The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Forty-Seven)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

 

Chapter Forty-Seven: How You’ve Grown

Because we can't make up for the time that we've lost, I must let these memories provide.

10,000 Maniacs

 

            This shouldn’t be so hard.

 

            “Come on Karen.” Debbie said. “You should at least write one.”

 

            I’ve tried a few times, but it’s not going well. Normally I just sit and listen to other people pour out. After an “hour” of that I make an obvious suggestion and we go from there. What I’m not supposed to do is give my opinions. I’m not supposed to talk about other people or how I feel about them.

 

            Still though, Debbie can do this and Jack can do this, so I should be able to do it. I’ve read enough of these, I should be able to provide at least one entry. It’s not easy though. I’ve found that out just trying to make notes about what I wanted to say and what I wanted to write. I’ve gone through the whole event a dozen times and I think I’m still a little shell shocked to be honest.

 

            Let’s break down the last year? Shall be? Angela had her gall bladder removed after discovering her stones at three in the morning, and that was a fun trip let me tell you. The next three or four weeks after that were no picnic either. She didn’t get really sick, but there was an illness that swept through the house right after her surgery. After that, I found out that Jack had come out of the coma he’d spent almost two years in.

 

            That was… problematic to say the least. I know Debbie doesn’t know about everything. Even if Jack and she talked about it, there are things he didn’t talk to her about. Things I said and things he said, things we both did. It doesn’t matter now, but it goes a long way to explaining why it was tough for me.

 

            However, Debbie came to me and said I should see him. I think it was that memoir thing she’d written, it got her thinking about a lot of things. I won’t say that I was against the idea, but there were things between Jack and I. We worked it out though, mostly because we agreed that mutual forgiveness and satisfaction was better than mutual stubbornness and resentment.

 

            And that worked for a while, and then he went back to work and I didn’t really see him for a couple of weeks. I came over once, but for the most part he was out of town for that time. And then I was kidnapped, along with Debbie, the day after Jack caused so much trouble out in California. Debbie called, telling me she was sick, and they grabbed me when I went to see her.

 

            Once it was explained that they’d kill Debbie if I did anything stupid, I decided not to do anything stupid. I stayed with Debbie while our kidnappers let us go to work and act like everything was normal. I should have slipped someone a note or something, it’s so stupid to wait around for the male lead to rescue the weak and feeble womenfolk. I didn’t write a note though, I waited for him to come save us. I could have told Pete or Angela what was going on when I called them each night instead of pretending I was staying with Debbie while she had flu, but I didn’t.

 

            I’ll admit to being scared, but most people would have been scared in that situation. People like to think they wouldn’t be scared in those situations. They’d like to think they’d be tough and strong, but evidence shows they’re not. Most people get scared when offered violence and intimidation tactics. We fear the violent man because we fear pain for ourselves and for others.

 

            Jack wasn’t scared, but Jack isn’t healthy. He’s got a self destructive streak that comes off him like a smell and any intelligent woman can smell it a mile off. However, the chief problem is that his self-destructive streak smells like sex. Not just sex either, but the sort of sex you don’t tell your friends about because it’s too good to share with them. The sort of sex that you’d deliberately not talk about when you’re an old woman and your granddaughter finds a flower pressed in a book. The sort of sex that still makes you go weak at the knees days later just thinking about it. He’s not healthy, but neither is a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and I’m not good at resisting that either. The point is that Jack didn’t get scared, not for an instant. He just hit the guys who were watching over me and took me away.

 

            He came and rescued me as if I was sitting in a tower and he had ridden up on a white charger instead of a gray Skylark. He came, and he saved me so I could go home to my husband and wife and children. Because eventually you have to go home. Jack’s nice to be around, and you’d want to be around him, but you can’t keep him. He’s like one of those guys you maybe knew in college. The kind that you’d see at parties, and he’d be fun to hang out with, but you’d never actually give him your number or let him know what dorm you lived in. It’s not that you were afraid of him or anything, but you’d only want him around when you wanted him. You know what I mean? Like, you’d only go to some parties because he was going to be there? And you’d always go to his place? You know? Yeah. He’s like one of those guys. I know how that sounds, but there are at least a few women out there who know the kind of guy I’m talking about.

