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Gorilla

Chivalry (a poem)

I hope you don’t mind
If I don’t open doors
Or put you on a pedestal
Or sing songs to you
About how I’d die for you
Or demand that you be pliant
Or agreeing
Or silent
Or otherwise ornamental
That is not my brand of chivalry.

If you are caught in a tower
Or taken by a dragon
Or otherwise need rescuing
Either from perceived bandits
Or possibly from yourself
I’m afraid you’ll find me somewhat wanting
That’s not so much my chivalric bag either.

If you need a horse ridden though... I’m allergic

Tell ya what sugar-tits!
Here’s a sword, here’s a shield
I’ll go up into the tower and put on a dress
This time, you can save me.

The Route (a poem)

I can talk about cars or listen to guys talk about sports
And I can smile politely when a horse race subject
Like politics or reality TV is brought up
I can even make comments when the subject of hot celebrities comes up

However!

Whenever someone asks
"What route did you take to get here."
I am immediately forced to announce.
"I’m sorry, I'm not middle aged, nor middle class enough to have this conversation!"

And I must leave.

last few pictures at the moment...

You will be redeemed through Kung-Fu (a poem)

Every once in a while
I find myself asking
What if it was really Bruce Lee
That died for our sins
And then
Because that drinking game
Never actually ended
I have to take a shot

Poetry Problems (a poem)

I'm struggling with a deeply theological poem.
It's a poem about gods and their place in the universe
But not much rhymes with twatburger
So the poem is sort of going nowhere.

The Plan (a poem)

I have a plan, it's a good plan, a near perfect plan.

There is just one TINY problem with the plan.

It won't work.

No, don't ask what part, it's pretty much screwed from start to finish

Which I must admit, even for me, is something of a hindrance if I want the plan to go through.

I'll work it out though.

Fancy has an alternate idea that she says is awesome.

Tea (a poem)

I woud like to have high tea with The Queen.
If that's not possible
I would like to have high tea with a queen.
Any queen really.
Drag Queen
Dairy Queen
Beauty Queen

I wonder if someone will ask why I rank Drag higher than Beauty in that list.
Two sugars please.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel (a poem)

Isambard Kingdom Brunel faked his own death so he would have more time for his true passion... engineering the perfect doughnut!

Every word I’ve ever told you is true.

Even the shit I made up.

It’s all true.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel MAKES it true.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel engineers the fuck out of problems.

The only thing greater than Isambard Kingdom Brunel, is Fancy.

Fancy runs this show bitches!

And don't you forget it.

Open Lette to a Year (a poem)

Dear 2009,

Hell has come
High water has come
Death, destruction, and the end of the world
And yet, I remain standing.
I am going to cook those fucking turduckens.
Yeah, TurduckenS
PLURAL!
Nothing can stop this now.
I will keep calm and I will carry on.
I've dealt with pretty much everything in and around your borders
Dying relatives, new kittens, flooded houses, and more bullshit than I care to relate.
The Sick, The Elderly, the stupid and the strong
The good, the bad, the ugly and the adorable
I've dealt with a guy driving with the ghost of Adolph Hitler riding next to him.
I've dealt with a riveter who wants to fist someone up to the elbow.
And yet, here I stand.
My lights are still on.
As I said they would be.
I said you wouldn't be able to crush my VEWPRF spirit
and you can't.

I've got this bell, it rings.
I've got these candles, they chase away the dark
I've got this bloody-minded sense of determination, it starts to get a little bit scary after a while
My point is, you won't sink this holiday.


You can go die in a fire 2009
You can go to hell
You can fuck right the fucking fuck off... fucker.

This is a musical pop- combo, yes? (a poem)

I would like it to be known that...
I listen to boring old music
On scratchy old records
I remember when there was no tv, we only had radio
And the movies were better when they were in black and white
We used to make our own fun when I was a boy
Everything was better when I was a kid
And that I am very, very, very old and out of touch
You may now all "Git offa my lahn!"


It's quite possibly that only one of those statements is true. I'll let you decide which one is the true one.

Bad Movie is BAD (a poem)

Hercules and the Captive Women is bad.
I mean really bad
Like 'it almost broke me' bad
But I have the power of Stan Bush
I have survived.
Seriously kids
DO NOT try this at home
I've got years of practice
and a serious case of insanity to keep me safe.

Outdated Dinosaurs

I know pretty much all of Charles Knight's pictures of dinosaurs are wrong.
I know that he represents an outdated view
I still like his works though
They represent the Dinos I grew up with
And an era gone by

I love the old and the outdated
Which should be no surprise to you
And I really need to get
A Crystal Palace Iguanodon model
Frankly, my desk demands it.

Actual Size (a poem)

I bought a book at Borders last night.
A big picture book about Dinosaurs.
One that is way too big.
Like 17x14 and a half inches big.
It's just called Dinosaurs.
It was in the "We know you'll never buy these, but you'd be disappointed if we didn't offer them" section.
But I did buy it
Because of two words
Actual Size
The microraptor has a two page picture of it
And that picture is labeled MICRORAPTOR (actual size)
So for that reason alone I bought it.
It's turning out to be a really nice book though.
They put feathers on T-Rex and made him look like a punk rocker
The book was printed in October 2008
This is the most up to date information we've got about them
We know they had feathers now
We were wrong all this time
It's from a printing company in England
And the price is only labeled in pounds
But someone sold it here anyway
You can get it at Amazon.com and .co.uk
If you want to have a huge book about dinosaurs that is.
Or you want to see pictures of Archaeopteryx
In Actual Size

Some times (a poem)

There are days when I just don't want to be good.
I just want to be naughty.
That's why I've bribed your pets.
They all work for me now.
They watch you and they report.
Soon, we'll strike.
And then, we'll rule the world.

Today = AWESOME! (a poem)

The car has a coolant leak.
The car I just got back for minor body work from the shop, has a coolant leak.
Not a little leak, a massive leak.
Hol is going back to the insurance company tomorrow instead of work.
Cat's tried to kill a mouse
And the turtles are stalking me.
Did I mention the turtles? I've seen 7 turtles today, every time I've gone outside there were turtles.
Big turtles,
Size of bread plates
HEY!
That's pretty big for a painted turtle.
On the drive way
near the house
looking at me
got nothing to do with them laying eggs in the loose dirt around the house
Turtles know ninjistu man
They are STALKING ME!
And they hiss, one hissed at Holly when she picked it up after it tried to charge the car.
Seriously
And I'm about 5 hours overdue for my nap.
A nap I was going to take because I was 10 hours past bed time.
I'm tired, Fancy tired to kill a mouse, the car's broke, the turtles are stalking me, today has been just fucking awesome.

That moment (A Poem)

You know that moment.
That moment when you think
"Surely at some point they're all going to notice I'm not wearing any pants."
Only they never do
Because you are wearing pants
And you're just being paranoid.
Seriously,
You need to see someone about that
People are talking.

Devil Pants - A Poem (Circa Dec. 15th, 2004, 02:39 am)

It’s hard to dance with the devil in your pants.
So very hard to dance, with the devil in your pants.
If you have to dance.
Take the devil from your pants.
Place the devil on a sponge.
And scrape him over grunge.
Then flush him down the can.
And you can dance once again.

This is possibly the stupidest poem I’ve ever written, and that’s saying something.

Always believe

Nothing is impossible
Except dividing by zero
And even then
We have ways...