Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Polyamory Q&A: Questions 6 and 7
6. What's your ideal relationship plan?
Hard to say, I want more than I’ve got now, that’s for sure. I would like at least one more person, maybe two, who knows. My plan is one where everyone is happy. If everyone is in love with each other, that would be best. A semi-closed triangle or square? Yeah, that sounds okay. Now, don’t get on me about fairness, or about what other people in the relationship might want, that wasn’t the question. The question was about MY ideal and MY ideal has a small group of lovers, each of whom I can form connections with on different levels with semi-regular intervals of group sex.
I just want all the little empty cracks in my heart to be filled. I learned long ago that one person wasn’t going to excite all my interests, so I needed more than one. Also, group sex is a lot of fun, I’m not going to lie to you. Three ways rock and I’m assuming four ways rock even more.
7. Would you like two co-primaries, a staggered hierarchy (primary, secondary, tertiary), or a partner and a host of casual fuckmuppets?
I am made very uncomfortable by the idea of the hierarchical layout. I just can’t get into that vibe much. I don’t like putting one person above another. Some people, that’s totally for them, but not so much for me. Of course, as things currently stand, who knows what the situation will be the next time someone shows up at our door?
That being said, I could see the advantage to casual fuckmuppetry, but I could also see the downsides. I’m fairly fluid mentally, so I could have a friend, and be sort of a lover, but still technically be a friendship, I suppose. I’d already have deep feelings for them, if we were going that far, so it wouldn’t be that big a shift. Maybe? I’ve never had a fuckmuppet before, so I can’t say.
Polyamory Q&A: Question 5
5. Lately I've been wondering about poly relationships over the long term. Relationships I thought were going to last didn't. How long can a poly relationship really last?
How long can any relationship last? Long term can be tough, you add extra people and the toughness of long term grows exponentially. Take a simple three way relationship. A has an individual relation ship with B. A also has an individual relationship with C. C and B have an individual relationship with each other. But wait, there’s more! Then there is the relationship between A, B and C as a unit. Then you have how A feels about B and C in their relationship, how B feels about A and C and how C feels about B and A. Even if B and C aren't actually involved, by dint of them both seeing A, they are still in a relationship of some variety. Now if C has an outside relationship, then the math gets even harder and I’m no good at math. There are a lot of variables, a lot of relationships, and all of them have to work for a poly relationship to work. When things break down then things fall apart. All that being said, I know some poly people who were together longer than Syd, Holly and I and as far as I know they still are together. It can work, but things have to be properly functioning.
I’ll say it like this, and then say no more. It’ll last as long as it lasts, try to enjoy the ride. When it ends, you’ll have your memories. It will end, because everything ends. People die, things change, end comes. You will one day have to meet the Sky Bunny and talk to the Great Pixie and everything will end. What is certain, and how long have you really got? Only Fancy knows, and she ain’t telling.
How long can any relationship last? Long term can be tough, you add extra people and the toughness of long term grows exponentially. Take a simple three way relationship. A has an individual relation ship with B. A also has an individual relationship with C. C and B have an individual relationship with each other. But wait, there’s more! Then there is the relationship between A, B and C as a unit. Then you have how A feels about B and C in their relationship, how B feels about A and C and how C feels about B and A. Even if B and C aren't actually involved, by dint of them both seeing A, they are still in a relationship of some variety. Now if C has an outside relationship, then the math gets even harder and I’m no good at math. There are a lot of variables, a lot of relationships, and all of them have to work for a poly relationship to work. When things break down then things fall apart. All that being said, I know some poly people who were together longer than Syd, Holly and I and as far as I know they still are together. It can work, but things have to be properly functioning.
I’ll say it like this, and then say no more. It’ll last as long as it lasts, try to enjoy the ride. When it ends, you’ll have your memories. It will end, because everything ends. People die, things change, end comes. You will one day have to meet the Sky Bunny and talk to the Great Pixie and everything will end. What is certain, and how long have you really got? Only Fancy knows, and she ain’t telling.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fantasy Issue
I rarely see fantasy set between the 14th and 18th century. You will get the occasional pirate story, with a Kraken or ghost pirates, but that's about it really. Once you get to the 19th century there is some, more if you allow the fuzzy line of definition to include steam punk. The 20th has lots, both contemporary and historical. Once you start getting Renaissance and Enlightenment though, the numbers drop rather sharply.
The rules also get weirdly specific, when you can find it at all. You can have big huge monsters, you can have magic, and you can have some ghosts, but elves and fairies are right out. Magic swords are a no-no, and don’t even get me started on amulets or cloaks. These are things that turn up again later in modern day fantasy, but they went underground during that period or something. However, with a magic pirate story you can have fish people, and those are never around in any other context.
The rules also get weirdly specific, when you can find it at all. You can have big huge monsters, you can have magic, and you can have some ghosts, but elves and fairies are right out. Magic swords are a no-no, and don’t even get me started on amulets or cloaks. These are things that turn up again later in modern day fantasy, but they went underground during that period or something. However, with a magic pirate story you can have fish people, and those are never around in any other context.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Polyamory Q&A: Question 4
4. Let’s go back to this Different People for Different Reasons thing…
That’s not a question, but okay. I like ice cream, you dig that? I also like Salt and Vinegar potato chips, you dig that? Okay, when I’m in the mood for ice cream, I go to the freezer and get some ice cream. When I want something salty and sour, I go to the pantry for the S&V chips, right? Okay! Now… Girlfriend #1 is a freezer and Girlfriend #2 is a pantry… and I just realized I am never getting laid every again… ever… too many fucking ellipses in this paragraph… I don’t care… I happen to like them and I think they give a nice Baroque feel to a…pation paragraph.
Sorry, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, food.
Sometimes the flavors mesh, ice cream and fresh berries go quite nicely together and make eating a delight. If you pour some hot caramel over them, and some whipped cream, and a couple of cute little cherries… then you’ll have to wash the bed sheets because that shit will get sticky. POINT IS! Flavors can mesh, and sometimes they can’t, but you can enjoy each as an individual thing and enjoying one does not detract from your enjoyment of the other. You can still love fresh strawberries, even if you also love ice cream. I don’t see the point in never eating a cherry again, just because I like strawberries a little more and I really don’t see the point of never having salt and vinegar chops again because I like strawberries as well.
Each person brings something new to the table, like a love of Shakespeare or in some cases, acid jazz. Syd likes outdoorsy stuff and the magic of nature, Holly didn’t. Hol liked Museums and Syd will tag along, but she can’t get enthusiastic about them. Syd likes video games and books with dragons on the cover, other girls like grunge music or cooking shows. I’m over simplifying, for the sake of making a model, but this could go on all night if I let it, but I won’t let it. The point is that I don’t need my one lover to be all things to me. I can have my other lover be the other things that the first lover is not. One can be gentle and understanding, the other can be frank and honest. It makes a good balance when it works, and you can build up a feedback loop of extra love that gets stored in little Coptic jars that have sexual positions on them instead of animal heads.
That’s not a question, but okay. I like ice cream, you dig that? I also like Salt and Vinegar potato chips, you dig that? Okay, when I’m in the mood for ice cream, I go to the freezer and get some ice cream. When I want something salty and sour, I go to the pantry for the S&V chips, right? Okay! Now… Girlfriend #1 is a freezer and Girlfriend #2 is a pantry… and I just realized I am never getting laid every again… ever… too many fucking ellipses in this paragraph… I don’t care… I happen to like them and I think they give a nice Baroque feel to a…
Sorry, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, food.
Sometimes the flavors mesh, ice cream and fresh berries go quite nicely together and make eating a delight. If you pour some hot caramel over them, and some whipped cream, and a couple of cute little cherries… then you’ll have to wash the bed sheets because that shit will get sticky. POINT IS! Flavors can mesh, and sometimes they can’t, but you can enjoy each as an individual thing and enjoying one does not detract from your enjoyment of the other. You can still love fresh strawberries, even if you also love ice cream. I don’t see the point in never eating a cherry again, just because I like strawberries a little more and I really don’t see the point of never having salt and vinegar chops again because I like strawberries as well.
Each person brings something new to the table, like a love of Shakespeare or in some cases, acid jazz. Syd likes outdoorsy stuff and the magic of nature, Holly didn’t. Hol liked Museums and Syd will tag along, but she can’t get enthusiastic about them. Syd likes video games and books with dragons on the cover, other girls like grunge music or cooking shows. I’m over simplifying, for the sake of making a model, but this could go on all night if I let it, but I won’t let it. The point is that I don’t need my one lover to be all things to me. I can have my other lover be the other things that the first lover is not. One can be gentle and understanding, the other can be frank and honest. It makes a good balance when it works, and you can build up a feedback loop of extra love that gets stored in little Coptic jars that have sexual positions on them instead of animal heads.
That's logical
One could logically argue that a lack of butt-sex makes the Gods weak.
I'm not saying they'd be right, I'm saying that by using whatever passes for logic, they could make that argument.
The problem with logical arguments is that they always seem to follow a If A + B = C then logically, B+C must = D sort of path. It doesn't matter if B+C would actually equal E, once you start following a "So that's reasonable, right?" path, things can get twisted into non-sense quite quickly. This is particularly true if, like me, you failed algebra twice and never quite understood why all these letters were suddenly in math class. I always kind of thought I’d fallen asleep and was sleeping through English.
I'm not saying they'd be right, I'm saying that by using whatever passes for logic, they could make that argument.
The problem with logical arguments is that they always seem to follow a If A + B = C then logically, B+C must = D sort of path. It doesn't matter if B+C would actually equal E, once you start following a "So that's reasonable, right?" path, things can get twisted into non-sense quite quickly. This is particularly true if, like me, you failed algebra twice and never quite understood why all these letters were suddenly in math class. I always kind of thought I’d fallen asleep and was sleeping through English.
Poly Questions: Behind the scenes
So, I wasn’t exactly asked, but an eyebrow was raised. Why am I writing essays on polyamory after not talking about it for such a long time? Did I meet someone? Am I gearing myself up to re-enter the market? Well, no, it’s not that. There’s another reason.
After the break-up, I kind of felt I had no right to talk about it. I’d been in successful, working relationship for a long time. Ours was the relationship that many people were pinning their dreams to. This was the one they knew about that was lasting and working, and I felt that people depended on me to tell them about how we were doing and what tips they might take away. Having things not work, and spin out and explode like that, the old ego took a hit.
Now, even though it’s just the two of us, we still define ourselves as a poly household. We’re just a poly house with only two members, because finding another person is hard when your shy and introverted and don’t have money to hit the clubs or fly to Wales and pick out a nice red haired girl right off the farm. Because I like the accent, that’s why Wales. Point is we’re still part of the community, as much as we ever were anyway. I’m not much of a group joiner and neither is Syd, so it becomes hard. Still though, poly people.
As a poly person, I still read some poly websites and look at some boards now and then. This is where these posts come in. Every time I see someone write some FAQ or answer questions from the audience, they always do it in a way that sounds… how do I put this? Very college liberal. They use technical terms, or they try to be very understanding about everyone’s feelings, or they talk like they’ve got degrees in behavioral psychology, or they talk in grand and lofty terms… none of them every actually talk like an honest to Fancy human. I almost never get these sense that these people have actually scrapped their knees or had anything ever happen to them. There is a calm, detached dishonesty to the whole thing. Like, they’re so interested in “can’t we all be rational” that they forget this is all about fucking.