 

            Part of the problem is that I see guys who are like him all the time. They don’t have his charm, or his abilities, but I see them. Young men who have to struggle with the simplest expressions of their feelings. Trying to get a suicidaly depressed young man to open up, even a little bit, is quite a task. It can be even harder when you see the first man you ever really loved in each of their faces. Men repress too much. Jack represses too much, it makes him difficult to deal with sometimes. Debbie never talks to anyone else about the long stretches where he won’t do anything besides sit at his desk and scowl at things for days on end, but she tells me about it. Of course neither of them will admit the problem exists, and that makes it all the more frustrating.

 

            And that’s why I have trouble dealing with him. I know what he is, he’s an undiagnosed depressive. Of course I can’t tell them that, because it will sound like a diagnosis and I can’t diagnose someone I’ve had that close a relationship with.

 

            The other problem of course is that he manages to attract so many women. I’m fully aware that if one is going to be even remotely successful in the poly lifestyle, one must abandon jealousy, or at least deal with it better, but god damn! I mean God Damn! It’s not even that I want to feel jealous so much as I’d like to feel he has some sort of selection process. I’d like to know I’m more than a warm hole to him. He tells me I am, but he might tell them all that. How can one really believe him when he probably really does say these things to all the girls? He probably means it with all of them too.

 

            I’m not sure about the millionaire’s daughter actually. We had some time to talk, a lot of time before Jack got back and every single person within the tri-county area with a badge showed up. He didn’t tell her he loved her, in fact he’d told her he didn’t because they hadn’t had enough time for that sort of feeling to emerge. She said that he’d told her that love’s bloom hadn’t blossomed yet and they would have to wait to see what color the bud was, but that was just her talking because I know he wouldn’t use those words like that.

 

            Maybe he didn’t tell her, maybe he doesn’t tell all the girls. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling jealous, after all I was the one who cut off communication after that big fight we had. I didn’t wait for him, I developed along certain lines. He then developed along certain other lines, and I shouldn’t fault him. I just can’t help but wonder what would have happened if we’d all be a little more mature. I wouldn’t have found the two people who are best for me in all the world, that’s what would have happened.

 

            That’s probably where all this is going though, I don’t think Jack and I are going to be very close again. We will see each other, we’ll keep in touch now, we might even go out alone on occasion, but we’re not going to be close like we were in that summer. I’d like to be close with him though, closer than I am now.

 

            I’m going to have to work on that, getting close to him, making sure those fences are mended. I’ll work on it, and hopefully he’ll meet me half way. I do love him, and I want to be with him, just within certain terms and boundaries. I shall have to work on this a little more, see how he feels, we’ll have to have a discussion at some point.

 

 

 

 

#17

#16

#15

Banning Christmas

I'll say this once, before the season starts, and then I'll say it over and over and over again after that.

Christmas, as a holiday, has been banned all of twice that I know of.

Once was in England after the Civil War when Puritans took over and killed the king. They then banned Christmas and because of that, the king was put back on the throne.

The other time was when Puritans in America (Huh, they keep coming up) banned it because of the Pagan roots that were contained with in the holiday.

These bans were inscribed into law, by the right wing dickheads of their day. Just remember that, next time someone tells you about liberals trying to ban Christmas.

#14

#13

#12

#11

#10

#9

#8

#7

By the way, any idea why Flickr is suddenly written in Japanese?

#6

.

A couple of pictures

The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Forty-Six)

The Return of Jack Collier

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

Chapter Forty-Six: Now Who’s Rich?

By: Jill Piper

 

            Jack let was good about his word, letting me stay with him if I wanted to, but he was right. His place was too small for two people. It was alright when we were in bed together. Everything was alright in bed though, but nothing would ever be not right in bed with him. Outside though he was tripping over me and I couldn’t get around him. It wasn’t something you notice at first, but after a week it gets to you. He tried to make it easier for me, but the place was made for one man to live and occasionally entertain.

 

            I had an idea how to get us both out of that situation though, two days after dad was killed and his house was burned down. I wish I felt something more for him than that. It seems shallow to just say he was a man who died. I can’t say anything conjure up any more feeling for him than that though. He was a man who used me, abused me, and then was killed by one of them men who helped him abuse me. I’m not happy he’s dead, but I haven’t been sad about it either.

 

            So it was a couple of days after that event that Jack took me to his office so I could talk to Dad’s lawyers. I had him sit with me, to make sure that someone else was around if I didn’t understand something. I wasn’t scared of them, I just didn’t know them and I was a little shy now.

