My thoughts while watching Watchmen

I’m just about to hit play, we’ll see what we’ve got…

Live notes about Zack Snyder’s Watchmen, a Zack Snyder film, directed by Zack Snyder

He really doesn’t get the disparity between super powered beings and normal people does he? These people are hurling each other across entire 50 foot long rooms and punching fists through walls and making 20 foot leaps in a single bound.

Can someone PLEASE take the slo-mo cam away from this movie? Please? This movie isn’t 5 minutes over and I’m already sick to fucking death of it.

Cops that shoot before yelling, “Police!” or indeed anything at all. Minus ten thousand points from Gryffindor for that one stereotype alone. I hate that fucking shit.

Why is this so fucking lifeless? You could have put paper cut outs on sticks and gotten roughly the same emotional level.

Did Zack get a Best of the 60s and Best of the 80s CD for his birthday?

Does he think he’s trying to remake Double Indemnity? No, that would show culture and intellect beyond his years, probably Chinatown then.

Sweet Merciful fuck! Ride of the Valkyries for the Vietnam scene? Really? Does this asshole have not one original thought in that empty fucking head of his?

I don’t hate the redesigned costumes, and some of the panel recreations are sort of nice, but I got over needing to see panels recreated with Sin City. You did some design work, try drawing your own story boards.

HEY! The Guy who played Fred Durkin on Nero Wolfe is in this.

Again with the not understanding what humans can and can’t do. I wouldn’t complain, but every fight has been so very overblown and the whole POINT is that the actual superhuman Dr. Manhattan made non-super powered costumed heroes obsolete.

And instead of kicking a few asses and sending guys packing, Dreiberg and Laurie just go ahead and kill people.

Oh what is this bullshit? They drag Janie Slater out to ambush Dr. M? And then she pulls off her wig and screams at him in the most obvious orchestration EVAR!

The music from Koyaanisqatsi? Really? Are you serious? Really? The music from Koyaanisqatsi? Are you fucking kidding me?

Jeeze, they made everybody in this movie a murder didn’t they? Dr. M just exploded some people in the bloodiest way they could get away with.

This chick playing Laurie just CAN NOT ACT! It’s not because she’s supposed to be playing a brat, it’s not because she’s supposed to be sort of unlikable, she just can’t fucking act for shit.

This fuel shortage plotline is just bullshit. I know Zack Snyder is too stupid to understand the whole squid thing, but this replacement is just bullshit.

God, it’s like a movie made by a twelve year old with all the bloo… HOLY SHIT! THEY JUST SHOT ST. LEE OF IACOCCA! What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Do you suppose Snyder has ever seen Taxi Driver? You think he even knows that Rorschach is a Travis Bickle clone?

Odd, how everyone in this movie went to learn Kung Fu as the same school as Jason Bourne. Don’t you find that odd? Even when he was a kid Rorschach could take Neo out. I find that odd.

This isn’t even needlessly gory, we’ve gone past that. This is stupidly bloody. It’s just plain dumb. And why have Rorschach hack the guy to pieces with a clever when it was so much more satisfying to burn him alive? Because Zack Snyder is just plain stupid is why. He just doesn’t fucking get it. He thinks killing is power, and that should cause terror, where as the real power is in the extension of pain. You make them hurt longer, you make death the release. What you do in the end is you make them want what they previously thought was the worst that could happen to them. Fucking idiot just thinks killing is the worst you can do.

The guy playing Night Owl actually seems to get his character. The guy playing Rorschach gets it too. The guy playing the Comedian looks like the character, but I’m not sure he fully understands him. And Dr. M has the schlong of John Holmes.

And yet, no titties. All this blood, Dr M’s massive member, and not a single boob among them. Zack, with this and 300… is there something you want to tell us?

OH FUCK NOT THAT FUCKING HALLELUJAH SONG AGAIN! I mean, it’s not even a hot fucking scene, but what little there is here is killed by that fucking Hallelujah song. And would a full figured woman who had… you know, like, tits worth looking at be too much to ask? She has the body of a deformed 15-year-old boy for fuck’s sake.

And now someone is boxing to… okay I can’t remember the name of the song but it’s the music they used at the beginning of Raging Bull.

Why even bother having Bubastis in the movie? He was a first experiment toward making the squid, why have him if there is no squid?

AND THEY FUCK UP THE REPUBLIC VILLIAN LINE! Assholes!!

If you Nuke all these cities, won’t each side just use the event as an excuse to nuke the fuck out of the other? Why would they wait to figure out if it was his energy signature or whatever bullshit they came up with? How do they work that out when a city has just been destroyed? They get their info pretty fuckin’ quick in the 80s, let me tell you. And why not just bomb the fuck out of the rest of Russia? Who else knows about this energy wave signature? Couldn’t the governments that are left make up and story they want? It’s not like a huge fuckin’ squid was left in the middle of New York to rot in the sun to disprove the bullshit.

No, I don’t buy it for a second.

Making Manhattan the monster is stupid. They made him a god and he became angry and destroyed the world and they turn against him? Do people turn against their gods? How many atheists suddenly turned up in NOLA after Katrina? Not many, I’m going to bet. People don’t turn against gods, they beg to be forgiven for whatever it was that they did wrong. Further more, the alien invasion was meant to be an attack from a complete outsider, someone that everyone could hate without any reservation. It was giving a perfect outsider to line up against. It’s a fucking Ronald Regan speech for Christ’s sake! You can’t have someone we have a connection with if you want a complete unknowable outsider. Dumbasses.

And Veidt isn’t even defeated in the end. He’s punched a few times and Dan tries to tell him off, but he wins since Dan’s complaint isn’t even particularly coherent much less convincing. In the comic Jon told Veidt he was an asshole and made it stick, before walking off, leaving Veidt without the approval he craved. Here, it’s just stupid. They’re trying to be clever, with something they’ve made stupid and they have no idea how to end it. In the end their just going through the motions but they don’t understand what their doing so it’s hollow and meaningless. You can’t out smart Alan Moore you fucktards.

Movie’s over, I’m done.

Zack Snyder remains a Goddamn idiot.


Quick Version: It’s not exactly bad, it’s just lifeless and stupid. It wants to be clever, but it can’t because the filmmakers weren’t smart enough. I'm not pissed though. I'm not going to rant and rave for days. I probably won't even think about it, it made no solid impression beyond confirming what I was already told. In a way, that's probablyt worse, which is fitting.