What I found lacking was a distinct sense of honest to goodness “This is my story” sort of things. Now, it’s entirely possible I wasn’t looking in the right places. If I were more into being a community member, perhaps members of the online community could point me to the things I’ve been saying are missing, but that would require dealing with the sort of people who hang out in online communities, you know?
So I took some questions that I thought had unsuitable answers and then asked you, the audience, to suggest more questions to be answered. And I have diligently set about answering those questions as best and as honestly as I can. No extensive use of technical terms, no trying to reach a better field of understanding through pop-psych bullshit, just good old natural down home wisdom. Well, down home wisdom mixed with a startling intellect and an extensive understanding of history and how to use the word fuckmonkeys, but yeah. I wanted to see if I could cut through the bullshit and give you something honest.
I think I’ve managed pretty well. If I may toot my own horn a bit, I think The Tale of Kitty is one of the best explanations for how the basic mechanics of polyamory works that I've ever written. I’m really quite proud of that one. Either way, I’m enjoying the process and hey, writing again! That’s not a bad thing, right? Right? Hope so, I’ve got a few more questions to go. You can still ask your questions today! Either in this post, or in the comments section right here.
After the break-up, I kind of felt I had no right to talk about it. I’d been in successful, working relationship for a long time. Ours was the relationship that many people were pinning their dreams to. This was the one they knew about that was lasting and working, and I felt that people depended on me to tell them about how we were doing and what tips they might take away. Having things not work, and spin out and explode like that, the old ego took a hit.
Now, even though it’s just the two of us, we still define ourselves as a poly household. We’re just a poly house with only two members, because finding another person is hard when your shy and introverted and don’t have money to hit the clubs or fly to Wales and pick out a nice red haired girl right off the farm. Because I like the accent, that’s why Wales. Point is we’re still part of the community, as much as we ever were anyway. I’m not much of a group joiner and neither is Syd, so it becomes hard. Still though, poly people.
As a poly person, I still read some poly websites and look at some boards now and then. This is where these posts come in. Every time I see someone write some FAQ or answer questions from the audience, they always do it in a way that sounds… how do I put this? Very college liberal. They use technical terms, or they try to be very understanding about everyone’s feelings, or they talk like they’ve got degrees in behavioral psychology, or they talk in grand and lofty terms… none of them every actually talk like an honest to Fancy human. I almost never get these sense that these people have actually scrapped their knees or had anything ever happen to them. There is a calm, detached dishonesty to the whole thing. Like, they’re so interested in “can’t we all be rational” that they forget this is all about fucking.
What I found lacking was a distinct sense of honest to goodness “This is my story” sort of things. Now, it’s entirely possible I wasn’t looking in the right places. If I were more into being a community member, perhaps members of the online community could point me to the things I’ve been saying are missing, but that would require dealing with the sort of people who hang out in online communities, you know?
So I took some questions that I thought had unsuitable answers and then asked you, the audience, to suggest more questions to be answered. And I have diligently set about answering those questions as best and as honestly as I can. No extensive use of technical terms, no trying to reach a better field of understanding through pop-psych bullshit, just good old natural down home wisdom. Well, down home wisdom mixed with a startling intellect and an extensive understanding of history and how to use the word fuckmonkeys, but yeah. I wanted to see if I could cut through the bullshit and give you something honest.
I think I’ve managed pretty well. If I may toot my own horn a bit, I think The Tale of Kitty is one of the best explanations for how the basic mechanics of polyamory works that I've ever written. I’m really quite proud of that one. Either way, I’m enjoying the process and hey, writing again! That’s not a bad thing, right? Right? Hope so, I’ve got a few more questions to go. You can still ask your questions today! Either in this post, or in the comments section right here.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Polyamory Q&A: Question 3 (The tale of Kitty)
3. You say you love your friends, but if you get physical, doesn’t that make them just a fuck buddy?
No, and that phrasing things like that is going to get you killed someday. Terms like “fuck buddy” or “friends with benefits” tend to be used by people who want sex, but don’t want to/aren’t able to commit to a relationship. The way I feel towards certain friends is the exact opposite of that. I have a strong, committed feeling towards them, but can’t interact on a physical level for one reason or another. If I graduate to physical connection with a friend, there has already been an emotional connection. Love (for a given value of love) already exists, feelings have already taken root.
Let me tell you the story of a friend of mine, one that exemplifies what I mean. I have a friend that we shall call Kitty. It’s not her name, but I don’t want to use her name and I won’t use her first initial because that has always annoyed me. Why just do an initial when you can assign a completely new name? So this is Kitty, but she’s not a world weary whore with a heart of gold & a nose for trouble, so you can kindly get THAT image out of your mind thank you very much. Kitty is very dear to me, and while I’m not entirely sure she’d like to be the subject of a post like this, the things I’m going to say in this post at least shouldn’t be a surprise to her, so that’s something. Most of you won’t get within a mile of guessing who she is anyway, so she shouldn’t flip out in the comments and demand to know why I wrote about her. She should just sit tight and remember that no one else knows who she is. Syd knows, she knows, I knows, that’s probably the extent of it. If one or two other people know… well, that’s life. None of this is actually news anyway. And if she gets annoyed at me, well, I've lived a long a fruitful life.
I first met Kitty online, through a mutual friend. She liked a turn of phrase I used so much that she decided to read more of my stuff and we commenced to talking. About two months after we met online, we met in person. I was already getting to know her, and like her quite a bit, before I met her. When I did meet her… words like “Wow!” and “My goodness” are hardly sufficient. She was smart, beautiful, vivacious, quick witted, opinionated on numerous subjects, boisterous, and her voice was just a bit like music. I was enchanted, practically to the point of intimidation. These are just first impressions you understand. First meetings at an evening get together. Still, I was smitten and quite hard. I quickly developed quite a little crush on her. I still have that crush actually, I keep it in a box and take it out on lonely afternoons to admire it.
Now, I didn’t reveal this crush right away (though I suspect it was obvious to some) for several reasons. One, I’m shy. Yes, actually, I am. When it comes to important things, I lock up and get cold feet. Those of you frustrated as to why I’m still unpublished, ungalleried and… unmagazined? What do you do with photos? Anyway, I lack confidence and it’s hard to borrow a cup sometimes. It’s sort of sad really, because Kitty was single and kind of frustrated about it when I met her. I could have made an approach I suppose, but shyness got in the way. So did Holly now I think of it. Hol was insanely jealous of Kitty, rarely admitted her humanity, said she wasn’t cute but rather “Loud and obnoxious” and thought she was going to steal me away from her and Syd at any moment. I always had to be very, VERY careful about how I associated with Kitty because Holly constantly thought I was going to run off with her, which is ironic when you think about how that relationship ended, but never mind that now.
The other reason I didn’t hit on Kitty was that… well… approaching people who aren’t poly is kinda hard when you are. How to you feel them out on the idea? How do you express that you’d like them to enter a field that for most traditional people, would already be considered quiet crowded? I never know where to start, and while people can be accepting, the only people who have been really enthusiastic about the idea were judged to be unacceptable for reason of being “fucking psycho” which is a technical term. By the time I got to a place where I thought I could approach her, and explain how I was feeling, someone else had moved in and she was so incredibly head over heels for that guy that I could only really feel glad that someone I was falling in love with would be happy in a relationship. Okay, yes, I did feel some disappointment, but mostly just glad she’d found someone.
Now here’s the thing, I was perfectly happy to take up my place in the friend’s zone, not as a “One day he’ll dump her and then I can swoop in” but in a “I am her friend, that will do nicely” way. If we were friends, I could still talk to her and we could still be together, just together in a different way. Doesn’t mean I didn’t still look at the line of her jaw with admiration and attraction, but I didn’t have to make a big deal out of it. I was still deeply crushin’ on her, but I was content with my status. Actually, since I’m pretty sure she was not crushin’ on me, it was probably for the best. I’m sure she has some affection for me, particularly at this late date, but I’m also fairly sure that my bones where never in contention for jumping as far as she was concerned. She liked me, but she wasn’t into me, you know?
Now there are other things that went on during that period, and when she was having a bad day I would always try offer up my shoulder to her, but that’s what I do. I’ll admit, I offered it to her with far less reservation than I did most the people who got to explain their problems to me. And it’s not like I was looking for some reward. Being around her, just knowing I helped, was reward enough, you know? I had little interest, but to expand her joy and decrease her sorrow, but that’s how it is when someone is my favorite. I mean, yes, I am talking about my favorite girl that I never dated here. Someone who was only second to Syd and Hol in my affections. Now, I suppose she’s second only to Syd, although it’s kind of a far second.
Years passed, and things changed and what had been a great big crush dwindled into a minor crush and is now small enough to fit in a small box and be taken out on rainy days. I still love her though, still feel great affection for her. It still kills me when she expresses that she’s worried about her future, because I can see the fear at the edges of her words, and I don’t want her to be afraid of anything. I care deeply about her, and I want her to be happy, unburdened and unafraid. That may never really come to pass, except in rare moments, but it’s what I want for her. I have reveled to her the extent of my attraction, and that I’m still not going to try and move in on her, she seems okay with it. I suspect I was telling her stuff she’s known for years. She’s a smart cookie after all, that was one of the things that attracted me to her.
Now, if you were viewing that from the outside, what would you call that? Is it okay with you if I call it love? Not romantic love perhaps, not hot and sweaty love, certainly not the love where we swap spit and other bodily fluids, but a variety in which I care very much about a person. Yeah, the situation between us never grew to physical intimacy, but we have an emotional connection never the less.
Now if that relationship were to suddenly progress to intimacy, I think I would have to grab the tire thumper and use it on the person who called Kitty my “fuck buddy” until they were nothing more than a twisted memory.
No, and that phrasing things like that is going to get you killed someday. Terms like “fuck buddy” or “friends with benefits” tend to be used by people who want sex, but don’t want to/aren’t able to commit to a relationship. The way I feel towards certain friends is the exact opposite of that. I have a strong, committed feeling towards them, but can’t interact on a physical level for one reason or another. If I graduate to physical connection with a friend, there has already been an emotional connection. Love (for a given value of love) already exists, feelings have already taken root.
Let me tell you the story of a friend of mine, one that exemplifies what I mean. I have a friend that we shall call Kitty. It’s not her name, but I don’t want to use her name and I won’t use her first initial because that has always annoyed me. Why just do an initial when you can assign a completely new name? So this is Kitty, but she’s not a world weary whore with a heart of gold & a nose for trouble, so you can kindly get THAT image out of your mind thank you very much. Kitty is very dear to me, and while I’m not entirely sure she’d like to be the subject of a post like this, the things I’m going to say in this post at least shouldn’t be a surprise to her, so that’s something. Most of you won’t get within a mile of guessing who she is anyway, so she shouldn’t flip out in the comments and demand to know why I wrote about her. She should just sit tight and remember that no one else knows who she is. Syd knows, she knows, I knows, that’s probably the extent of it. If one or two other people know… well, that’s life. None of this is actually news anyway. And if she gets annoyed at me, well, I've lived a long a fruitful life.
