Ladies, look away please.
No, really. I’m going to talk to the guys for a moment and I don’t want you looking in. This is going to be crude, embarrassing and probably a bit patronizing, so I don’t want you looking in.
Okay, now that I’ve guaranteed that every woman on my f-list is reading and probably forwarding this to their friends…
Fellas, we’ve gotta talk.
This Open Source Boob Project kerfuffle has given me a perfect opportunity to talk about some things that have been bugging me for a while. I’m going to use this situation to explore some of the problems I’ve been having with some of you guys. It’s about how some guys talk to women, and how they treat certain women and how if I catch you doing some of these things in person I’ll stomp you until the question “is there a god” becomes irrelevant because you’ll have the answer.
See, I like women, a lot. I like the look of women, I like the sound of them, the smell, and most of all I like the feel of women. To be honest, beyond kitties and waffles, I have this belief that women are what make life worth living. I’ve always been more comfortable with females than males, and I’ve always appreciated the living artwork that is the female form. As an over all thing though you understand. I like all the parts of women, the brain usually being the best part of all. I would have to say women’s minds are the best thing about them.
However, I’m also quite fond of breasts, as I’m sure many of you are. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because I know women and intelligent and thoughtful human beings that I miss their breasts, or thighs, or hips, or chins, or eyes, or hair. But yeah, I like hooters… a lot. Most guys like tits, we’re in love with meat melons in fact. Most guys who like women, like sweater kittens in a manner that makes how stereotypical women feel about shoes seem like a mild attraction. Of course we all know how we feel about knockers, but we many not know how other guys feel about them. If you think boobies are delightful, you can trust that we all pretty much feel the same. A good number of women, strait, bi and gay also are fairly enamored of the… shit! Sorry, I can’t think of another euphemism for the female breast. Damn it! Ah well, it was bound to happen.
Let’s continue shall we?
The idea of trying to get your hands on the twin peaks and finding easy ways to go about it, are probably at least sometimes in your thoughts. Many methods probably have occurred to you at one time or another, and if you’re anything like me you’ve probably tried a few in your day. The thing is, some methods are better than others and some methods need to be approached with some delicacy. Maybe this hasn’t been explained to you before, and maybe I shouldn’t threaten to stomp your head until it splits and all the goo seeps out because it’s a little unfair. Frankly though, I’m tired and my empathy level is way down tonight for guys who are being assholes. Yes, that’s right, I’m saying it straight. When you do the things I’m going to be describing as inappropriate, you’re not just wrong, but the rules also say you’re an asshole.
Let’s start with some of the things that were wrong with the Open Source Boob Project. Beyond the fact that open source is about things you make, not things you have, there are problems with that name. Like number five on this list I got from Wikipedia. 5. No Discrimination Against Persons or Groups: no one can be locked out.
Yeah, that won't encourage guys with entitlement issues to moan and whine like a donkey with a broken leg. I can hear the bleating now about “how come them and not me?” May I point out that a shower might help?
Okay, never mind that, that is actually a small side issue. It more or less occurred to me as I was looking up open source. Although it is a problem with doing anything like this in public spaces where vile little puppies who don’t realize that some of these women have known some of these men for decades and they trust them. The public aspect actually causes a lot of the problems people had with this, because even if they’re not being directly asked it doesn’t make for a comfortable common space when that is going on. The potential for abuse, when you take something like this out of private gatherings, are huge. Like so big it has its own gravity well and an event horizon. Someone standing near someone who doesn’t want to be pawed by some pathetic pervert punk who wants to get his palms on her plums would just as likely get the police to protect her from you… piffle, can’t come up with another word that starts with P. Fucking alteration.
The point is that sometimes just asking the question can be offensive. Particularly if you ask in the wrong context. If you see a green button on the woman standing next to the lady whose fun bags you just grabbed, and you’re not looking carefully enough to see if it’s the right kind and then you ask this woman (who is already possibly horrified over seeing some random stranger walk up and squeeze her friend) she might well pull out a gun and shoot you between the eyes. It’s legally called sexual harassment, and a jury would have a hard time convicting her for taking a mouth breather like you out of the gene pool. Let me break this down for you, women are always being treated like a target. They always have to be on the defensive, because there is always some idiot like you around.
