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Polyamory Q&A: Question 10

10. How do I know if poly is for me?

You don’t.

Yup, gonna be plain and simple at ya there. To give you just one example, you could be in a poly relationship for (let’s say) ten years and then suddenly decide during, the eleventh year, that this isn’t working anymore and you have to go. That has been known to happen on at least one occasion.

Conversely, you could live in a quite, button down, boring old peanut butter and jelly monogamous relationship for most of your life and then, suddenly BOOM(!) Cornchips! you meet someone so amazing you have to be with them, but you realize that you can’t be parted with your current partner and decide that instead of sneaking around and having affairs, you move them into the spare room and all live together as a little commune for the rest of your lives. That has also happened on at least one occasion.


You remember back at Question 4 I started making comparisons with food? Wasn’t that fun? Let’s do that again. Do you remember being a kid and not liking asparagus? And then, do you remember having it one day during your adulthood and saying to yourself “This ain’t so bad. Actually, I kind of like this.” That’s because tastes change over time, unless you still hate asparagus, but if you’re going to be obstinate and refuse to work with me by eating your vegetables, then I’m afraid there will be no pudding for you. Well, all of life is kind of like that. One day you realize that Pepsi is just too damn sweet, that lemons are too damn sour, and that living with only one lover it too damn limiting. Like wise, you can realize that asparagus is tasty, that you prefer more peas to a slice of pie, and that sharing your loved one with another person is actually kind of refreshing. Or, you might decide after three years that it’s not so awesome as you’d previously thought. This is going to sound like something you’d get if a 13 year old wrote a fortune cookie, but I know of no other way to say this… “You just never know.”

You might think it might not work, you might think you could never handle it, but you won’t know until you’ve tried it. You might think you’ll be a wiz at it, but that’s always someone’s thoughts pre-smashing the car into a lamp post because they have no idea how to drive and just slammed their foot on the gas. Either way, you just don’t know until you’ve given a whirl and seen how you reacted. Each person is different, and each group is different, but until you’ve been there, you simply will not know.

Now, sure, you can look for some of the factors that are listed in other places around the internet, but you didn’t ask about factors, you asked how you know and I’ve gotta tell ya, you never know. Of course, you might be gay, or a secret kitten hater, or a Doors Fan and not know that either. I know, it sounds sort of mealy mouthed and wishy washy, but it’s all I’ve got for you.

Polyamory Q&A: Question 4

4. Let’s go back to this Different People for Different Reasons thing…

That’s not a question, but okay. I like ice cream, you dig that? I also like Salt and Vinegar potato chips, you dig that? Okay, when I’m in the mood for ice cream, I go to the freezer and get some ice cream. When I want something salty and sour, I go to the pantry for the S&V chips, right? Okay! Now… Girlfriend #1 is a freezer and Girlfriend #2 is a pantry… and I just realized I am never getting laid every again… ever… too many fucking ellipses in this paragraph… I don’t care… I happen to like them and I think they give a nice Baroque feel to a… pation paragraph.

Sorry, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, food.

Sometimes the flavors mesh, ice cream and fresh berries go quite nicely together and make eating a delight. If you pour some hot caramel over them, and some whipped cream, and a couple of cute little cherries… then you’ll have to wash the bed sheets because that shit will get sticky. POINT IS! Flavors can mesh, and sometimes they can’t, but you can enjoy each as an individual thing and enjoying one does not detract from your enjoyment of the other. You can still love fresh strawberries, even if you also love ice cream. I don’t see the point in never eating a cherry again, just because I like strawberries a little more and I really don’t see the point of never having salt and vinegar chops again because I like strawberries as well.

Each person brings something new to the table, like a love of Shakespeare or in some cases, acid jazz. Syd likes outdoorsy stuff and the magic of nature, Holly didn’t. Hol liked Museums and Syd will tag along, but she can’t get enthusiastic about them. Syd likes video games and books with dragons on the cover, other girls like grunge music or cooking shows. I’m over simplifying, for the sake of making a model, but this could go on all night if I let it, but I won’t let it. The point is that I don’t need my one lover to be all things to me. I can have my other lover be the other things that the first lover is not. One can be gentle and understanding, the other can be frank and honest. It makes a good balance when it works, and you can build up a feedback loop of extra love that gets stored in little Coptic jars that have sexual positions on them instead of animal heads.

Polyamory Q&A: Question 3 (The tale of Kitty)

3. You say you love your friends, but if you get physical, doesn’t that make them just a fuck buddy?

No, and that phrasing things like that is going to get you killed someday. Terms like “fuck buddy” or “friends with benefits” tend to be used by people who want sex, but don’t want to/aren’t able to commit to a relationship. The way I feel towards certain friends is the exact opposite of that. I have a strong, committed feeling towards them, but can’t interact on a physical level for one reason or another. If I graduate to physical connection with a friend, there has already been an emotional connection. Love (for a given value of love) already exists, feelings have already taken root.