I first met Kitty online, through a mutual friend. She liked a turn of phrase I used so much that she decided to read more of my stuff and we commenced to talking. About two months after we met online, we met in person. I was already getting to know her, and like her quite a bit, before I met her. When I did meet her… words like “Wow!” and “My goodness” are hardly sufficient. She was smart, beautiful, vivacious, quick witted, opinionated on numerous subjects, boisterous, and her voice was just a bit like music. I was enchanted, practically to the point of intimidation. These are just first impressions you understand. First meetings at an evening get together. Still, I was smitten and quite hard. I quickly developed quite a little crush on her. I still have that crush actually, I keep it in a box and take it out on lonely afternoons to admire it.
Now, I didn’t reveal this crush right away (though I suspect it was obvious to some) for several reasons. One, I’m shy. Yes, actually, I am. When it comes to important things, I lock up and get cold feet. Those of you frustrated as to why I’m still unpublished, ungalleried and… unmagazined? What do you do with photos? Anyway, I lack confidence and it’s hard to borrow a cup sometimes. It’s sort of sad really, because Kitty was single and kind of frustrated about it when I met her. I could have made an approach I suppose, but shyness got in the way. So did Holly now I think of it. Hol was insanely jealous of Kitty, rarely admitted her humanity, said she wasn’t cute but rather “Loud and obnoxious” and thought she was going to steal me away from her and Syd at any moment. I always had to be very, VERY careful about how I associated with Kitty because Holly constantly thought I was going to run off with her, which is ironic when you think about how that relationship ended, but never mind that now.
The other reason I didn’t hit on Kitty was that… well… approaching people who aren’t poly is kinda hard when you are. How to you feel them out on the idea? How do you express that you’d like them to enter a field that for most traditional people, would already be considered quiet crowded? I never know where to start, and while people can be accepting, the only people who have been really enthusiastic about the idea were judged to be unacceptable for reason of being “fucking psycho” which is a technical term. By the time I got to a place where I thought I could approach her, and explain how I was feeling, someone else had moved in and she was so incredibly head over heels for that guy that I could only really feel glad that someone I was falling in love with would be happy in a relationship. Okay, yes, I did feel some disappointment, but mostly just glad she’d found someone.
Now here’s the thing, I was perfectly happy to take up my place in the friend’s zone, not as a “One day he’ll dump her and then I can swoop in” but in a “I am her friend, that will do nicely” way. If we were friends, I could still talk to her and we could still be together, just together in a different way. Doesn’t mean I didn’t still look at the line of her jaw with admiration and attraction, but I didn’t have to make a big deal out of it. I was still deeply crushin’ on her, but I was content with my status. Actually, since I’m pretty sure she was not crushin’ on me, it was probably for the best. I’m sure she has some affection for me, particularly at this late date, but I’m also fairly sure that my bones where never in contention for jumping as far as she was concerned. She liked me, but she wasn’t into me, you know?
Now there are other things that went on during that period, and when she was having a bad day I would always try offer up my shoulder to her, but that’s what I do. I’ll admit, I offered it to her with far less reservation than I did most the people who got to explain their problems to me. And it’s not like I was looking for some reward. Being around her, just knowing I helped, was reward enough, you know? I had little interest, but to expand her joy and decrease her sorrow, but that’s how it is when someone is my favorite. I mean, yes, I am talking about my favorite girl that I never dated here. Someone who was only second to Syd and Hol in my affections. Now, I suppose she’s second only to Syd, although it’s kind of a far second.
Years passed, and things changed and what had been a great big crush dwindled into a minor crush and is now small enough to fit in a small box and be taken out on rainy days. I still love her though, still feel great affection for her. It still kills me when she expresses that she’s worried about her future, because I can see the fear at the edges of her words, and I don’t want her to be afraid of anything. I care deeply about her, and I want her to be happy, unburdened and unafraid. That may never really come to pass, except in rare moments, but it’s what I want for her. I have reveled to her the extent of my attraction, and that I’m still not going to try and move in on her, she seems okay with it. I suspect I was telling her stuff she’s known for years. She’s a smart cookie after all, that was one of the things that attracted me to her.
Now, if you were viewing that from the outside, what would you call that? Is it okay with you if I call it love? Not romantic love perhaps, not hot and sweaty love, certainly not the love where we swap spit and other bodily fluids, but a variety in which I care very much about a person. Yeah, the situation between us never grew to physical intimacy, but we have an emotional connection never the less.
Now if that relationship were to suddenly progress to intimacy, I think I would have to grab the tire thumper and use it on the person who called Kitty my “fuck buddy” until they were nothing more than a twisted memory.
I think we're done G+
I don't need an Identity Service. I don't know what that is, but if I've gone this long without it, I know I don't need it.
Also, I don't need a place where I have to be the Public Me, I've already got Facebook for that dubious service.
What's really annoying though is I don't need a place where the news feeds are continually shuffled and re-arranged every time someone comments or hits the +1 button. It's impossible for me to read the news feed that way. I don't have time to scroll through the whole thing and check the new order to see if there's anything I missed.
Besides, there are AGAIN less people on there than there were the day before. Another person either decided he'd had enough, or he got bounced because he was using his initials as his first name and Google has been deleting people for that.
Not many people were on there, now there are less, even fewer people actually post anything, and even fewer still post anything they don't post at Facebook and LJ.
I think we're done here G+, you're service is of no use to me, and I dislike all your policies.
Also, I don't need a place where I have to be the Public Me, I've already got Facebook for that dubious service.
What's really annoying though is I don't need a place where the news feeds are continually shuffled and re-arranged every time someone comments or hits the +1 button. It's impossible for me to read the news feed that way. I don't have time to scroll through the whole thing and check the new order to see if there's anything I missed.
Besides, there are AGAIN less people on there than there were the day before. Another person either decided he'd had enough, or he got bounced because he was using his initials as his first name and Google has been deleting people for that.
Not many people were on there, now there are less, even fewer people actually post anything, and even fewer still post anything they don't post at Facebook and LJ.
I think we're done here G+, you're service is of no use to me, and I dislike all your policies.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Polyamory Q & A: Question 2
You can still ask questions here, or in the comments section of this post.
Here we are at the second question, we're still sdoing questions I gathered from other places...
2. Aren’t you just being greedy having multiple girlfriends?
Yes, next question.
…
No! The question is flippant and the answer shall be as well!
Okay, I’ll answer for real. Greed is often brought up, and that might be part of it. It’s odd how many times I heard the phrase “But you have two girlfriends already” when I was flirting with someone (this was when I had two girlfriends btw) as if that was more than my fair share and what was I trying to do, cause a run on the market? It’s odd to me because… do you stop at three friends? Once you’ve got three buds, do you refuse to hang out with anyone new? No, because that’s silly. Well, it’s equally silly to me to just decide that I’m only going to love the one or possibly two people alone. I don’t see much of a difference between emotional and physical affection, which has caused problem s from time to time, but that’s another story. I love my cat too, and my parents, and I’ve got some friends who I care very deeply about. Those friends, I would categorize my feelings towards them as love.
Not passionate love, not romantic love, not friends with benefits love, but the sort of love that causes my heart to hurt when I see them in pain. I want to share their joy, diminish their pain, and be a part of their lives as much as I’m able. Now yes, some of these people I’m attracted to, but the situation isn’t possible or practicable so we keep it at friendship. But I would still call my feelings for them love, because that’s what it is. It would only take a small step, or a mutual level of attraction, or a change in situations, for us to gravitate towards a physical relationship and become lovers. Sometimes that happens, most times it doesn’t. However, I don’t need physical reaction to call my feelings love.
So no, not greedy, I just don’t confine my affection to a single entity. If I love someone, I want to love them fully. When those feelings are mutual, then things happen and a lover is added to the fold. The barrier between friend and lover is fuzzier for me, I suppose you could say. This is very much my own personal view, but then I can’t give you someone else’s view, ask them.
However, when you do, find a married person who is a parent. And then ask them if they love their spouse or their child. If they claim they love them both, I suggest you explain how that’s impossible. Since the greed issue claims I can’t really love more than one person. Also, how can you claim to have affection for corn chips when you’ve stated that love is a single point, zero sum game. Surely, if you love corn chips, then that’s less love for your partner, right? How can you even claim to like someone else, even a little, since that’s affection that should be spent on your partner? And you’re supposed to love them with ALL YOUR HEART! See? Once you start demanding I love someone with all my heart, when you make it an all or nothing event, you make it really easy to knock you down.
Greedy, please.
Here we are at the second question, we're still sdoing questions I gathered from other places...
2. Aren’t you just being greedy having multiple girlfriends?
Yes, next question.
…
No! The question is flippant and the answer shall be as well!
Okay, I’ll answer for real. Greed is often brought up, and that might be part of it. It’s odd how many times I heard the phrase “But you have two girlfriends already” when I was flirting with someone (this was when I had two girlfriends btw) as if that was more than my fair share and what was I trying to do, cause a run on the market? It’s odd to me because… do you stop at three friends? Once you’ve got three buds, do you refuse to hang out with anyone new? No, because that’s silly. Well, it’s equally silly to me to just decide that I’m only going to love the one or possibly two people alone. I don’t see much of a difference between emotional and physical affection, which has caused problem s from time to time, but that’s another story. I love my cat too, and my parents, and I’ve got some friends who I care very deeply about. Those friends, I would categorize my feelings towards them as love.
Not passionate love, not romantic love, not friends with benefits love, but the sort of love that causes my heart to hurt when I see them in pain. I want to share their joy, diminish their pain, and be a part of their lives as much as I’m able. Now yes, some of these people I’m attracted to, but the situation isn’t possible or practicable so we keep it at friendship. But I would still call my feelings for them love, because that’s what it is. It would only take a small step, or a mutual level of attraction, or a change in situations, for us to gravitate towards a physical relationship and become lovers. Sometimes that happens, most times it doesn’t. However, I don’t need physical reaction to call my feelings love.
So no, not greedy, I just don’t confine my affection to a single entity. If I love someone, I want to love them fully. When those feelings are mutual, then things happen and a lover is added to the fold. The barrier between friend and lover is fuzzier for me, I suppose you could say. This is very much my own personal view, but then I can’t give you someone else’s view, ask them.
However, when you do, find a married person who is a parent. And then ask them if they love their spouse or their child. If they claim they love them both, I suggest you explain how that’s impossible. Since the greed issue claims I can’t really love more than one person. Also, how can you claim to have affection for corn chips when you’ve stated that love is a single point, zero sum game. Surely, if you love corn chips, then that’s less love for your partner, right? How can you even claim to like someone else, even a little, since that’s affection that should be spent on your partner? And you’re supposed to love them with ALL YOUR HEART! See? Once you start demanding I love someone with all my heart, when you make it an all or nothing event, you make it really easy to knock you down.
Greedy, please.
Polyamory Q & A: Question 1
You can still ask questions here, or in the comments section of this post. Some of these answers will be longer than others, and not all of them where taken from readers. Plus, some of them will go off into tangents and I will be describing some hideous failures as well as successes. Be aware.
