge and just put a new badge over it. The audio is pretty bad here actually, the voiceovers don't mesh at all. Completely different audio qualities show up for each character's voice work. This is of course during Disney's worst time when they couldn't produce quality work if you put a gun to their heads. Animation from Robin Hood is re-used to fill out the Fezziwig party, with Mister Toad playing the Big F and Daisy Duck playing Isabelle. There is so much re-used animation here it's difficult to watch really. The old stuff looks so dated in comparison that it's barely worth watching. We only get Fezziwig and a horrible break up scene with Belle, which is pathetic in its attempts at comedy.
WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?
The giant from Mickey and the Beanstalk is used for Christmas present. Animation that was about forty-five years old was used in some of those scenes. I'm not sure a single line of Dickens is actually in this version actually. We see the Cratchit house, which has almost all new animation. The small meal is so overplayed though, it's just lame. We're then instantly taken to the grave yard where we se Mickey putting the crutch on a tombstone. Right after that it's shown that the ghost of the future is Peg-legged Pete, who throws him into his grave. The gravediggers are played by a couple of Weasels from Wind in the Willows by the way and we get more reused animation with them.
I hate these people, with all my heart.
Scrooge's transformation is totally meaningless because the story has shot by so fast. His cheapness has only been something for a joke and doesn't carry and weight. Face it, he was so bad before and he’s being so good now that it’s clearly just a momentary high. He’ll be back to raping orphans and running over widows within the week. We get even more re-used animation. Its new photography, but the drawings are being re-used and re-layered. The only reason I'm not more disgusted with this production is that it doesn't last longer. I must say that this is the single most useless version of the story in my entire collection. I'm gonna go punch a Disney animator now, if I can find one that hasn't been fired that is. I do like the Mickey Head they put at the beginning though, You might notice I even went so far as to make it the official Christmas Carol Icon for this series.
Best part of the whole movie.
