Biblical Problems

I’ve got a problem with the bible. God always shows himself to just one dude, walking around in the wilderness. Like… always. Why not show up to a general meeting, let everyone get a look, answer some questions, take some tea. Does God have some social anxiety disorder or something? Because there’s Paxil, you know? Otherwise, it does rather give the atheists a fairly strong argument, since this god person never seems to show up to anything.

And Moses shows up and says “I bring the word of God.”
And if anybody is all “Who the fuck is this God? How come none of us have met him?”
And Moses would be all, “Um… he goes to a different school, you wouldn’t know him.”
And yet no one ever says “Are you telling me that we’re being asked to believe in the girlfriend from Canada.”

There is a parable, Jesus tells it I think. Some rich man dies and goes to hell and implores God, or Abraham, or the desk monkey on duty, or someone to send an angel to his brothers to warn them against sin. And the dude gets the answer of “They’ve got Moses and the prophets to warn them. If they won’t listen to them, why should they listen to an angel?”

And I’m all like… “BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A FUCKING ANGEL! It would a shinning golden celestial motherfucker with like wings and shit growing right out of his fucking back! What are you, fuckin’ retarded? Some tangible proof would be nice, ya shit head! Might shut Richard Dawkins’ fucking mouth, which would be a tangible miracle in and of itself.”

Also, more F bombs in the bible would certainly punch up the dialogue. And I say to you that it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle, which isn’t a kind of fucking gate by the way, than it is for a rich motherfucker to get his fat ass into heaven. And the disciples can be all “Tru dat, bro.”

And if instead of dying on the cross, if Jesus went all Jackie Chan on the Romans and got away... that would be awesome. If he could drive off in a pink Cadillac with a smart talking velociraptor sidekick, that would be aces. I’m just trying to help you guys out, point out some of the errors in your story. Maybe we can find some common ground, add a John Woo style gunfight to the Sermon on the Mount or something.

Think of it…
Bible 2: Bible Goes West.

Call me, we’ll do lunch.