1. Isn’t it true that this is just a male fantasy vehicle? I mean, it’s mostly guys suggesting this, right?
Well, no. In my experience, it’s mostly women who suggest this sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s a success thing or what, but most the relationships where I asked who instigated or brought up the whole poly thing, most the time it comes down to a woman. Our own introduction to the idea as a defined thing came from someone who had the ulterior motive that if she got us into poly, she might be able to sleep with us. I’m not sure if it’s just the people I’ve talked to, because I have a few poly friends who I haven’t asked how they got started, but out of the ones I have asked, it’s been seven to one a woman introduced the idea.
Now, I’ll admit falling into it, but I’ll also admit that every time someone new has come along I’ve been the one to sit them down and explain the rules as it were. So I’m sort of the exception on this one? Of course, explaining rules and having rules isn’t enough. Clearly, you need to have regular meetings to make sure everyone understands the rules and that everyone’s understanding of the arrangement still agrees with everyone else’s understanding, otherwise you explode and spin out and almost die in a fiery crash that can be seen from space.
…
This happened to a friend of mine.
1. Isn’t it true that this is just a male fantasy vehicle? I mean, it’s mostly guys suggesting this, right?
Well, no. In my experience, it’s mostly women who suggest this sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s a success thing or what, but most the relationships where I asked who instigated or brought up the whole poly thing, most the time it comes down to a woman. Our own introduction to the idea as a defined thing came from someone who had the ulterior motive that if she got us into poly, she might be able to sleep with us. I’m not sure if it’s just the people I’ve talked to, because I have a few poly friends who I haven’t asked how they got started, but out of the ones I have asked, it’s been seven to one a woman introduced the idea.
Now, I’ll admit falling into it, but I’ll also admit that every time someone new has come along I’ve been the one to sit them down and explain the rules as it were. So I’m sort of the exception on this one? Of course, explaining rules and having rules isn’t enough. Clearly, you need to have regular meetings to make sure everyone understands the rules and that everyone’s understanding of the arrangement still agrees with everyone else’s understanding, otherwise you explode and spin out and almost die in a fiery crash that can be seen from space.
…
This happened to a friend of mine.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Careful with that word Mable, it’s loaded.
Rape Culture, as a phrase, is in a really dangerous place right now. See, it’s a really real thing that some people would like to pretend doesn’t exist, so they use any examples to ridicule and dismiss it. Sadly, some people lately are giving fuel to those who would like to destroy the discussion.
It’s in danger of going the way of Privilege, which can no longer be discussed because fuck the people who fucked that discussion up for the rest of us. No, I’m serious, we can no longer discuss privilege because some people decided to use it as a point of attack instead of as a point of understanding and they did it so well, and with no small amount of racist vitriol, that it has destroyed the topic for polite conversation. This post mentions several problems, all be it from a feminist standpoint, but the problems exist everywhere and those claims can just as easily be about race or religion or having your eggs over easy rather than scrambled.
The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Thirty-Nine)
The Return of Jack Collier
A Jack Collier Story
By Brett N. Lashuay
I arrived at the Piper house finding a fairly large gathering waiting for me. Piper, and King and even that nice Mister Quayle had come all the way from California to see me. That was nice. He’d managed to escape from prison, come across the country all for the pleasure of killing me. Nice to see the effort. It was a good thing to have so many familiar faces to welcome me. What was less encouraging was the bonfire they were building and putting a chair on top of. They hadn’t lit the flame yet, but it was clear that they were just waiting for someone to take the chair and for someone else to say the word and the whole thing would go up in flames.
As I drove up, four men approached the car and three more brought Alice and Debbie from the house. I pulled the car to a stop and stuck my hands in my pockets, where the silenced Rutthowers were waiting. Red walked towards me a smiled a wide smile in the failing light of dusk. I felt myself getting so angry, that I was actually too outraged to get visibly mad. I was so pissed that I felt calm and flippant.
“Where’s Jill?” He asked. “I thought you were going to bring her with you.”
“I called from the road.” I told him. “No time to go get her.”
“You should have brought her.” He smiled and I think he may have drooled a little.
“Maybe.” I said.
“No maybe about it.” Red suddenly roared. “I say bring a bitch, you bring me the bitch!”
“Don’t make trouble Jack!” Cindy came running from the house toward me, looking less thin, less bruised, but still very pathetic. “He’ll kill you.”
“This guy?” I asked. “Nah. Red King’s too much of a gentleman to kill me.”
“I wouldn’t be betting the farm on that one.” He said and then called over his shoulder, “Peter, get over here.”
And I will be damned if it wasn’t Peter Kurbisesser, formerly an employee of Collier Investigations, or whatever we call ourselves. I say former, because he was fired at the moment I saw him there. He gave me a sort of embarrassed look and then we both looked at Debbie, who would have cut him in half if her eyes actually had been the daggers she was trying to make them.
“How do you see this working Mister Kurbisesser?” I asked him.
“Put your arms up.” Kurbisesser told me. “I’m going to search you.
“Why didn’t you bring my daughter home?” Piper demanded as he walked up to our little group.
“Not now Piper.” King told him.
“He’s been fucking her!” Piper shouted with a sharply pointed finger. “She’s mine and he’s been fucking her!”
“Quiet Piper!” King shouted.
“You and your stupid son have ruined everything you dumb son of a bitch.” Piper shouted at King and then turned to me again. “What did you do with her? Hmm? Tell me! Have you ruined her?”
King had clearly had enough, because without another word he drew a big revolver from his hip and fired a single shot through Piper’s head. Blood exploded from his nose, mouth and the gaping hole that had replaced his forehead. The blood and splattered my face and shirt, but that didn’t worry me as I figured there would be more blood soon. Piper fell against me and I would have taken the opportunity to shoot king, but the damn gun caught on my coat pocket and I only managed to fire a silenced shot at his feet before someone hit me in the back of the head with what was probably a rifle stock but felt like a giant redwood. It didn’t take long after that to disarm me, even going to far as to take my knife and sap away from mean leaving me with nothing.
“You came loaded for bear today?” Quayle said as they laid my weapons out on the ground in front of me. “Is that a Welbey-Fosbery?”
“That’s promised to a lesbian.” I told him as I started to gain control of my voice. “The Marley isn’t being claimed at the moment though.”
“He just keeps talking, doesn’t he?” Quayle asked King.
“I find it moves the conversation along.” I told him.
“Let’s cliff him.” Quayle said.
“Good idea.” King said. “Let’s take them to the cliffs.”
“C’mon Collier.” Kurbisesser said, waving his gun at me. “Get in the car.”
We drove in a little convoy, rocking through the night, towards what they were calling The Cliffs. The Cliffs were nothing of the sort, nothing like what they have out west. Nothing like what we had to climb that night to get to those sons of bitches that… well, did what they did. It was just the end of a hill that was too steep to drive down. A lot of rocks and a few trees sat in the hillside. I suppose if you’d never seen real cliffs, this might look like a series of cliffs to you. We went to the tallest of the hills and all five SUVs stopped so we could all get out.
“Let me explain what’s going to happen.” Quayle said.
“Oh please do.” I said. “It’ll be the first explanation I’ve had in months.”
“Yeah.” Quayle said,
“Ooo, wait!” I shouted.
“What?”
“Could you say something like why not, what harm can it do?” I asked. “I’ve never actually had anyone say that to me.”
“Are you for real?” Quayle asked.
“Maybe, or I might be made up.” I told him. “I have problems knowing myself some days.”
“We’re going to throw you off that cliff.” Quayle said. “It’s a pretty steep drop, you’ll be dashed to pieces on the rocks.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, then what?”
“Then we take these girls back to the house and if you don’t tell me what I want to know before you go I will set your secretary on fire.”
“That big bonfire you were setting up?” I asked looking over the cliff, noticing one strong looking tree. “The one that looks like a sacrificial pyre?”
“Shut him up!” King demanded.
“You know Red.” I said turning to him. “If you didn’t blurt things so much, I would have a much harder time figuring out what was going on.”
“Huh.” Red said. “Toss him off.”
“No.” I said shaking my head. “I’ll make it better.”
“Pardon?” King asked.
“You tell me all that you expect to do tonight and I’ll jump.” I told him. “How’s that?”
“A woman needs to die by fire.” King said and Quayle actually put his face into his hand. To actually facepalm like that, right in front of me. This would be fun if I wasn’t so angry. “We kill the brunette by fire.”
“Debbie.” I said, trying not to sound annoyed. “Her name is Debbie.”
“The bitch dies by fire.” Red said. “Then we’re going to break little Cindy over there. After we break her, we’ll break your other bitch.”
“Alice.” I announced flatly. “If you don’t start calling them by their names I’ll put my gun in your mouth and blow the top of your head off.”
“Or you could tell us where Jill is.” King said.
“Huh.” I rolled my tongue around my mouth for a second and looked over the cliff. I then walked a few feet toward King, because I’d need the running room. “That’s the offer huh? I give Jill up to gang rape or I give Cindy up for gang rape?”
“They’re both going to be broken.” King said. “You can save your bitches.”
“But you need a woman to burn.” I shook my head after pretending to think about it. “No. I’m afraid I can’t trust you.”
“You can’t afford not to.” King said. “What choice do you have?”
“I can be a man of my word.” Two more steps and I’d be far enough for a good run. “I can tell you to go fuck yourself and be a man of my word.”
“What?”
“Well you did tell me your plans.” One and two, perfect. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do though. I’ll make you a deal.”
“What?”
“You give up now and I won’t eradicate all nine of you.”
“What?” Kurbisesser laughed suddenly. “You’re going to take on all of us?”
“I’ll warn you Mister Kurbisesser, if I jump off this cliff, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine and I’m going to be very angry when I come back. I will likely slam your head in a car door until your skull cracks.”
“You’re going to come back?” Kurbisesser laughed again, it was an unattractive sound. “As what? A cat? You’d need the extra lives.”
“I got a green mushroom earlier.” I told him. “Instant one up. Wait till I get the glowing flower, you’ll really be in trouble then. Set your ass on fire Quayle.”
“The fuck are you talking about?” Quayle asked, proving himself to be a cultural retard.
“You can still call this all off Red.” I offered.
“Throw him.”
“Oh no.” I said. “I’m a man of my word.”
“Are you?” He asked. “You’ll jump?”
“But I’ll come back and kill all of you.” I said.
“We’re going to rape your women before your blood is even cold.” Kurbisesser almost cackled.
“How you doing through all this Debs?” I asked. “You think they can beat me? We’re pretty fucked up right now, huh?”
“Forget it, Jack.” She said and I could see her wanting to cry. “It’s Michigan.”
How many times had I just forgotten it? Just let it go? Yes, this was in fact Michigan, but there comes a time god damn it. This time, something else was going to have to be done. This time, I wasn’t going to forget it. This time I was going to let Michigan know that I was not well pleased with its habit of throwing rocks at my head.
“Fuck no.” I said.