Then you’ve got the social pressure aspect, which I find repugnant beyond words. This “If you’re cool, you’ll let me fondle your tits” horse shit that makes me want to hang people upside down and gut them like a deer. A group of men approach, and ask if they can have a squeeze of the beach balls and how cool it would be if they let them? What is a woman supposed to do? You say no one is treated differently? I say bullshit! This very much like this Cloven Orange bullshit. Telling a girl to just take the orange graciously? That kind of passive aggressive shit only leads to actual aggression in my experience. Should she also just lie back and close her eyes because it’ll go easier on her that way? If I ever caught anyone doing that to women they didn't know around me, I would get a sharpie, write the word "TIRE" on their forehead and then claim I'm following the directions on this device here.
While I understand these things get started as small-group-fun-things, I've been told too many stories about people chasing girls around and harassing them with the thing that’s supposed to let them in to believe it's all being done innocently. Trying to use social pressure to coerce a woman into accepting your skeezy-ass advances is just as bad as if you used physical force, and I will cave your skull in for it. I've learned from some truly terrifying experiences that someone who physically abuses women, often starts small with shit like this.
Not to mention that the button thing just frankly pisses me right the fuck off. Buttons? You can’t go find an emotionally fragile girl, separate her from the pack, and talk to her for five minutes? You’ve got to have a button to know which one to go directly to, cutting out the whole “getting to know you” phase of the operation? Punks. It takes no more than a couple of minutes to learn a girl’s name, her age, and her favorite movie, book and Firefly character. As an artist in the realm of picking up nice girls, I’m disgusted to see my art reduced to this fast food style. Also, why red buttons? That insinuates that one had to opt out to not be hit on by these idiots. That makes people even more uncomfortable, and makes them feel even more put upon. That wasn’t their intention? Well, Hitler had a different intention in 1931 than what he ended up with in 1944. YEAH! I FUCKING WENT THERE!
And if I may say, how very brave of them to go after the emotionally fragile. "My breasts," they asked shyly. "Are they... are they good enough to be touched?" Yeah, go after women who aren’t secure in their own physical image so you can have a cheap thrill. Make it clear in fact that your handing out you're sorry ass excuse for validation, as well as an “IN” for the big group you travel with, that they feel they need to come line up to you. So much of that post made it absolutely clear that they were going after people who had self esteem problems so they could exploit it. I bet you pick up drunk chicks as the bowling alley too don’t you?
That’s not to say that all the women who wanted to get involved have self-esteem issues, some of them might have really found the experience liberating, but I would feel confident saying the percentage of troubled women who get fondled in a situation like this is right around 85%. Still though, I don’t know all the reasons each of the women who endorse this idea had for doing so, and neither do you. I know the reasons of a few, and some of them are even sound and reasonable. I didn’t much appreciate the nasty statements I saw towards some of these women. You can disagree with their reasons, but you’ve got to keep it respectful.
I don't have to be respectful with you, because we're all men here (or at least we're supposed to be) so I can tell you what a douche you've been acting like.
I don’t really feel all that comfortable trying to second guess women on sexual matters, because I’ve never actually been a woman and can only go by what I’ve been told. We can talk about women and how some of them sometimes need male attention to feel complete, but we can’t do it right now. This is going to be long enough as it is.
How about how some guys start? I know that the sentence “Hey, you’ve got beautiful breasts, I’d love to touch them.” sounds like flattery, but it’s really not. It has always sickened me to hear a man break down a woman and judge her by parts right to her face. It’s far more insulting than you’d think, particularly if you don’t mention how beautiful her eyes are as well. Of course, you can’t tell how beautiful her eyes are if you only stare at her breast.
