Why I Hate Man Food

When I hear the phrase Man Food, what I really hear is… “I’m a MAN! And I’m gonna prove I’m a MAN by eating lots of BEEF and RIBS and things! Because I’m a MAN and not a faggit and I sure don’t want to be fucked up the ass or nothing. I’ll prove how straight I am by eating loads of hotdogs and drinking beer and OH GOD PLEASE SOMEONE SODOMIZE ME! I need it so bad… my butt is waiting.”

So yeah, talking about Man Food sort of makes me think you’re very, very gay. I know, I know, I shouldn’t use gay as a pejorative, and I’m not really. Nothing wrong with being gay, so long as you know what you are and accept the fact. It’s when men try to prove themselves to be Extra Manly with Manly Sauce that I stat looking at them and shout “GAY!” because if you were really confident that you’re a hetro man, you wouldn’t be trying so hard to convince both me and yourself.

Few things are as pervasive as the gender identity roles for men. They extend far further than you think, run much deeper than we’ve previous suspected and are far, far more stringent than those for women. While the consequences for women might be much direr in the long run, many of those consequences revolve around men who are unable to escape the grasp of their gender identity. So really, I shouldn’t make fun of guys who can’t let go of pork ribs and football, but they all come off as so amazingly gay to me. Even though, really, it’s an expression of desperation and fear from someone who probably isn’t gay, but is terrified of being perceived as gay… and I just called them gay. Yeah, you can’t fucking win. Might as well wear a pink angora sweater and ride a big penis shaped rocket while waving your hat Slim Pickens style. If someone is going to call you gay no matter what you do, then why pretend?

And all of this is a side issue to the fact that women eat ribs and chili and drink beer and burp and have even been known to get into football of all things.  How can it be Man Food if girls are allowed to eat it? And, is there any such thing as woman food? Quiche? Strawberry Cheesecake? Calzones? Oysters? Tacos? Cherry Pie? Orchids? Cellos? Perhaps two semi-spherical mounds of panna cotta set next to each other with a cherry on each one? No… that’s too Caucasian-Centric, and I’m already being quite hetro-normative with this as it is. Besides not even all white chicks have pink nipples and certainly not cherry red ones.