I turned and started to run, I leapt at the edge of the so-called cliff, letting the darkness engulf me. I hoped I was as good at this as I thought I was, other wise this landing was going to suck donkey balls. I would have to wait and see. In the meantime, I enjoyed the breeze as gravity grabbed hold of me and brought me toward the ground, and those lovely sharp rocks. It was actually sort of nice, the way the breeze flew past my ears, you might almost forget the rocks below and their promise not nearly instant enough death.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
And they asked, "So what's your problem with flowers anyway?"
For sometime now, I’ve had a public stance of being against the giving of flowers to pretty girls. My personal view is that A) they are transitory (they’ll be gone in a week) and B) they don’t show any real thought. I’ve also got the basic problem that they’re cliché, but all artists complain like that if something has been done more than twice and flowers have been done more than twice. Now, this doesn’t mean I never buy flowers for a girl. I have done so several times, but the effect is heightened because when I do it, it proves that I did some thinking, went through my bag of tricks and decided that as Hardison said, you can’t hack a classic.
Speaking as an artist, my specialty is packages. Providing not one gift, but five. A little surprise package, with a continuing run of surprises. Sometimes, there’s even a cute little instruction sheet explaining the uses and reasons for each item. The result is a gift meant only for one, and a more impressed girl who knows that real thought went into this. And I still spend less than a dozen roses cost, even with shipping. I’ll give an example, I once sent someone a bad day kit. The bad day kit included (if I’m remembering correctly) a CD of music, a bag of candy, a comically small teddy bear and… oh I’m sure there were some other things. This was years ago now and I can’t remember every damn thing. However, I’m sure the girl (or girls because I’ve used the kit more than once) can chime in down in the comments section and tell you what was in theirs. It’s a memorable gift and always gets a good reaction. Now granted, once the candy is eaten a major part of the gift is gone, but you still end up with more than just a pack of dead flowers that you thrown away with no memorabilia besides an odd smell.
Okay, so maybe you don’t want to produce an entire package, sometime you just want to give on gift. I know people aren’t always ready for a huge collection of surprises. Sometimes you don’t want to deliver a blast of fun, sometimes you want a little something. Better yet, sometimes you want something that can sit on her desk at work. You like things to sit on desks at work because someone might ask about them and she can go “Oh that? Yeah, someone thinks I’m really special and gave me that today.” There is something to be said for making your girl the prettiest little princess in the office pool. HOWEVER! Flowers have been done my friend and there is a world outside that flowery box. I once had the idea to send a bag of flour to a girl, but I never went through with it. That would have been awesome though, flour instead of flowers. It would have totally gotten me laid when I thought of it in 1993, because conceptual jokes like that were huge at the time. The problem is, that’s a pun and we here at Fancy Industries are above puns.
So what do you do? You can have things delivered, but what? Well, that depends on the girl. Or perhaps it depends on the guy. Maybe you’re a girl/gay man who wants to give her/his boyfriend a nice something. It’s not my place to assign gender roles, particularly when I live in a world where no one ever sends me flowers EVER! I once got flowers on my birthday. ONCE! No one ever sends ME presents at work. I’m not disappointed or hurt, I’m just terribly, terribly angry. I’m not prepared to get into a big talk about gender politics so if you want to discuss that, go talk about it somewhere else. Today, we’re talking about guys giving gifts to girls and my problems with flowers. We’ll talk gender relations later. Right now, I’ve got other things on my mind.
So you want to send just one gift, one quick thing, right? Okay, here’s my suggestion to you, pay attention to her likes and dislikes. I’m fully aware that sounds like dipshit advice. That sounds like we should be sitting on the floor with our legs crossed, but I promise you this isn’t kindergarten. It’s just… that’s the sort of thing people forget when buying a quick gift. That’s why flowers are so much of a staple, it’s something girls are supposed to like, which I guess is another problem for me. It’s like, after that you might as well buy a unicorn poster or possibly some kind of ring with a big rock on it. Also, get her a kitchen and steal her shoes because your mentality is already in the 14th century and there are precious few dragons to kill these days. It just shows no thought whatsoever beyond “Dur… thing with boobs like pretty stuff” and I am against that sort of non-thinking in all its forms. Also, damn, I just nearly made flowers part of the rape culture. Good thing I deleted the sentence where I was going to the logical place after the kitchen comment. One must check and see if flowers are the best gift, or would something more personalized (or at least specific beyond kindergarten-level basic gender roles) go down a little better.
Examples help, so here is one. About a year ago, Syd was having a couple of bad days, so I girded my loins and decided to make her lunch. I had to go to the store to get some lunch things for her, and it was late, so I went to Meijer, which if you're from the wrong part of the world, is a 24 hour market/superstore. One of the things that Meijer has is a toy isle. I walked down it, just looking to see what I could see, and I saw this guy here
. At least, I think that’s the one, I’ve never seen it since I pulled my trick. See, I put the toy at the bottom of the bag and piled her food on top so that it wouldn’t be obvious until she got her lunch out and ate it. She really liked Iron Man, and was mega enthusiastic about the whole thing last year, so she really liked the thing. It’s still at her desk at work, presumably protecting her reproduction of a Chac-Mool statue she also has on her desk. So I gave her a happy meal, that’s what it amounts to, and she was happy and the item is still on her desk reminding her of it. So that worked better in that situation.
Now we’re getting to the place I really want to take us. If you’ve skimmed most of this, start reading now. There are subtle hints a girl will give you, if you listen for them, that will give you an idea of what gifts are going to go down well. She will say things like “I’ve always loved Moby Dick, but my copy is really beat to shit. I’d love a hard cover version, but it’s expensive.” Now, it’s not usually appropriate to run to your computer and order a copy right there and then, but you can squirrel that idea away for the next gift giving opportunity. Or perhaps she’ll mention a lifelong love for unicorns, but never (EVER) rainbow colored unicorns. Ah, now you have a go to idea for a gift. You just look for unicorns that don’t have rainbows for manes and tails. That’s harder than it sounds and sometimes you have to guy your nephew a dinosaur to cover up the fact that you also bought a couple of unicorns for her birthday and then forget you bought her those unicorns until like two weeks after her birthday and only find them on your own birthday and decide, fuck it, and give them to her on your birthday because what the hell, right? This happened to a friend of mine.
There are places where flowers are a good idea. Those places are only reachable through researching the recipient’s likes and dislikes, which is always a requirement for me anyway. What I’m saying is that I don’t do flowers for an opening salvo, I go for something else. It might seem like a little thing, but I don’t think so.
Next time, we’ll talk about reversing gender policies and you girls can send me a gift at work once in a while, ‘kay? The patriarchy won’t destroy itself you know.
Speaking as an artist, my specialty is packages. Providing not one gift, but five. A little surprise package, with a continuing run of surprises. Sometimes, there’s even a cute little instruction sheet explaining the uses and reasons for each item. The result is a gift meant only for one, and a more impressed girl who knows that real thought went into this. And I still spend less than a dozen roses cost, even with shipping. I’ll give an example, I once sent someone a bad day kit. The bad day kit included (if I’m remembering correctly) a CD of music, a bag of candy, a comically small teddy bear and… oh I’m sure there were some other things. This was years ago now and I can’t remember every damn thing. However, I’m sure the girl (or girls because I’ve used the kit more than once) can chime in down in the comments section and tell you what was in theirs. It’s a memorable gift and always gets a good reaction. Now granted, once the candy is eaten a major part of the gift is gone, but you still end up with more than just a pack of dead flowers that you thrown away with no memorabilia besides an odd smell.
Okay, so maybe you don’t want to produce an entire package, sometime you just want to give on gift. I know people aren’t always ready for a huge collection of surprises. Sometimes you don’t want to deliver a blast of fun, sometimes you want a little something. Better yet, sometimes you want something that can sit on her desk at work. You like things to sit on desks at work because someone might ask about them and she can go “Oh that? Yeah, someone thinks I’m really special and gave me that today.” There is something to be said for making your girl the prettiest little princess in the office pool. HOWEVER! Flowers have been done my friend and there is a world outside that flowery box. I once had the idea to send a bag of flour to a girl, but I never went through with it. That would have been awesome though, flour instead of flowers. It would have totally gotten me laid when I thought of it in 1993, because conceptual jokes like that were huge at the time. The problem is, that’s a pun and we here at Fancy Industries are above puns.
So what do you do? You can have things delivered, but what? Well, that depends on the girl. Or perhaps it depends on the guy. Maybe you’re a girl/gay man who wants to give her/his boyfriend a nice something. It’s not my place to assign gender roles, particularly when I live in a world where no one ever sends me flowers EVER! I once got flowers on my birthday. ONCE! No one ever sends ME presents at work. I’m not disappointed or hurt, I’m just terribly, terribly angry. I’m not prepared to get into a big talk about gender politics so if you want to discuss that, go talk about it somewhere else. Today, we’re talking about guys giving gifts to girls and my problems with flowers. We’ll talk gender relations later. Right now, I’ve got other things on my mind.
So you want to send just one gift, one quick thing, right? Okay, here’s my suggestion to you, pay attention to her likes and dislikes. I’m fully aware that sounds like dipshit advice. That sounds like we should be sitting on the floor with our legs crossed, but I promise you this isn’t kindergarten. It’s just… that’s the sort of thing people forget when buying a quick gift. That’s why flowers are so much of a staple, it’s something girls are supposed to like, which I guess is another problem for me. It’s like, after that you might as well buy a unicorn poster or possibly some kind of ring with a big rock on it. Also, get her a kitchen and steal her shoes because your mentality is already in the 14th century and there are precious few dragons to kill these days. It just shows no thought whatsoever beyond “Dur… thing with boobs like pretty stuff” and I am against that sort of non-thinking in all its forms. Also, damn, I just nearly made flowers part of the rape culture. Good thing I deleted the sentence where I was going to the logical place after the kitchen comment. One must check and see if flowers are the best gift, or would something more personalized (or at least specific beyond kindergarten-level basic gender roles) go down a little better.
Examples help, so here is one. About a year ago, Syd was having a couple of bad days, so I girded my loins and decided to make her lunch. I had to go to the store to get some lunch things for her, and it was late, so I went to Meijer, which if you're from the wrong part of the world, is a 24 hour market/superstore. One of the things that Meijer has is a toy isle. I walked down it, just looking to see what I could see, and I saw this guy here
. At least, I think that’s the one, I’ve never seen it since I pulled my trick. See, I put the toy at the bottom of the bag and piled her food on top so that it wouldn’t be obvious until she got her lunch out and ate it. She really liked Iron Man, and was mega enthusiastic about the whole thing last year, so she really liked the thing. It’s still at her desk at work, presumably protecting her reproduction of a Chac-Mool statue she also has on her desk. So I gave her a happy meal, that’s what it amounts to, and she was happy and the item is still on her desk reminding her of it. So that worked better in that situation. Now we’re getting to the place I really want to take us. If you’ve skimmed most of this, start reading now. There are subtle hints a girl will give you, if you listen for them, that will give you an idea of what gifts are going to go down well. She will say things like “I’ve always loved Moby Dick, but my copy is really beat to shit. I’d love a hard cover version, but it’s expensive.” Now, it’s not usually appropriate to run to your computer and order a copy right there and then, but you can squirrel that idea away for the next gift giving opportunity. Or perhaps she’ll mention a lifelong love for unicorns, but never (EVER) rainbow colored unicorns. Ah, now you have a go to idea for a gift. You just look for unicorns that don’t have rainbows for manes and tails. That’s harder than it sounds and sometimes you have to guy your nephew a dinosaur to cover up the fact that you also bought a couple of unicorns for her birthday and then forget you bought her those unicorns until like two weeks after her birthday and only find them on your own birthday and decide, fuck it, and give them to her on your birthday because what the hell, right? This happened to a friend of mine.