There is a time and place to inform a woman that her secondary sexual organs are pleasing to you, the first words you say to her is not that time and in front of her friends is not the place. When you’re just about to enter the valley of paradise? That’s a good time to compliment her on her physical form. When she’s first opened the lace gate and let the perky twins out? That would be a good time. When you’ve known and admired her for some time and you know she isn’t going to smash your head in with a table lamp for mentioning it? That would be a good time. When you’ve known her for 15 seconds? That’s going to go under the FAIL column.
And asking them if you can touch them? That is not liberating, it’s insulting! Women know you’re looking, they know you are desiring, they would like to be treated as something beyond the object of your temporary affections. When you make a full frontal verbal assault like that, most women are going to be instantly on the defensive. They already know you want to touch, asking like that makes it look like you can’t think of any other way to get them to let you. Here’s a hint, save asking if you can touch them until you at least know if that question will get you maced or not.
I’m very annoyed at the level of objectification and the level of entitlement I’ve been seeing lately. This one event put a fresh slant on it, because these folks were so full of themselves that you’d think there would be little room left for a sense of entitlement. Their sense of entitlement must have gotten a room next door with their ability to objectify or something. You can tell that these people were totally self absorbed and using these women as objects just from how everything was about how great they felt while doing the groping.
Never saw a word from or about how the grope-ies felt, and why should there be? Objects don’t have feelings do they? How could they even know that there were feelings. When people complained, they were accused of having hang ups, being told to just get over it, and so on. The dismissive manner displayed by those who were defending the practice towards people who were horrified was really disgusting. Particularly when they got genuinely nasty towards people who simply were trying to explain what they saw that was objectionable. Lots of the responses I saw from members of the grope group were full of the kind of talk that Nice Guys tend to use. We all know how I feel about Nice Guys don’t we?
Let me tell you guys, you don’t deserve to get to grope anyone. You don’t just instantly deserve anything in fact. Quit giving me these bullshit reasons why you are some how entitled to something and how the only answer to not getting your way is to throw a tantrum and call someone a bitch. That makes you an asshole about the size of the goatse guy’s rectum. If you can’t even be bothered to be respectful, understanding and treat her like a human, it’s no question why you’re getting nothing.
I’m hardly going to even touch the “Well, the girls were the one who started touching each others boobies” because if you can’t identify performance based bi-sexuality by now then I’m not sure me informing you that sometimes girls will kiss girls just to get them hot is going to help. However, I’m trying to be educational and helpful so here it goes…
Sometimes, straight girls will perform bi-sexually with another girl in order to get the men folk aroused. They do it to get a rise out of you, and I’m told that women who are actually and fully bi-sexual or gay get really frustrated with girls like this. If there is a guy around, he’s a spectator and the situation becomes even more lecherous. Besides, any poly person can tell you that every time you add a person to the situation it grows in complexity exponentially.
If a woman lets you touch her in some way, it’s not magic. It’s just a body rubbing up against another body. It may feel magical for a moment, but that’s mostly adrenaline. I’ve touched girls under laboratory conditions (Well, I touched a girl in a science lab anyway) so I know what I’m talking about. You need to avoid putting women, or their body parts on a pedestal. They’re human, just like us. You need to treat them as humans and consider their feelings when you look and talk to them. Also, you need to learn their fuckin’ names for Fancy’s sake! I know the name of every girl I’ve ever kissed, and if pressed I could probably come up with them. I’ve done the casual petting thing (and probably will again at some point) I’ve done the sexual adventuring, and I’ve had sex with more women than you’ve had hot dinners. That is as long as you’ve only had 6 really piping hot dinners. 9 depending on how you define sex… or dinner for that matter.
Finally…
(bet you’ve been dying to see that word)
Don’t reduce women to nameless carriers of the fleshy bits you like, because that makes you unworthy of being called a man. It makes you a little, pathetic boy, still whining over not getting to feel up Suzy Jenkins when rumor had it she let everyone touch her breasts. Never mind that the rumors about Suzy were as true as the rumors about the dead body in the boiler room, you probably still believe that one too. I don’t know about you, but high school was a long fucking time ago for me, and I’ve moved on.
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