 

            They looked like TV lawyers, with slicked hair and neat suits and all that. Jack let them into his office, but we had a problem because I was sitting in the big red leather chair and he was going to sit behind his desk, which only left one chair for the two of them. I suppose they could have sat on each other’s lap, but it seemed rude to ask them. Jack though, he had a solution.

 

            “Jill, why don’t you sit at my desk?”

 

            “Where will you sit?” I asked him.

 

            “I’ll stand.” He told me and then leaned against the window frame. “Maybe lean against the wall, which looks quite cool.”

 

            “Are you Miss Piper’s representative?” One of the lawyers asked.

 

            “Close enough.” Jack said.

 

            “Very well.” He nodded. “Miss Piper, I’m Henry H. Barber. This is my partner Henry Parker.”

 

            “Parker?” Jack asked. “Related to Nathanial?”

 

            “Yes, he’s my cousin.” Parker said.

 

            “Ah.”

 

            “We have your father’s will, which needs to be read and gone over.” Barber said. “However I can tell you that besides the legal wording of the document, and a few small bequests, the entire estate is to be transferred to you.”

 

            “How much is that?” She asked.

 

            “Well.” Barber cleared his throat. “The recent events have created some complications. The house being destroyed, obviously changes our numbers.”

 

            “And then there is the other bequest.” Parker added, pulling his briefcase onto his lap and opening it. “Which involves Mister Collier. Or rather it involved your company.”

 

            “What’s he talking about?” I asked Jack.

 

            “You’re father made some interesting offers about payment.” He told me.

 

            “I have a letter here, from Mister Piper.” Parker said. “He does make some interesting comments about payments.”

 

            “Half the kingdom?” Jack said, and I was sort of annoyed because I felt like he was talking over my head.

 

            “So you did have that conversation with him.”

 

            “What?” I asked, I hate it when people do that. I’m a grown up now, they should stop acting like I’m not here.

 

            “You’re father agreed to pay Collier Investigations one half of his total holdings if you were returned safely.” Parker said. “That’s what this letter states.”

 

            “So I should pay Jack half my money?” I asked.

 

            “No.” Jack said. “Your father was under a great deal of stress.”

 

            “He states that the agreement was half his company, land and assets were to be turned over to you as long as you were to rescue his daughter from harm.” Parker said reading over the letter. “I’m afraid, Miss Piper that this would stand as a part of the debt incurred by the estate.”

 

            “I’ve got to give you half?” I asked him. “Is that right?”

 

            “No.” He shook his head. “Your father insisted on those terms, I only agreed to them because I needed to start moving.”

 

            “How much is the estate?” I asked, trying to sound grown up and commanding.

 

            “Sixty percent of the stock for Piper Foods. The house and land in Michigan, but of course the house has been destroyed by the fire. There is also the house in Florida and the one in California. Then there are six bank accounts totaling about seventy million and another eighty-five or so in assorted stocks and bonds.”

 

            “And I would pay Jack half that?”

 

            “No.” Jack sighed. “Because you’re father was insane when he made the deal.”

 

            “If he was not competent.” Parker started, but I was sick of this bullshit. I was a multi-millionaire and I wasn’t going to have anyone dictate to me. Daddy taught me one thing, people with money don’t have to listen to people who don’t.

 

            “Please be so good as to start the paperwork to transfer a quarter of the estate to Mister Collier’s company then.” I said, putting my foot down.

 

            “Jill.” Jack said.

 

            “Shut up Jack, I have more money than you.”

 

            “Not for long.” He growled. “You keep spending it on every dumb thing your father promised.”

 

            “I’m not.” I said, turning to him. “I’m ignoring his request.”

 

            “Pardon?” He asked.

 

            “I’ve decided to ignore my father. I agree that he was probably insane. However, you saved my life, you spent a lot of money and if that man who died in California has a family then you’ll need to give them at least two million in compensation, which comes under expenses. Now, do you want the house in California or Florida?”

 

            He just stood there, looking at me with his jaw hanging open. He wasn’t slack jawed, but like a lion in the zoo on a hot day. He looked like he would have jumped on me and bitten my face off if we’d been alone. He closed his mouth after a few seconds and his jaw clamped tight before he let it loosen. He then walked to the door and opened it.

 

            “Debbie, would you come in here for a second please?” He asked her.

 

            Debbie came into the office, almost slinking like a snake as he strode like a big cat. He went back to leaning on the wall next to the window and looked at all of us around the office. He then introduced everyone by pointing at them and giving their names.

