Debbie’s Story
A Jack Collier Story
By Brett N. Lashuay
Part Five
December 6th
The World I Know
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
My cat, Fancy
I went outside to throw some bread to the geese and their two babies. The cats slipped out while I was at the door. Vienna got run off by the parental geese, Fancy did not. The goose came running at Fancy, who ignored it and kept in the direction she was walking. The goose fell back a few steps and ran up to Fancy again, wings splayed, hissing loud. Fancy looked at it for three seconds and then hissed at the goose, and the goose fucked off.
That's our Fancy.
With one little hiss, Fancy explained to the geese that while she had no problem with them being in the lawn, she was the boss applesauce. She is the head fuzzy butt in charge around these here parts and fuckin' with her could be seriously bad for your health. I just loved how the goose shuddered itself for a second and then just walked away as if to say "Oh! It's you! You um... you look different from the back."
Frankly, and honestly, with no hyperbole or exaggeration... I LOL'd.
That's our Fancy.
With one little hiss, Fancy explained to the geese that while she had no problem with them being in the lawn, she was the boss applesauce. She is the head fuzzy butt in charge around these here parts and fuckin' with her could be seriously bad for your health. I just loved how the goose shuddered itself for a second and then just walked away as if to say "Oh! It's you! You um... you look different from the back."
Frankly, and honestly, with no hyperbole or exaggeration... I LOL'd.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Movies I bought
I bought Black Belt Jones, along with three other Blaxploitation
(or as the box calls them 'urban') movies and 10 Spaghetti Westerns
tonight. Syd says I am my father’s son. I say that one of the westerns has Ringo (Mutha fuckin') Starr in it and both sets were cheaper than the Amazon price actually. Saved about $7 by getting them at Best Buy... which is sort of interesting.
Probably a few Retroflix Reviews coming out of this.
(or as the box calls them 'urban') movies and 10 Spaghetti Westerns tonight. Syd says I am my father’s son. I say that one of the westerns has Ringo (Mutha fuckin') Starr in it and both sets were cheaper than the Amazon price actually. Saved about $7 by getting them at Best Buy... which is sort of interesting.Probably a few Retroflix Reviews coming out of this.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
We can’t ban guns yet, some politicians are still alive.
I really hate election years.
So, I was sleeping right. Actually sleeping. In bed and everything. I was having a wonderful sleep for four glorious hours… when the doorbell rings. I decide it must be some delivery and try to go back to sleep. But then the bell rings again, and AGAIN! Must be a package I need to sign for. So I rush down stairs, if only to stop the swinging and the ringing of the bells, bells, bells. Of the bells, bells, bells, bells!
So I get down stairs, and what do I see? Some jackass who wants to be county commissioner. Now the guy can clearly see me, in my torn t-shirt, my pajama pants, my hair going in 937 different directions and my eyes which are clearly resenting this being open bullshit. So the guy sees me and I know he does because he apologizes for pulling me out of something.
Now, a human being would have said sorry, handed me a note, and walked away. This guys isn’t a human being though, he’s a republican. Well, former republican because he’s running as an independent. I guess the party chose a tea-bagger who has seen the inside of more prisons than I’ve seen the inside of gummi bear bags. I know, because he told me. He told me many things over the course of the next seven hours as he talked and talked, and talked and talked and talked. An endless stream of stats and promises and the rolling and tolling of the bells. Of the bells, bells, bells; of the bells, bells, bells, bells!
Now you may ask, why I didn’t just tell him to piss off, or slam the door in his face. Well, I had just been woken up and it honestly didn’t occur to me. What was occurring to me was that the closet with the weapons was right next to me. I could have opened the door a crack, grabbed the tire thumper and let him know how I felt. That seemed like too much effort though. I thought he’d be done soon, but he kept going on and on and on.
So he left eventually and I was allowed to go back to bed, but of course sleep was beyond me at that point. This happened hours ago, but I had to sit and weep for a while about having a nice sleep spoiled and then consider my vengeance. This is all I could come up with.