There are places where flowers are a good idea. Those places are only reachable through researching the recipient’s likes and dislikes, which is always a requirement for me anyway. What I’m saying is that I don’t do flowers for an opening salvo, I go for something else. It might seem like a little thing, but I don’t think so.
Next time, we’ll talk about reversing gender policies and you girls can send me a gift at work once in a while, ‘kay? The patriarchy won’t destroy itself you know.
The New Thundercats show sucks
Syd thought I should watch the New Thundercats show, so she showed it to me. Some of you can probably see the error in her ways already.
I didn't like the first two episodes of the new Thundercats. It was one of the most Tropetastic pieces of shit I've seen in years. I mean look at that TV Tropes page. Look how long it is, there have only been like 6 episodes so far and it's longer than the original series' page! There was not a word, idea, or concept that we hadn't seen a million times before. It was like they heard about the Hero's Journey but didn't even bother to read the wikipedia page on it. I was seriously sitting there shouting at the screen after a while... "I'd only slow you down? Really?" and second later "I'm not ready? Did he just say, I'm not ready! Holy fuck! Is there a single word in this thing that's original?"
And then episode 3 was Moby Dick (complete with lines from the book) and after bitching my way through that episode Syd decided I was a lost cause and went to bed. I didn't watch anymore after that, I think I've probably had enough. When Highlander the Animated Series has more originality (and more memorable music) then your show is fucked.
While I'm here though...
If I may ask, where were the guards for Heir Apparent Lion-O when he was getting in fights in the first episode? He's the next king and people are getting ready to kill him and only Tygra gets in the way? The fuck? I don't care if he was unpopular, that shit just don't fly. And why the fuck doesn't Snarf talk? Snarf was the lynchpin of that show. He was the one who watched over Lion-o and made sure he did the right thing. Without Snarf the show is lost! And if one of you mother fuckers compares him to Orko I will slap the taste outta yer mouth. Orko was a trouble causing twerp, Snarf was the guiding light of that show and I will NOT have you comparing him to Oroko!
I didn't like the first two episodes of the new Thundercats. It was one of the most Tropetastic pieces of shit I've seen in years. I mean look at that TV Tropes page. Look how long it is, there have only been like 6 episodes so far and it's longer than the original series' page! There was not a word, idea, or concept that we hadn't seen a million times before. It was like they heard about the Hero's Journey but didn't even bother to read the wikipedia page on it. I was seriously sitting there shouting at the screen after a while... "I'd only slow you down? Really?" and second later "I'm not ready? Did he just say, I'm not ready! Holy fuck! Is there a single word in this thing that's original?"
And then episode 3 was Moby Dick (complete with lines from the book) and after bitching my way through that episode Syd decided I was a lost cause and went to bed. I didn't watch anymore after that, I think I've probably had enough. When Highlander the Animated Series has more originality (and more memorable music) then your show is fucked.
While I'm here though...
If I may ask, where were the guards for Heir Apparent Lion-O when he was getting in fights in the first episode? He's the next king and people are getting ready to kill him and only Tygra gets in the way? The fuck? I don't care if he was unpopular, that shit just don't fly. And why the fuck doesn't Snarf talk? Snarf was the lynchpin of that show. He was the one who watched over Lion-o and made sure he did the right thing. Without Snarf the show is lost! And if one of you mother fuckers compares him to Orko I will slap the taste outta yer mouth. Orko was a trouble causing twerp, Snarf was the guiding light of that show and I will NOT have you comparing him to Oroko!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Geeky Girls" Are Also "Just Plain Girls"
I’d like to talk to you for a moment about women. Now, I’m going to say some things, horrible things, stereotypical things, and worst of all, true things. I’m going to cast my net wide and give my brush board strokes and I’ll probably batten down my hatches or seize my mizenmast or some other bullshit. The metaphors WILL NOT STOP! Not everything I’m about to say is going to apply to every girl, or every boy. However, as far as rough sketches of convenient thumbnails go, I’m going to be laser precise and probably do… something like something else that’s really spot-on… with a razor or something. I’m also going to say girl instead of woman, but I’ll also say boy instead of man so you can deal with the fact that I’m infantilizing everyone.
Most people say that Geek Girls are just like geeks, only better because they're also girls. I have a different view. I say they're girls, but they're also geeks, which can be more problematic. I know this is one of those word swap things that generally annoys me, but here's the thing, I always see it as “Oh yeah, and you don’t need to buy her flowers, you can just get her the latest WoW booster deck!” in those lists about dating Geeks Girls, proving how much the writer knows about WoW and women. See, all girls like to get some flowers or the equivalent now and then. Something that shows you love and adore her, something that she can put on her desk to silently announce that she is, in fact the prettiest princess for the day. What I’m saying is that she needs to be able to show everyone else you love her too. Geek or not, you need to show and prove. You bitches ain’t never gonna get out of needing to learn some poetry if you want to score.
See, your basic geek girl is a girl first, right? Before she knew about Trek Wars or Dr. Firefly or Buffy the True Blood Slayer or whatever it is you dweebs watch (I wouldn’t know) she was a normal girl with a love of horses and pink dresses. Even today, they’ve all got a horse poster or vampire book stashed away somewhere. You’re geeky girl is a girl first, and possibly a woman, but I wouldn’t know about that. She worries about her weight, and if her hair looks nice and about how will she ever give the patriarchy what for if she worries about her weight and her hair and so on. And then, on top of that basic girlness, there is this level of geekiness. The awkwardness, the social anxiety (made worse because their bullies would be other girls who are almost exclusively mental torturers), the forgetting that not everyone knows the name of every character on the screen in any given Star Wars movie because they had all the toys and kept them catalogued until the age of 17. I never did that, I just remembered their names, fuck cataloguing. This is why I’ll never be one of you, I can pass for human so easily, I might actually be one.
One of my problems with the whole Geeks who are also Girls thing is that it ignores the fact that these girls are in fact girls. In the minds of these people, it makes them boy geeks with tits and a different approach to hygiene, rather than actual girls who have a different approach to hygiene because that’s something girls do. Too many times, the ‘man with tits’ thing rears its head and I really hate that because it neglects the feminine side of the person… which is the bit I like. I’ve always despised when someone just tries to break a person down to what amounts to a male stereotype of something and then does a sprite swap and expects us to get excited because now it’s a girl. You can’t just say “And it’s also a girl” because I’m going to sit there and go “SHE! She is also a girl… or even better yet, a person.”
Now, the important thing to remember is that none of this is theory. Most the friends I had in school were either queer, or they were geeks. Some of them turned out to be queer geeks, which surprised absolutely none of us, but that’s not important right now. For about ten years I dated two completely different kinds of geeky girls, at the same time which meant I was able to compare and contrast their attitudes. While they both showed signs of being typical women, they were also typical geeks of their particular geek caliber. Not all the stereotypes fit, but they both showed enough signs of being just plain girls that they could walk among the general population and on the other hand one of them would occasionally snort when she laughed, so… you know… snorting when they laugh. So yeah, I know the geeky girl and I can be relied upon as an expert witness in a court of law should this extraordinarily specific expertise ever actually be needed by an attorney.
My personal understanding of feminism is that, at its heart, it desires equality but not actually sameness. Sameness would be impossible anyway since our brains don’t work anything like the same. As we must remain separate, we try for equality, but without sacrificing any of the intrinsic things that make us what we are. No amount of knowing that rape culture is a real thing and understanding the mechanics of fear that goes with being a female in this world is going to make me not want to watch a pretty girl as she walks by. I can adjust my behavior, but looking is right on my DNA next to swearing with an increasingly colorful and expansive vocabulary as the day goes on. My point is that we cannot simply say that a geek girl is a geek who also is… you know a girl, but rather a girl with all the positive and negative traits of womanhood and also a geek, with all the good and bad that goes with that as well.
Also, WoW booster deck? Really? And the only other solution to that problem was flowers? I need to hold a fucking class or something. You motherfuckers need to learn the fine art of invention. Jesus Christ in cream sauce, at least mix it up with a balloon or a teddy bear or something. I’ll still think you’re a common as mud, but I’ll at least respect you for being mud with a leaf ground into it or something.
Most people say that Geek Girls are just like geeks, only better because they're also girls. I have a different view. I say they're girls, but they're also geeks, which can be more problematic. I know this is one of those word swap things that generally annoys me, but here's the thing, I always see it as “Oh yeah, and you don’t need to buy her flowers, you can just get her the latest WoW booster deck!” in those lists about dating Geeks Girls, proving how much the writer knows about WoW and women. See, all girls like to get some flowers or the equivalent now and then. Something that shows you love and adore her, something that she can put on her desk to silently announce that she is, in fact the prettiest princess for the day. What I’m saying is that she needs to be able to show everyone else you love her too. Geek or not, you need to show and prove. You bitches ain’t never gonna get out of needing to learn some poetry if you want to score.
See, your basic geek girl is a girl first, right? Before she knew about Trek Wars or Dr. Firefly or Buffy the True Blood Slayer or whatever it is you dweebs watch (I wouldn’t know) she was a normal girl with a love of horses and pink dresses. Even today, they’ve all got a horse poster or vampire book stashed away somewhere. You’re geeky girl is a girl first, and possibly a woman, but I wouldn’t know about that. She worries about her weight, and if her hair looks nice and about how will she ever give the patriarchy what for if she worries about her weight and her hair and so on. And then, on top of that basic girlness, there is this level of geekiness. The awkwardness, the social anxiety (made worse because their bullies would be other girls who are almost exclusively mental torturers), the forgetting that not everyone knows the name of every character on the screen in any given Star Wars movie because they had all the toys and kept them catalogued until the age of 17. I never did that, I just remembered their names, fuck cataloguing. This is why I’ll never be one of you, I can pass for human so easily, I might actually be one.
One of my problems with the whole Geeks who are also Girls thing is that it ignores the fact that these girls are in fact girls. In the minds of these people, it makes them boy geeks with tits and a different approach to hygiene, rather than actual girls who have a different approach to hygiene because that’s something girls do. Too many times, the ‘man with tits’ thing rears its head and I really hate that because it neglects the feminine side of the person… which is the bit I like. I’ve always despised when someone just tries to break a person down to what amounts to a male stereotype of something and then does a sprite swap and expects us to get excited because now it’s a girl. You can’t just say “And it’s also a girl” because I’m going to sit there and go “SHE! She is also a girl… or even better yet, a person.”