 

            “Parker, Barber, Jill, Debbie, Jack.” He said. “Now will you please explain to this young lady why she can’t just give us a quarter of the estate her father left her?”

 

            “Well the letter said half.” Debbie said, shifting her weight onto one leg and looking sexy and smart and magnificent as she did so.

 

            “I’m ignoring my father.” I told her. “I think he was probably crazy.”

 

            “Probably.” Debbie said, giving me an approving smile.

 

            She’s been approving of me more lately. I’d taken Karen’s advice and called the psychologist she referred me to. There hadn’t been time to have an appointment yet, but I’m going to when it comes. I’ll do what I need to do for them, I’m learning how to be an adult.

 

            “And I think that the family of the man who died should get two million out of that share.” I told her.

 

            “We have a two million dollar retainer.” Debbie told me. “I can transfer that to them.”

 

            “We have two other men killed.” Jack said. “In Chicago.”

 

            “I’ll add another million and they can all have one each.”

 

            “And you don’t transfer them funds.” He said, glaring at Debbie. “You go, you look them in the eye, you tell them you’re sorry and that you know nothing will replace their loved one. Then and only then do you hand them the check.”

 

            “Okay.” She said and then her eyes flicked to the other people in the room. There seemed to be a sort of staring contest and she broke it by saying something. “Yes Jack.”

 

            I’m not sure why exactly, but that seemed to satisfy him somewhat.

 

            “Well then it’s just a matter of paper work then.” Barber said standing up.

 

            “Sit the fuck down!” Jack yelled. “We’re not through here yet.”

 

            “Why not?” Debbie asked him. “We’re supposed to take payment for jobs. We can’t just burn checks any more, we’ve got a payroll to meet.”

            “Don’t.” He started and stopped mid-sentence, I think he was going to say something, but he remembered we were all there and checked himself.

 

            “Do you have a detailed copy of the estate?” Debbie asked Barber.

 

            “Yes I do.” He said. “But I’m not sure about…”

 

            “You can show her.” I told him. “These are my friends Mister Barber.”

 

            “Well.” Barber began, but stopped when he caught Jack’s eye looking at him.

 

            “Mister Barber.” I said leaning a little forward and hunching my shoulders like the powerful people do in the movies. “These people are my lovers. Both of them, together. If you can’t handle the idea of giving my girlfriend, who I trust with everything, those papers than just give them to me and I’ll give them to her and get another lawyer.”

 

            Jack looked at me, I could feel him looking at me. I’m not sure what look he was giving me, because I was going to be damned if I was going to be seen looking to my man for approval of outing myself.

 

            “I meant no offense.” Barber said handing Debbie a packet of papers.

 

            “Thank you.” She smiled and looked at the papers quickly.

 

            “We’ve just got to make sure of your wishes.” Parker said.

 

            I looked at Jack, who seemed to be fuming about the whole thing. He was doing it in that very quiet way that I hadn’t really learned yet. In about two hours I would learn that the quite fuming meant that he was really genuinely furious. At the time I thought he was annoyed for telling the lawyers about us.

 

            “Should I have not said?” I asked.

 

            “That’s not the problem.” He said softly and reassuringly. “I don’t care who you tell about our personal arrangements.”

 

            “Oh.” I said.

 

            “You shouldn’t be blowing your money like this, just as soon as you get it.”

 

            It seemed to really bother him that I was talking about paying him so much, even though it was half of what he’d agreed to with Dad. It seemed so odd that anyone should be annoyed about being given money. I haven’t had a chance to really talk to him about it, I hope I get to someday.

 

            “Okay.” Debbie said. “This looks okay. If we get one of the houses I’ll take the Florida house for preference. We could use it as a base of operations when we start down there.”

 

            “Do I need to sign something gentlemen?” I asked the lawyers.

 

            There was, and there were a few things I had to read over and a few things to arrange. A few more things to sign and I had to agree to a few meetings with them to sign a few more things when the arrangements had been made. Jack looked annoyed through the whole thing, but Debbie didn’t seem to mind. If anything she looked like she was enjoying it.

 

            When the lawyers left, the three of us were left alone in his office. He at down in the blue and gold chair and ran his finger in a small circle round the brocade. He bit his lower lip and looked at the both of us. I know he was annoyed, and I know I should have felt like I was in trouble, but all I could think of was how sexy he looked like that.

 

            “You need a bigger place.” I told him.