If you vote for Will Molnar for Oakland County Commissioner, he will ruin your sleep and probably rape your pets. I suspect he’s probably the sort of person who read Twilight as well, so fuck him.
So, I was sleeping right. Actually sleeping. In bed and everything. I was having a wonderful sleep for four glorious hours… when the doorbell rings. I decide it must be some delivery and try to go back to sleep. But then the bell rings again, and AGAIN! Must be a package I need to sign for. So I rush down stairs, if only to stop the swinging and the ringing of the bells, bells, bells. Of the bells, bells, bells, bells!
So I get down stairs, and what do I see? Some jackass who wants to be county commissioner. Now the guy can clearly see me, in my torn t-shirt, my pajama pants, my hair going in 937 different directions and my eyes which are clearly resenting this being open bullshit. So the guy sees me and I know he does because he apologizes for pulling me out of something.
Now, a human being would have said sorry, handed me a note, and walked away. This guys isn’t a human being though, he’s a republican. Well, former republican because he’s running as an independent. I guess the party chose a tea-bagger who has seen the inside of more prisons than I’ve seen the inside of gummi bear bags. I know, because he told me. He told me many things over the course of the next seven hours as he talked and talked, and talked and talked and talked. An endless stream of stats and promises and the rolling and tolling of the bells. Of the bells, bells, bells; of the bells, bells, bells, bells!
Now you may ask, why I didn’t just tell him to piss off, or slam the door in his face. Well, I had just been woken up and it honestly didn’t occur to me. What was occurring to me was that the closet with the weapons was right next to me. I could have opened the door a crack, grabbed the tire thumper and let him know how I felt. That seemed like too much effort though. I thought he’d be done soon, but he kept going on and on and on.
So he left eventually and I was allowed to go back to bed, but of course sleep was beyond me at that point. This happened hours ago, but I had to sit and weep for a while about having a nice sleep spoiled and then consider my vengeance. This is all I could come up with.
If you vote for Will Molnar for Oakland County Commissioner, he will ruin your sleep and probably rape your pets. I suspect he’s probably the sort of person who read Twilight as well, so fuck him.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Bird's Nest Soup
Who was the first person to decide to eat bird's nest soup? It’s can’t be hunger, because there are birds RIGHT THERE! Why eat the nest when you can eat the birds?
All I can think is you've got the Emperor of China sitting around and saying... "*Sigh* I'm bored of lark's tongues and jellied squid brains. I want something... I dunno... different. I wish someone could get me something new. I'm tired of the same of stuff."
And you've got this poor cook, sitting there with that look, you know? “But... but... but... It took me weeks to work out jellied squid brains.”
And his assistant comes in with this little shell of bird’s nest. “Have you seen this? Comes from Singapore.”
“What is it?”
“Some kind of nest or something.”
“What’s it made from?”
“Swiftlet puke, mostly.”
“Is it easy to get?”
“No, it’s really expensive. Don’t know why anyone would bother gathering it.”
“GIMME!”
“What?”
“SOUP! I’ll show that inbred so-and-so!”
And thus bird’s nest soup was born.
All I can think is you've got the Emperor of China sitting around and saying... "*Sigh* I'm bored of lark's tongues and jellied squid brains. I want something... I dunno... different. I wish someone could get me something new. I'm tired of the same of stuff."
And you've got this poor cook, sitting there with that look, you know? “But... but... but... It took me weeks to work out jellied squid brains.”
And his assistant comes in with this little shell of bird’s nest. “Have you seen this? Comes from Singapore.”
“What is it?”
“Some kind of nest or something.”
“What’s it made from?”
“Swiftlet puke, mostly.”
“Is it easy to get?”
“No, it’s really expensive. Don’t know why anyone would bother gathering it.”
“GIMME!”
“What?”
“SOUP! I’ll show that inbred so-and-so!”
And thus bird’s nest soup was born.
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