World War Two: The Short Version

Syd wants to buy a video camera just so she can record me talking about World War Two for five minutes and put it up on the internet.

We’ve sort of got a script because it’s a stock explanation.
The following contains harsh language and unacceptable national stereotypes.It also contains spoilers for how World War Two ends. Just in case you needed a heads up there.
World War Two went like this…

Act One
Germany: I want to own Europe
Italy: I want to ride Germany’s coattails.
Japan: I want to own Asia
England: I say! P.G. Wodehouse sure is a funny fellow, isn’t he?
America: Could you keep it down? I’ve got a headache and I’m a little depressed.

Act Two
Germany: Ima claim Poland!
England: Um… you can’t do that.
Germany: Can. Watch me!
England: I say!
Germany: Ima take the Sudetenland next.
England: France, say something.
France: *Puffs cigarette* Who cares? We’re all going to die anyway.
England: If you don’t stop this really quite sharpish I’ll… I’ll… Well I’ll jolly well write a strongly worded letter to The Times.
America: Keep it down over there!
Japan: *Acts like a pack of COMPLETE psychos*

Act Three
Germany: Put ‘em up France. You gonna fight or what?
France: *puffs cigarette* Fuck this! We give up. *puts up hands, lowers them to puff at cigarette again* I’m sure surrenduring this one time won’t produce a national stereotype that will follow us for years.
England: What? Good Lord! France has surrendeured. That leaves… just us. Damn! Well, we’ll fight on!
Germany: Oh yes?
England: Yeah! Backs to the wall, stiff upper lip, the armada and all that.
Germany: um… yeah. Gonna hafta smack you like a bitch I think.
Germany tries to bitch slap England, but England don’t go down like no bitch.
England: Pip pip, mothafucka!
Germany: Fuck! Change of plans, let’s fuck with Russia instead.
Russia: Oh no you didn’t!
Japan: *Keeps on acting like a pack of COMPLETE psychos*
America: KEEP! IT! DOWN!

Act Four (the reckonin’)
Japan: Ima fuck with America. *fucks up Pearl Harbor’s shit but good*
America: *Looks at the shattered remains of Pearl Harbor and quietly walks back into the house*
Japan: Yeah! That’s right bitch! You go back in the house and make me a sammich!
Germany: Make me a sammich too bitch.
England: Oh dear, he didn’t look happy.
America: *Kicks open the door holding biggest pair of guns ye hath ever seen* I SAID KEEP IT DOWN! I just wanted some peace and quiet. But NOOOOO! Some motherfucker had to go and fuck with me. Now! NOW! Now I’m going to kill every last one of you fucks!
Italy: Meep!
America: BOOM! *Shoots Italy in the face*
Germany: Um…
America: BOOM! *shoots Germany in the gut*
Russia: Aight muddafucka! Ima take this bitch.
America: Go for it.
Germany: Oh shi…
Russia: *CURBSTOMP!*
America: Who wants some?
Japan: Meep!
America: BOOM! *shoots Japan in the face* BOOM! *Aaaand again*
Russia: Right on.
America: *Punches Russia in the mouth*
Russia: The fuck?
America: I’m in a fightin’ mood now. Killed the Nazis, now I’ll take out the commies. I said I’m gonna kill fuckin’ everybody and I meant it.
England: This can’t be good. *munches spam for like… the next forty years*

The Henry Ford Museum (March 26, 2010)

As Sallah said to Indy "Bad Dates"

Can I ask a question of everyone? I hope so, because I'm going to.

I was asked a question the other day and it made me wonder if men and women don't see this differently. Someone asked what my worst dating experience was, and I really couldn't think of one. It's not that I've never had a bad date or anything, but a “Worst Ever” experience? Nothing comes to mind.

It got me thinking. I've heard girl talking about bad dates, and when you get them going, you can get some real horror stories. Guys don't seem to have that so much though. I know one or two guys who have dated complete psychos, but usually he’s stuck in a relationship with her instead of one or two dates.

This is my experience anyway.