 

            “You do.” Debbie agreed.

 

            “I like my place.” He growled.

 

            “It’s a nice place.” Debbie told him.

 

            “But it’s too small.” I said. “If I’m going to be living with you now, you’ll need a better place.”

            “You’re just staying with me a couple of days.” He said and started fumbling verbally. “I’m not living with anyone. It… wouldn’t be... fair.”

 

            “He’s probably right there.” Debbie said, not really leaping to my defense so much as meandering towards it. “It’s not just you with him. Not just me either. There’s at least two others and probably more that I don’t know about yet.”

 

            “Thank you for making me into a slut.” He snarled.

 

            “The point is,” Debbie told me. “He doesn’t know what he wants to do about it yet. Do you understand?”

 

            “I think so.” I said. “He doesn’t know if he has to pick one, or go with all of us or only a couple or whatever?”

 

            “Right.” She said. “And until he does work out what it is he wants to do, he’s going to have to have his place to himself.”

 

            I sort of got it then, it just clicked in my head. If I pushed too hard, he’d push himself away trying to get room to breath. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I would have to give him some space. I could feel something click in my mind, and I felt like I’d grown up a little bit right then.

 

            “Okay.” I said. “I’ll have to find a place though.”

 

            “There’s no hurry.” Jack said.

 

            “But I’ll have to do it.” I said. “And I will.”

 

            “Okay.” He said. “And we’ll help you. You won’t have to do it alone.”

 

            “Thanks Jack.” I said, trying to sound like Debbie did when she said it to him.

 

#5

#4

#3

#2

H2G2 Thoughts

I should say now, I haven’t seen the 2005 movie, and can’t say if there are other reasons why it failed to take off. The movie might have been utter crap, but I’m going to suggest another reason.

While it made some money, in fact it made double its budget, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie did not set the world alight. They made changes, it wasn’t as charming, many of the jokes exist within the narrative and would be awkward to fit into dialogue at best… these were all reasons suggested. What hasn’t been suggested is that the books are just plain out of date.

Hang on, hang on, put down the pitchforks and axe handles for a moment and listen. I just re-read the first three books and was struck by something I’d noticed, but had never been able to put my finger on before. The books are satire, and one of the major things they satirize is the incredible selfishness and self-obsession of the late 70s and early 80s. The books are mired in the “But enough about you” culture that was prevalent at the time. All the characters are so self-absorbed that it’s amazing they can ever actually have a conversation with anyone else. In fact, not listening to what the other person is saying is often the source of the comedy. While self-obsession is still a thing, it’s not the big a point of comedy that it was in the 80s. Any perusal of 80s comedy books will revel the “Me-me-me” idea was ripe and oft plucked fruit at the time. But something happened around 1994. People started going to shrinks and talking about themselves there. Computers started isolating people in a way we never thought possible. Maybe it was Grunge music that made people realize that they’d better get interested in their friends before another suicide happened. Maybe Prince changing his name just woke everyone the fuck up after we all glimpsed just how far down this rabbit whole went. Once you’ve got a rock star asking to be called the symbol for soapstone, you realize that not only is it turtles all the way down, but all those turtles think they’re the most important turtle in the world.

Whatever it was, the funny joke about being a self-absorbed yuppie just wasn’t funny anymore. There are young geeks, I have met them, who don’t understand the relationship between Ford and Arthur. They don’t get why Ford would have Arthur along, since he clearly doesn’t like him very much, and they don’t get that Ford is just exasperated with all the things Arthur doesn’t know, but that he’s simultaneously too lazy to bother explaining*. They don’t get that much of the satire is of a time and place that doesn’t exist anymore and was really funny to people who now are embarrassed to admit they ever acted like that. It was a different time you understand., 1979-1992. There are jokes the kids get, but many they don’t, because the world has moved on and those jokes just aren’t funny anymore.

That might be why the movie didn’t do as well. Or, maybe it sucked. I don’t rightly know myself, I still haven’t seen it.




*That’s not entirely fair to Ford, but roll with it, I’m giving a shorthand explanation here.

This is the song of my people

Dear Ravens,

There is a hawk..
If you get past the hawk, there are two dogs.
If you get past the hawk and the two dogs, he's still wearing his armor.
Even if you just want to peck out the eyes, it's going to be difficult.

Is this really what you want to do for breakfast?

