Your childhood likes it rough.

Dear Geeks, Nerds, and other assorted basement dwelling Virgins,

For the love of waffles, please stop bitching about Star Wars Episode One. Seriously, it’s just tedious at this point and I haven't heard anything new added to the discussion in a decade. We get it, you were disappointed that the movie didn’t blow you out of your seat. Yes, the prequels aren’t as good as the original trilogy. Allow me, for a moment though, to give you what I like to call a spoiler for life. Many things aren’t as good as the thing that came earlier and the thing from your youth will always look nicer than the thing you have now.

And, if I may, stop saying George Lucas killed your childhood. I’m really sorry Reb Brown lied to you and there isn’t actually popcorn growing on the trees at Disneyland, but that’s not George Lucas’s fault. Childhood ends, that happens to everyone. It’s supposed to be a part of life. You’re not supposed to stay in this pupa stage forever. I know how you feel though, my childhood ended too. Of course that was more because I came to fully understand things like sex and arthritis rather than watching a movie, but I can still sympathize. However, let’s not blame a moviemaker for that. If George Lucas could kill your childhood with a movie, then your childhood wasn’t worth having. In fact, your childhood isn’t George Lucas’s responsibility.

Like wise, while we’re on the subject, how about you stop with phrases like “Raped my childhood*” when describing these things? If you’re complaining about Star Wars, you’re very likely a child of the 80s and 90s. That means you were raised on a steady diet of corporately owned cartoons that sold action figures and had breakfast cereal tie-ins. You have spent your entire lives consuming things that have been focus-grouped to within an inch of their lives. You’ve rarely had anything mainstream that wasn’t cynically trying to mine your pockets for money. Even when you know that, you still buy all of it. You ran out and watched all three Star Wars prequels, even though you knew they weren’t any good. You went to see Revenge of the Sith after you knew damn well that Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones were crap. Even after you knew about that, and you knew damn well that Spielberg and Ford had also lost their shit as well, you STILL went to Crystal Skull and acted surprised that it wasn’t as good as Raiders. Seriously, what are you, fucking retarded? And seriously, stop acting like Lucas is the sole reason Crystal Skull sucked. Ford was so not on his game, he couldn’t even see his game with a telescope. As for Spielberg, well, he hasn’t been the same since Private Ryan. And let’s remember, for all the bitching about more Storm Troopers, you all let Steve go for the walkie-talkies. WALKIE-TALKIES! That was Greedo shooting first levels of bullshit right there.

And yet, you keep going back to these poisoned wells and allowing these people to do this to you. You allow them to cynically sell you things from your childhood, inferiorly repackaged and obviously of lower quality. And you keep buying it! You keep going back and then complaining that it’s not as good as the thing you had as a kid. Then you dare to claim that your childhood was raped, while rushing out for the next bit of rough hatesex with some other beloved childhood icon.

Let’s face it, your childhood is into it. Your childhood likes it rough.





* By the way, violent sexual assault is nothing like having to watch a disappointing movie. Ask any rape victim if they would allow the comparison. None that I’ve talked to would allow it.