What they need

I was thinking about that video* where the No On 8 people were being pelted with insults and other things by bigots and just general ill will wishers, and I decided what that video really needed. It did not need understanding, or well delivered arguments. Nor did it need someone to hold make a moving speech. It needed a bull dyke.
*I don’t really want to go looking for it though. You’ve got google, do it yourself.

Not a lesbian, not a gay woman or a female of a homosexual persuasion. A Bull Dyke. A big fat 250 pound dyke with an 18 inch purple dildo strapped on over her black jeans. The sort who can make you feel like she’s twice the man you’ll ever be. Yeah, that kind. The kind who will clap you across the head for calling her anything besides a dyke. Let’s call her Angel, not that I know anyone who fits that description who goes by that name or anything.

So, this hypothetical person who we’re calling Angel because I’ve picked the name out of the sky sees this group. She then decides to walk over to the screaming throngs, her big purple silicon cock waving majestically like a metronome of pure intimidation as she walks. It would be hard to miss her, what with the large member all purple and sparkly being so prominent before her.

“I’ve only got one thing to say to you boys!” Angel would announce, in a voice that would make any Marine suddenly stand up straight by reflex alone. “I intend to fuck a wife. If you don’t let me get married so I can fuck mine, then I’m going to fuck yours! It’s your choice. You either give me the right to marry and I’ll fuck my own wife, or I’ll come to your houses and fuck each and every one of your wives.”

I then imagine that Ennio Morricone would spontaneously show up to perform a special piece of music so that her stand off need not go without proper mood music. I can see the sweeping crane shots and the close ups on the eyes, hands and quivering tip of Angel’s silicone helper, majestic as the sun glints off it’s imbedded sparkles. Her black dyed hair would gently sway in the soft breeze, maybe a single strand would fall between her gimlet like eyes. Not that I’ve got an exact picture or anything.

I’ve often said that the one thing I don’t see enough of in the gay movement is real genuine menace. No one ever seems to stand up and say, “We can do this nice, or we can do this nasty, but I’m going to get what I want because it’s that important to me.” I can’t help but think that it’s one of the main reasons they keep getting rolled over, again and again. No one ever stands up and announces that they’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. The anti-crowd has done that, and to great effect. They’re always ready to get all up in someone’s grill, and sadly too many gays and their supporters just cower back and don’t return the favor. Seriously, when someone starts screaming in your face, what is really needed sometimes is a good hard headbutting and a muttering of the phrase, “Motherfucker, you don’t fuck with me ‘cause this motherfucker fucks back.”† Then you fix the rest of the group with a steely eye and watch them melt back. Bullies generally will only bully people who make it easy for them.

It’s risky, I’ll grant. They would risk loosing a few people who might have felt some sympathy for the poor victimized group, but they’d also risk a lot of people stepping the fuck back because they know this is serious. It would also be helpful if the community would stop turning on their own at every opportunity and maybe didn’t treat every minor set back like the end of the world. I would also like a pony and a five foot three red head with no gag reflex and an interest in old films while I’m clearly writing my Buddha Day list.

It’s not even that it needs to be a large group that stands up and becomes occasionally belligerent. Maybe five, maybe ten percent of the group should act this way. The point isn’t to have them out front all the time. You want people like Angel (who is entirely hypothetical and probably doesn’t read this since I haven’t seen her in more than 10 years anyway) to only be brought out on special occasions to let people remember she exists. The point is to let people know they could be allowed to come out at any moment. It’s a carrot and stick. Like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King. Good cop, bad cop. Kenneth Williams and Divine.

…

Should I have used Stephen Fry in that last example? Maybe Neil Patrick Harris? Fuck it, I’m sticking with Kenneth, he’s a cult figure.


As a final note, the next time I hear someone say "I've got nothing against the gays, I've got gay relatives." I'm afraid I'm going to have to kick said person in the crotch so hard that their sexual organs will leap out of their mouths and run to Switzerland only to get caught on the barbwire after crashing their motorcycle. Why would I do this? Because some of my best friends are black, that's why!

†Out of all my goofy tough guy phrases, this seems to be Holly's favorite.