#1

Old Man demands kids get off his lawn, film at 11

It's very sad to see someone be so incredibly intellectually dishonest. It's also very sad to see someone whittle down the definition of art until he conveniently has it to the point that video games can't fit and then says "HA! There! I proved it!" I've read the books and philosophers he's using to back up his arguments, and he’s misquoting some and either failed to understand others or is picking and choosing quotes to fit his already narrow world view. That’s even sadder, because of the dishonesty I mentioned.

The linked rant is a very sad read for any intelligent being, because the writer of it is clearly being deliberately obtuse, and dishonest with their words and ideas.

There is a comparison some idiots make in the Games/Art argument. Citizen Kane, they claim, is art. It isn't by the way, its a bloated piece of shit and I have to stick needles under my toe nails to stay awake while watching it. Mortal Kombat, they claim, is not art. Okay, I'll bite. Is Mean Guns Art? In terms of storytelling, they're both about the same. We pick off contenders until the last one or so is left and they fight for the prize. AND! The movie versions of both have Christopher Lambert! An actor known for picking people off until only one remains and he gets the prize because of Highlander. Are we at High Art yet? My point is that it's unfair to compare one of the bits of dreck to something you consider to be great to try and win an argument.

Do we want to compare?

Okay!

Transformers: Dark of the Moon Vs. The Myst Masterpiece Edition
Verdict - Movies are not art (BOOM!)

Interview with the Vampire Diaries of Edward Sparklepants and his paramour Anita Blake Vs GoldenEye
Verdict - Books are not art (POW!)

That stupid Marilyn Monroe thing Warhol made Vs. Portal
Verdict - Paintings are not art (ZOWIE!)

A high school bathroom Vs. CoD 4: Modern Warfare
Verdict - Architecture is not art (Baysplosions!)

I could go on all day, but the single fact that those comparisons are not fair and further that they're kinda bullshit is glaringly obvious. However, so are some of the arguments laid at the feet of video games, so I don’t mind.

Bottom line, are games art? Yes. A new form, a different kind, one that needs to be understood on its own terms and for its own merits. Even under the claims of some, that video games allow a player to have freedom to go where they want instead of sticking to the path chosen by the creator isn’t true. Video games are amazingly linear and rigidly mapped out. A few try not to look that way, and a few even manage not the feel that way, but the games can only really be played in a certain order and if you skip bits it becomes like skipping pages in a book or leaping ahead in a movie because you find the kissing bits boring or not looking at the entire painting because there aren’t any boobs in this one.

And why does it matter? Because a toy can be censored in several countries, but art cannot. Is that simple enough for you? As movies loose ground to video games, it’s important to give them the same intellectual protections so that their freedom of expression isn’t squashed by some bureaucrat who has decided that The Kids are getting too hard to control with their video games and their ipads and their wanting equal protection under the law and that it’s time for some good old fashioned repression.

For Burger Town

Modern Warfare 2's story is really kind of stupid. Here is a run down as to why, but suffice to say, it's dumb.

Russia Invades America! Yeah, right.

I can give you many, many reasons beyond the ones in that little write up for why that’s stupid, but I don’t want to go into that right now. Besides, I just did. What I want to talk about is Burger Town. There is a fast food joint called Burger Town in the game, it’s a stand in for all the burger joints you can think of and during the invasion of America, you’re forced to retreat to it. This means, there are voice actors saying the line “Get to Burger Town!” and “Defend Burger Town!” while you’re fighting off the improbable Russian Hoard. A hoard who don’t seem to have a cogent staging point, or an actual plan or a very good reason for invading… but never mind! What you have is Burger Town, and them Commie Former Commie Sons of Bitches want it!

While Syd sat next to me shaking her head saying “I mean, where are they launching from? That’s heavy artillery they’re driving around, you can’t just back that up on a bus. They’d have to have an airfield, and a supply line, and… did they just demand you defend Burger town?”

And I looked at her with all the love I could muster in my eyes and said “We draw the line at burgers baby. Those borsch sucking bastards might take Nate's Restaurant, but they won’t take Burger Town!”

As a result, I was sitting in my living room, with a greater sense of sarcasm than any of the actors yelling “FOR BURGER TOWN!” while I shot at hapless Russian Soldiers who probably had only joined for the water skiing and had asked them to put ‘no killing’ on their forms.