Now, the important thing to remember is that none of this is theory. Most the friends I had in school were either queer, or they were geeks. Some of them turned out to be queer geeks, which surprised absolutely none of us, but that’s not important right now. For about ten years I dated two completely different kinds of geeky girls, at the same time which meant I was able to compare and contrast their attitudes. While they both showed signs of being typical women, they were also typical geeks of their particular geek caliber. Not all the stereotypes fit, but they both showed enough signs of being just plain girls that they could walk among the general population and on the other hand one of them would occasionally snort when she laughed, so… you know… snorting when they laugh. So yeah, I know the geeky girl and I can be relied upon as an expert witness in a court of law should this extraordinarily specific expertise ever actually be needed by an attorney.
My personal understanding of feminism is that, at its heart, it desires equality but not actually sameness. Sameness would be impossible anyway since our brains don’t work anything like the same. As we must remain separate, we try for equality, but without sacrificing any of the intrinsic things that make us what we are. No amount of knowing that rape culture is a real thing and understanding the mechanics of fear that goes with being a female in this world is going to make me not want to watch a pretty girl as she walks by. I can adjust my behavior, but looking is right on my DNA next to swearing with an increasingly colorful and expansive vocabulary as the day goes on. My point is that we cannot simply say that a geek girl is a geek who also is… you know a girl, but rather a girl with all the positive and negative traits of womanhood and also a geek, with all the good and bad that goes with that as well.
Also, WoW booster deck? Really? And the only other solution to that problem was flowers? I need to hold a fucking class or something. You motherfuckers need to learn the fine art of invention. Jesus Christ in cream sauce, at least mix it up with a balloon or a teddy bear or something. I’ll still think you’re a common as mud, but I’ll at least respect you for being mud with a leaf ground into it or something.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Remove the fantasy and get a new tale
If you remove the fantastic or supernatural elements from a lot of stories (or merely discount them) they really sound much different.
Sleepy Hollow is the story of a “Nice Guy” school teacher who is after a girl for her money, but is shown the door by her inventive boyfriend.
Dracula is the story of a racist and his friends hounding a foreigner out of town, then chasing him home and murdering him, and all for the crime of macking on the local ladies.
Most of Stephen King’s stories just become “People in Maine are dicks” without the magic.
Tell Tale Heart is just a guy who kills his roomie and feels guilty about it. Although, that story has an unreliable narrator, so that could be all that’s going on anyway.
Big Trouble in Little China becomes ‘An idiot and his friends murder a prominent Chinese-American business man’ under these rules.
And without fantastic elements, Star Trek the Motion Picture is just a long 2 hour slog of watching the crew staring at a view screen. HEY! Wait a second…
Sleepy Hollow is the story of a “Nice Guy” school teacher who is after a girl for her money, but is shown the door by her inventive boyfriend.
Dracula is the story of a racist and his friends hounding a foreigner out of town, then chasing him home and murdering him, and all for the crime of macking on the local ladies.
Most of Stephen King’s stories just become “People in Maine are dicks” without the magic.
Tell Tale Heart is just a guy who kills his roomie and feels guilty about it. Although, that story has an unreliable narrator, so that could be all that’s going on anyway.
Big Trouble in Little China becomes ‘An idiot and his friends murder a prominent Chinese-American business man’ under these rules.
And without fantastic elements, Star Trek the Motion Picture is just a long 2 hour slog of watching the crew staring at a view screen. HEY! Wait a second…
Friday, August 19, 2011
I make good nachos
I make some pretty good nachos.
Easy to do, my nachos.
Put refried bans on the bottom of a container, then some salsa, get fresh salsa if you can. Salsa goes on top of the beans.
Cook some hamburger/ground pork and cook it with an onion and a can of tomatoes (or possibly some picante sauce) put the hamburger on the salsa.
Then get some Queso and put that on top.
Put that in a 400-degree oven, unless your working in Celsius in which case you aren't allowed nachos. You need to let it sit for about 10 minutes, really just long enough to get warm, not really hot.
While this concoction is heating, slice green onions or chives and get some sour cream. Also, if you haven't got some tortilla chips I'm very disappointed in you right now.
When the food is heated, take it out of the oven and sprinkle some shredded cheese on it, then go at it with the green stuff.
To serve, spoon out into a bowl and each with chips. If you hate corn chips, and America, you can eat with a spoon.
Easy to do, my nachos.
Put refried bans on the bottom of a container, then some salsa, get fresh salsa if you can. Salsa goes on top of the beans.
Cook some hamburger/ground pork and cook it with an onion and a can of tomatoes (or possibly some picante sauce) put the hamburger on the salsa.
Then get some Queso and put that on top.
Put that in a 400-degree oven, unless your working in Celsius in which case you aren't allowed nachos. You need to let it sit for about 10 minutes, really just long enough to get warm, not really hot.
While this concoction is heating, slice green onions or chives and get some sour cream. Also, if you haven't got some tortilla chips I'm very disappointed in you right now.
When the food is heated, take it out of the oven and sprinkle some shredded cheese on it, then go at it with the green stuff.
To serve, spoon out into a bowl and each with chips. If you hate corn chips, and America, you can eat with a spoon.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I may just leave Google+ soon.
“Go fuck your mother, you unyielding cunt-faced whoremonger!”
--Oscar Wilde
You know, I’m really starting to think it would be easier to just walk away from Google+ and not bother with them at all. I’ve heard of a few people getting completely locked out of everything Google related when G+ suspended their account to want to go on with this. I’ve got my e-mail, a carbon copy of my blogs, and one or two other things… do I want to loose them because some asshole at Google decided he’s going to make an example of anyone they think has a fake name? Fake names like William Shatner, who got his account suspended because that's obviously not a real name.
How many people lost their e-mail, pictures, blogs and everything else? Wrong way to phrase the question. If just one did, or even if I’m lead to believe one did, that’s too many. The PR blunder of letting the “If you use G+, they will take away everything Google form you” rumor get started is going fuck their little social network to death before it leaves beta. It’s a stupid policy and demanding we go along with it just ain’t helping.
No, sorry, I don’t want to play their game. At this point, their insistence just makes me want to dig in my heels and remain stubborn. I didn’t want to sign up for this in the first place, I never wanted to come here, and now they’re giving me a very good reason to leave.
I know I’m not really anonymous on the internet, but that’s hardly the point. The name I’m using on G+ is the name THEY SUGGESTED I use and now I’m worried I’ll loose my ability to do anything on any of their networks if I don’t fall into line. That makes me want to say “Fuck Google” and leave them entirely. I don’t HAVE to use G+. To be honest, there isn’t much there. The people I have, are mostly on Facebook or LJ or Twitter. Not many people I’m friends with have joined, and even fewer are actually posting anything like exclusive content. One or two people are, but that’s hardly enough to warrant me bowing my head to their bullying tactics. There is no real reason for me to go there, and I can use other services for anything they’re doing. I don’t really want to, because it’s a hassle to change you’re e-mail and tell everyone and make sure they update their records and all the other things that would have to be done are also a pain.
But I now fear I may have to, and that makes me an annoyed user. Just a little hint, from me to you Google, paranoia does not a happy user base make. People will go where they think they can be happy, where they can be themselves, if you insist on them using their real life names… we have Facebook for all our ‘pretending to be who people think you are’ needs. People need a place to be themselves, and often they need a different name than the one they were born under to do that.
To be completely honest with you, it’s making me rethink using anything Google for any reason what-so-ever. I don’t want to do business with bullying douchebags. This Google+ place isn’t fun and being part of it has not been a positive experience. I won’t delete just yet, but I suddenly vanish from there, I’m allowed to be Grey Weirdo everywhere else without threat of banishment.
--Oscar Wilde
You know, I’m really starting to think it would be easier to just walk away from Google+ and not bother with them at all. I’ve heard of a few people getting completely locked out of everything Google related when G+ suspended their account to want to go on with this. I’ve got my e-mail, a carbon copy of my blogs, and one or two other things… do I want to loose them because some asshole at Google decided he’s going to make an example of anyone they think has a fake name? Fake names like William Shatner, who got his account suspended because that's obviously not a real name.
How many people lost their e-mail, pictures, blogs and everything else? Wrong way to phrase the question. If just one did, or even if I’m lead to believe one did, that’s too many. The PR blunder of letting the “If you use G+, they will take away everything Google form you” rumor get started is going fuck their little social network to death before it leaves beta. It’s a stupid policy and demanding we go along with it just ain’t helping.
No, sorry, I don’t want to play their game. At this point, their insistence just makes me want to dig in my heels and remain stubborn. I didn’t want to sign up for this in the first place, I never wanted to come here, and now they’re giving me a very good reason to leave.
I know I’m not really anonymous on the internet, but that’s hardly the point. The name I’m using on G+ is the name THEY SUGGESTED I use and now I’m worried I’ll loose my ability to do anything on any of their networks if I don’t fall into line. That makes me want to say “Fuck Google” and leave them entirely. I don’t HAVE to use G+. To be honest, there isn’t much there. The people I have, are mostly on Facebook or LJ or Twitter. Not many people I’m friends with have joined, and even fewer are actually posting anything like exclusive content. One or two people are, but that’s hardly enough to warrant me bowing my head to their bullying tactics. There is no real reason for me to go there, and I can use other services for anything they’re doing. I don’t really want to, because it’s a hassle to change you’re e-mail and tell everyone and make sure they update their records and all the other things that would have to be done are also a pain.
But I now fear I may have to, and that makes me an annoyed user. Just a little hint, from me to you Google, paranoia does not a happy user base make. People will go where they think they can be happy, where they can be themselves, if you insist on them using their real life names… we have Facebook for all our ‘pretending to be who people think you are’ needs. People need a place to be themselves, and often they need a different name than the one they were born under to do that.
To be completely honest with you, it’s making me rethink using anything Google for any reason what-so-ever. I don’t want to do business with bullying douchebags. This Google+ place isn’t fun and being part of it has not been a positive experience. I won’t delete just yet, but I suddenly vanish from there, I’m allowed to be Grey Weirdo everywhere else without threat of banishment.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Movie night
Last night we watched The Forbidden Kingdom, as those of you who read my twitter feed well know. As a movie, it had several problems, not least of which was that the movie turned to utter and complete bullshit within 5 minutes when a simple smash and grab turned into an attempted murder and while people were shocked by this, they didn't seem to be really actually bothered or anything. It had plot convenience written all over it in big letters. The music was the only kind of music they have in China according to Hollywood, except when some rock would suddenly sneak in for no good reason.
At the beginning of the movie, I commented that the opening was very much like The Neverending Story, only with a staff instead of a book. That set off a string of lines from other, better movies. Every time we recognized where something was lifted from, we mentioned a line from that scene. So some parts of the movie were drowned out with "I am not left handed" and "FALCOOOOORE!" and of course at the end there was "Give the wookie a medal!"
Jackie Chan and Jet Li were okay together, but it was just a shame that they didn't have a better movie to finally share screen time. Also a shame that their kung-fu work wasn't terribly inspired.
The movie could have been almost okay, but it suffered from a sever case of "What this situation needs is a white guy" syndrome. Even that could have been okay if the white guy in question wasn't so entirely pointless. The actor wasn't very interesting, he's just the guy you get when Shia Labeouf is busy ruining Transformers movies, and worse he wasn't given a hell of a lot to do by this uninspired script.
It wasn't really a terrible movie, just not a good one. All the good bits are lifted from other movies, which only served to remind me how much better those movies are.