Let me tell you the story of a friend of mine, one that exemplifies what I mean. I have a friend that we shall call Kitty. It’s not her name, but I don’t want to use her name and I won’t use her first initial because that has always annoyed me. Why just do an initial when you can assign a completely new name? So this is Kitty, but she’s not a world weary whore with a heart of gold & a nose for trouble, so you can kindly get THAT image out of your mind thank you very much. Kitty is very dear to me, and while I’m not entirely sure she’d like to be the subject of a post like this, the things I’m going to say in this post at least shouldn’t be a surprise to her, so that’s something. Most of you won’t get within a mile of guessing who she is anyway, so she shouldn’t flip out in the comments and demand to know why I wrote about her. She should just sit tight and remember that no one else knows who she is. Syd knows, she knows, I knows, that’s probably the extent of it. If one or two other people know… well, that’s life. None of this is actually news anyway. And if she gets annoyed at me, well, I've lived a long a fruitful life.



I first met Kitty online, through a mutual friend. She liked a turn of phrase I used so much that she decided to read more of my stuff and we commenced to talking. About two months after we met online, we met in person. I was already getting to know her, and like her quite a bit, before I met her. When I did meet her… words like “Wow!” and “My goodness” are hardly sufficient. She was smart, beautiful, vivacious, quick witted, opinionated on numerous subjects, boisterous, and her voice was just a bit like music. I was enchanted, practically to the point of intimidation. These are just first impressions you understand. First meetings at an evening get together. Still, I was smitten and quite hard. I quickly developed quite a little crush on her. I still have that crush actually, I keep it in a box and take it out on lonely afternoons to admire it.

Now, I didn’t reveal this crush right away (though I suspect it was obvious to some) for several reasons. One, I’m shy. Yes, actually, I am. When it comes to important things, I lock up and get cold feet. Those of you frustrated as to why I’m still unpublished, ungalleried and… unmagazined? What do you do with photos? Anyway, I lack confidence and it’s hard to borrow a cup sometimes. It’s sort of sad really, because Kitty was single and kind of frustrated about it when I met her. I could have made an approach I suppose, but shyness got in the way. So did Holly now I think of it. Hol was insanely jealous of Kitty, rarely admitted her humanity, said she wasn’t cute but rather “Loud and obnoxious” and thought she was going to steal me away from her and Syd at any moment. I always had to be very, VERY careful about how I associated with Kitty because Holly constantly thought I was going to run off with her, which is ironic when you think about how that relationship ended, but never mind that now.

The other reason I didn’t hit on Kitty was that… well… approaching people who aren’t poly is kinda hard when you are. How to you feel them out on the idea? How do you express that you’d like them to enter a field that for most traditional people, would already be considered quiet crowded? I never know where to start, and while people can be accepting, the only people who have been really enthusiastic about the idea were judged to be unacceptable for reason of being “fucking psycho” which is a technical term. By the time I got to a place where I thought I could approach her, and explain how I was feeling, someone else had moved in and she was so incredibly head over heels for that guy that I could only really feel glad that someone I was falling in love with would be happy in a relationship. Okay, yes, I did feel some disappointment, but mostly just glad she’d found someone.

Now here’s the thing, I was perfectly happy to take up my place in the friend’s zone, not as a “One day he’ll dump her and then I can swoop in” but in a “I am her friend, that will do nicely” way. If we were friends, I could still talk to her and we could still be together, just together in a different way. Doesn’t mean I didn’t still look at the line of her jaw with admiration and attraction, but I didn’t have to make a big deal out of it. I was still deeply crushin’ on her, but I was content with my status. Actually, since I’m pretty sure she was not crushin’ on me, it was probably for the best. I’m sure she has some affection for me, particularly at this late date, but I’m also fairly sure that my bones where never in contention for jumping as far as she was concerned. She liked me, but she wasn’t into me, you know?

Now there are other things that went on during that period, and when she was having a bad day I would always try offer up my shoulder to her, but that’s what I do. I’ll admit, I offered it to her with far less reservation than I did most the people who got to explain their problems to me. And it’s not like I was looking for some reward. Being around her, just knowing I helped, was reward enough, you know? I had little interest, but to expand her joy and decrease her sorrow, but that’s how it is when someone is my favorite. I mean, yes, I am talking about my favorite girl that I never dated here. Someone who was only second to Syd and Hol in my affections. Now, I suppose she’s second only to Syd, although it’s kind of a far second.

Years passed, and things changed and what had been a great big crush dwindled into a minor crush and is now small enough to fit in a small box and be taken out on rainy days. I still love her though, still feel great affection for her. It still kills me when she expresses that she’s worried about her future, because I can see the fear at the edges of her words, and I don’t want her to be afraid of anything. I care deeply about her, and I want her to be happy, unburdened and unafraid. That may never really come to pass, except in rare moments, but it’s what I want for her. I have reveled to her the extent of my attraction, and that I’m still not going to try and move in on her, she seems okay with it. I suspect I was telling her stuff she’s known for years. She’s a smart cookie after all, that was one of the things that attracted me to her.

Now, if you were viewing that from the outside, what would you call that? Is it okay with you if I call it love? Not romantic love perhaps, not hot and sweaty love, certainly not the love where we swap spit and other bodily fluids, but a variety in which I care very much about a person. Yeah, the situation between us never grew to physical intimacy, but we have an emotional connection never the less.

Now if that relationship were to suddenly progress to intimacy, I think I would have to grab the tire thumper and use it on the person who called Kitty my “fuck buddy” until they were nothing more than a twisted memory.

Shwanekee