5 Reasons Why No One Will Ever Invade America (probably)

1. USA is too big
We’re a coast-to-coast nation, this makes it hard to establish any kind of beachhead. You’d have to try and take a costal city, like Miami, while the rest of the country is focusing on fucking your shit up good and proper. No matter what part of the country someone hit, the rest of the nation would be prepared to hit back. There’s no way to attack the whole country at once without the use of nuclear weapons, and if you’re going for nukes then invasion isn’t on your itinerary. Also, breathing isn’t on your itinerary if you nuke us. We’ve got more nukes than anyone and guess where they’ll all be aimed once Denver turns to dust and we’ve clocked that you’re not fucking around.

2. You can’t really control this place.
We’re too fragmented, too ready to follow local leaders against the invaders. Even if you knocked out our national network, and that’s a huge if, we’d just fall back on governors and the like. Again, the sheer size of the place makes invasion a difficult issue. No matter where you hit, you can’t possibly have enough people to control all the deliberately fragmented areas. Even China doesn’t have enough people to hold this place. No matter what happened, there would be so many pockets of resistance that the situation would quickly spiral out of any semblance of control.

3. Our neighbors suck at resources and would make terrible staging points.
You need to launch your invasion from somewhere. We’ve got a neighbor to the north, and one to the south, and if we heard of something happening there we would run to see what was up. Neither Canada nor Mexico produce anywhere near enough food to supply an invading force. Mexico has a lot of desert and Canada has a lot of undeveloped land that would take decades to make arable. Both nations have an army as well, and Canadians always seem a little twitchy to me to be honest. They’ve got that look in their eye. You know the look? That look that says while they were willing to be polite in almost any circumstances, now that you’ve invaded, shit is indeed on. Yeah, that look. Remember, they produced Wolverine. Never trusted Canada myself, I’ve always thought they would send back the heads of an invading army with an apologetic note pinned to each one saying they were sorry for the blood stains. As a result, neither nation presents itself as a natural platform. In order to use either you would have to rely on heavily stretched supply lines and headless soldiers in the case of Canada. All the while, you’d have to deal with the US sending troops, guns, tanks, planes, camels, steak knives, hookers with hearts of gold and a coked-up Toby Keith to our buddies in order to help them repel the invaders.

4. You’d have to take us all on.
Americans aren’t really known for their sanity. We’re more known for our blind patriotism, our love of fatty foods and our proclivity towards mindless violence. Even if 90% of the nation fell in with the invaders, and that’s a huge fucking if, that would still leave around 30 million freedom fighters who have decided that your shit needs ruining in the worst possible way. According to some quick and very shoddy research I just did, there are only about 2 million people in the US armed forces. That would mean that if a foreign power had roughly the same numbers, they would be outnumbered 15 to 1. The thing is, I’m sort of guessing that my 30 million fighters might be a conservative estimate. As batshit crazy as my fellow countrymen have proven to be when attacked, I’m thinking the number would likely be much higher than that. We do have a habit of putting our differences aside if it means we have to go cut a collective bitch. Even if it’s only 50 million though, that’s a million people in each state, all of whom have decided that they’d like to kill them one of those sons-of-bitches what invaded our land. Besides, once we get Toby Keith all coked up, he counts for three. And we wouldn’t be worried about armament because…

5. Well… we do ALL have guns.
I am actually serious about this. There are roughly enough weapons to give every man, woman and child a firearm. Invade and you are facing a nation of 300 million armed and dangerous nutters. And that’s not including the people who have decided to also go for knives, sword, bows, baseball bats, tire irons, clubs, sharp sticks, things that appear in Dead Rising as weapons, and a coked-up Toby Keith. As much as I deplore gun violence and I am concerned about the ease for people to just get a gun and shoot another person, I do love me that Second Amendment. I personally think all good liberals should buy a gun, maintain it and practice shooting. This is because A) It’s your right and you should exercise your rights and B) If the shit ever does hit the fan, you’ll want to be prepared.

So to recap, the size of the place works against you, you’d have no friendly port for resources, the fragmented and layered style of government makes it hard to crush organized resistance, there sure are a lot of us willing to fight, and we’re the most heavily armed populace in the history of history. This isn’t to say that no one ever will try to invade, or that no one will ever try to knock out a few cities, but the fact is that it’s a fool’s game and you could never hope to win. Hell, just the number of peacenik liberals I know with shotguns under their beds should give any invader pause. So relax, it’ll be okay. Besides, if anyone ever does come, we just introduce Toby Keith to cocaine and let him go at it. We just have to be careful, we have no idea the power we could be unleashing.

Ooh, pictures