As a palate cleanser, we watched The Importance of Being Earnest, which we enjoyed more. I like Oscar Wilde, but I always kind of hate myself for laughing at his jokes. Too many one liners, too many zingers, not enough actual built up comedy. However, as I wish to be just like Lady Bracknell when I grow up, I forgive everything.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My Art Instillation
I was asked if I could produce a display, for back to school. I could produce a display, and in less than an hour, I decided. Had I more time for planning, I could have made my idea more concrete, but I didn’t. Instead I simply set to work. I had this idea, about an abattoir. I saw a drawing of one once, a woodcut actually, where all the bits had been fastened to the walls and the better organs had been hung along with the carcass. Hanging meat improves the flavor, something we sadly don’t have time for in these days.
My thought was that back packs were like animals, and the pens and binders and such were like those useless organs on the wall of that woodcut. It all came together when I hung things to dry with paperclips. Perhaps a vivisection of the backpacks is more accurate. However, I’ve all ready used the word abattoir and I’m not going back to something simple like “dissection” again.
All people said was “It looks great.” And “It’s neat, I like it.”
Ah well. See if you don’t see it.
The Return of Jack Collier (Chapter Thirty-Eight)
The Return of Jack Collier
A Jack Collier Story
By Brett N. Lashuay
Wednesday was Karen’s late day. On Wednesday, she would be at the office until nine, so I decided to give her a call on the off chance she would answer the phone herself. I dialed and wondered what would happen if someone else answered it. I decide I didn’t much care because I was going to fuck some bitch’s shit up no matter what. The world was going to have to learn that you don’t fuck with a bad motherfucker cause this motherfucker fucks back. Karen did answer herself, giving a route formula.
“Hi.” I said to her. “Have you got time for a last minute appointment?”
“I’m not sure Mister Jones.” She said and started speaking in code so well that I guessed Debbie must have taught her. “There are two others ahead of you today.”
“Just two?” I asked.
“That’s right.” She said. “I could probably stay a little later if this is an emergency.”
“I’ll be there in an hour.” I said. “You just hold on and it’ll all be okay in a few hours.”
“Okay.” She said. “I’ll see you at nine then.”
I slammed the phone down, grabbed the guns and rushed to my grandmother’s Skylark, and let me tell you that’s a lot less sexy to say than ‘My Hudson Super Six’ is. Still though, it had a bit of pick up and I was able to get to Ypsi in the hour I’d promised. I decided to grab the leather persuader out of my back pocket, palming it in my right hand as I got out of the car. There is no mini pocket on the right, so I had to actually hold the dumb thing. That was okay though, because the guy watching the door was an idiot.
People who follow people think the key is to never look at the person you’re following, or at least never let your target know you’re looking. As a result, if you look for the person who never looks at you, you’ll know who’s following you. The thing is, if you’re standing outside of a building, and you see someone approach, the natural response is too look at them. Maybe not watch them, but to at least glance, have a look. This guy just kept looking at the robins congregating on the lawn, planning world domination or whatever it is robins do when they’re together. He didn’t look at me as I walked straight toward him, and the door I suppose. He didn’t even look when my right hand came up and I back handed him across the side of the head with the sap.
His consciousness attended to, I relieved him of his gun, cell phone and his wallet, because why should he have his wallet? There actually looked like there was money in there when I glanced at it before stuffing it into my coat pocket along with his gun. I went to Karen’s office and found moron number two. This second guy should have been outside and the first guy should have been inside.
People who come to see a shrink don’t like to look at the other people. It’s okay to glance around to see the free chair, but then you avoid eye contact. You don’t look at people if you’re already sitting. You don’t stare at people if you’re in one of these waiting rooms. You only make a momentary glance and get on with your own thing. He looked right at me, staring at me.
“You’re not supposed to stare at people in a shrink’s office.” I said looking at the chair across the waiting room from where I was standing.
“Oh yeah?” I asked
And my hand snapped out, clocking him right across the temple. He tumbled to the floor with a sort of oof sound and then a thump as he hit the carpet. I wanted not to quip, I wanted to do this right, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Yeah.” I told him, “It’s rude.”
I took his gun, phone and wallet away from him as well. I also noticed that he was pretty heavily stuffed with cash, which made me happy. If I could make just a little money on this case, that would be nice. So far we’d mostly had expenses and a few bearer bonds. Good, old fashioned, ill gotten cash has always made me happiest. I opened one door, turned a corner and opened another door where Karen was talking to a young woman in black jeans and a Scary Susan t-shirt.
“Hi.” I said to the Goth girl. “I’m really sorry to do this but I have to take your therapist away because people are likely coming to kill her and they currently have her girlfriend and are going to kill her if we don’t do something really fuckin’ quick.”
“What… Karen?” The Goth girl asked, at least she had decided against black lipstick.
“Jack?” Karen asked.
“All true babe.”
“I thought you had a guy?” the girl asked.
“Oh for heaven’s sake.” I snapped. “Karen, we don’t have time for this, go. Goth girl, she’s bi, she’s polyamorus, she used to be sort of gothy when she was in high school and she’s in a lot of trouble right now. If you go google those things you’ll find out your therapist is into a lot more than you thought. C’mon Karen.”
“Damnit Jack. That’s not the sort of thing I… holy shit.” She got a good look at the guy splayed out on the floor of her waiting room and then pocked her head back into the sanctum sanctorum. “Celia dear, we should probably all leave together, come on.”
“Yeah, he got a little strumpy, had to take corrective action.” I told her as Celia came out of the office with a long denim coat folded over her arm. “Shall we then?”
Neither of them spoke, although they whispered to each other as we walked past the first man I’d concussed that day. I was sort of fascinated that with the signs of violence and the big sexy man leading them away, they were still essentially having their session.
“I didn’t know you were bisexual.” Celia was whispering with a great deal of excitement. “I mean, it changes everything doesn’t it?”
“I don’t normally discuss my private life.” Karen admitted.
“Yeah, but.” Celia stopped to glance back at the concussed form on the sidewalk. “I mean, you’ll understand. You’ll get it. I can tell you about it.”
“About what?”
“Well, I… next week?”
“Okay.”
“What’s that other thing he said you were polarimus?”
“Polyamorous.” Karen said, and I could fee laser beams burning a hole in the back of my head. “We’ll discuss it next week okay?”
“Okay.” Celia said and gave Karen what looked like a pretty impromptu hug. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Okay.” Karen still whispered.
Celia ran to her car, an oh three Packard that had probably been her father’s before he got a new car. She waved at us as she got into her car and started to drive away. We walked to the Skylark and I’m glad to say Karen walked right past it looking for the Hudson.
“This is it babe.” I said.
“A skylark?” She asked.
“Inconspicuous.” I said getting in. “Did I fuck up your session?”
“I don’t know.” She said. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t do much lasting damage.”
“I’m sure it’ll all turn out okay in the end.” I said.
“Are you?” She asked.
“No.” I said. “Wait here. I’m going to go find something out.”
I got out of the car and started toward the guy who had been lying on the sidewalk. I knelt down just as he was coming around and took a handful of his hair in my hand. He yelped as I gave him a yank and pulled my jack knife open in front of his eyes.
“Morning!” I enthused. “I’m Jack Collier, and who might you be?”
“Mike.” He said and decided to complete it. “Mike Tinker.”
“Mike Tinker.” I said. “Well, tell me Mike Tinker, do you feel like you’ve done well today?”
“No sir.” Tinker said.
“Let’s go in Mike.” I said pulling his hair to make him stand.
I dragged him into the waiting room and tossed him into a chair as the second one started to come around. I grabbed him by his hair, and the idiot actually tried to grab his gun, going to far as to jerk his head down to look in the holster, which caused a sharp cry of pain.
“Have I made my point about not staring?” I asked.
“What?” He asked.
“What’s your name?” I asked yanking on his hair to make him stand up.
“Fuck you.”
“You’re going to tell me.” I said placing the tip of the knife against the bags under his left eye. “You want me to start taking eyes because of your rudeness? Or would you rather be polite and tell me your name?”
“Alan Tailor.” He shouted suddenly.
“Good!” A said and shoved him down into a chair. “Now where were you going to take Karen?”
“Back to the house.” Tailor said.
“Which house?”
“What do you mean which house?”
“Which fucking house?” I demanded.
“Piper’s house.” He said. “Where they’re keeping the other girl.”
“Ah.” I said and nodded. “Well. I can’t trust you two, so you’ll have to come with me.”
“What?” Tinker asked.
“You’re coming with me.” I told him. “If you don’t like that, I can just shoot the both of you right now. If you don’t like being good boys in the back seat, I can crack you over the head and put you in the trunk after trussing you up with a bunch of plastic cuffs.”
“We’ll be good.” Tinker said, holding his hands up. “You don’t hafta shoot us or hurt us or nothing.”
“You fuckin’ pansy.” Tailor said.
“Shut up man, you’re going to get us killed.”
“The fuck I am.” He said, so I hit him hard across the top of the head with the sap and down he went.
“Come on Mikey.” I said grabbing Tailor’s feet. “You get the heavy end because you’ve lived a life without moral firmament. The work will be good for you.”
“Um, right.” Tinker said grabbing Tailors shoulders.
I was good to my word, and I did truss Tailor up and put him in the trunk. The problem was, that after Tinker helped me put Tailor in the trunk, I gave him a good hard sock across the head and let him fall into the trunk where I trussed him up too. I then took them all back to Grandma’s and we locked the boys in Grandpa’s old work shed, which was surprisingly well built and could work as a makeshift dungeon if and when I needed one.
So, Karen and Jill were at the house, hanging out. Tinker and Tailor where locked up in the shed, I had an extra two guns to go with the four I was already packing in the Skylark, and I knew where I was going. As I left the house, I decided all I had left to do was to tell one of the women I loved that I was about to enter the lions den and give the lion that cock slapping I’d been talking about.
“Alice Liddell.” She said as she answered her phone.
“I’m going to the Piper House.” I told her. “Piper has kidnapped Debbie and the guy behind the Thinkonomics people is there causing problems too. A big fat Texan called Red King.”
“Yes.” She said. “I know Jack.”
“You know?”
“I’ve been following Red King for sometime.” She said. “I was trying to get him in
“So you’re in
“I’m at the Piper house now.” She said.
“We don’t go in until I get there.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late for that.”
“Did you arrest them already?”
“No.” She said. “They got me.”
“What?”
“Howdy Jack!” Red’s voice said after a second. “Seems I’ve got two of the girls you were sweet on. And a couple of my guys brought me back Cindy too, just had to kill a couple of faggots to get her, ain’t that nice? So I don’t need you at all now.”
“Wait!” I called out, “King?”
“Yes?” He asked,
“You haven’t got Jill Piper.”
“No I haven’t.” He said. “You know where she is, don’t you?”
“Let the girls go and well talk.”
“You couldn’t trust me and I know I can’t trust you.” He told me. “You come up to the house, we’ll talk face to face, see where that gets us.”
“I’ll be there shortly.” I said and hung the phone up. I then threw it against the dashboard and shouted “Shit, fucking, fuck, shit, goddamnit it, fuck shit.” In various combinations for the better part of a quarter of an hour.
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