Is it because guys do most the asking? Is there some sort of buffer for guys? Is it that we see a girl who looks like a bunny boiler and we don’t even approach? I’ve found myself wondering about this for like two days now, because it seems odd that I can’t remember but one or two tales from guys. Those stories are normally told in the back room with an air of “Gather round lads, I have a cautionary tale to tell…” and almost always, any given guy only has one story. The assumption I’ve always carried is that a guy learns his lesson and avoids the crazy after that.

As I say though, it tends to be an on going relationship. Even if it’s just that said girl has become obsessed and wants to wear our skin like a costume, it’s an ongoing stalking we have to worry about instead of just one bad date. Or is it possible I'm too forgiving, too kind, too careful, and too mentally maladjusted to the point where fear is something that happens to other people?

What I want to know is, do guys have horrific dating stories? And if they do, are there more than one or two?

Photo Everyday (014)

The Henry Ford Museum (March 26, 2010)

Photo Everyday (013)

Jack & Jill (Part Fourteen)

Jack & Jill (A Love Story)

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay

 

 

Read last week’s entry here.

 Part Fourteen: Cole King’s Confession

 

            I’ve been told by my lawyer that I need to write out this confession for my plea bargain. I’m supposed to write down everything that happened, so that they can have it on record or something. I don’t know why I can’t just tell the shyster or something, but I’ll manage. I can use a computer, I can type. My lawyer keeps telling me that it’s got to me in my own words or something. Whatever.

 

            I’ll start with the little bitch, because that’s what I’m supposed to be pleading to anyway. I understand that now that she’s back home she’s been claiming I kidnapped her and that I raped her and I stole her away from home. They also say I shot that detective, tried to kill him. That’s bullshit right there.

 

            I’ve been fucking her whenever I’ve been in town since her 13^th birthday, and she started it by the way. At that party her dad threw for her, she came and saw me in the pool house late at night, after everyone had gone to bed. She looked so hot in her little red swimsuit, and she started striping it off while I watched. She blew me right there in my chair, did me in the hot tub, and she weren’t no virgin when I started with her let me tell you that. Little bitch was a slut long before I got there.

 

            I’ve still got all the txt’s that she sent me still on my phone, where she begs me to come get her and save her. She said it was horrible being there, she said she was being choked to death or some shit. I’ve got the records of all those IM conversations when she came asking me to come get her and take her back with me to my place. A year and a half that went on, with her telling me how she wanted me inside her, and how great it would be if we could be together, and all the things we’d do when she was with me.

 

            So yeah, I went up there and got her. She had a bag ready, so I was only there a couple of minutes. We didn’t want to attract a lot of attention, so we drove back down there instead of taking a flight. It wasn’t because I was trying to keep her secret or anything, it was just that we were worried people might think something was wrong with us flying together. Flyings a bitch anymore anyway. Fucking people won’t even let you take a fuckin water bottle on a fuckin flight no more. Some damn towel heads pull some shit and a decent American can’t take a fucking bottle on a plane, ain’t that some shit?

 

            I didn’t tie her up, and I didn’t leave her in the back seat with a sack over her head. The only times I did that shit is when she wanted it, she was a kinky little cunt. I had her right next to me, in the front seat where we could play road games. She’d blow me as I drove along, I’d finger her while the miles clicked by, it was fun. She was so beautiful, sitting there in the front seat smiling at me. She sat naked all the way through West Virginia, just so I could look at her as we drove. She just kept a blanket she could throw over herself in case a cop drove by or something.

 

            It was after we got to Texas that thing started to go wrong. She started missing home or some shit, I don’t know. Then that detective guy started poking into what was going on in Georgia and I had to straighten that shit out too. If he’d stayed away from the damn wet-backs it wouldn’t have been a problem, or I suppose if the Fiddlers hadn’t been sot damn stupid.

 

            Yeah, we hired illegal wet backs, you try and get white people to pick the damn peppers for Piper to pickle and still make a fuckin’ profit. If I can point out to you, it ain’t just us either. Everybody fuckin does it. Still, that ain’t the issue here. What happened to them poor wet backs ain’t got nothing to do with me anyway. I was at home that whole time and what the Fiddlers did down there is on  them. I didn’t have nothing to do with any of it.

 

            We did have to go to the plantation, so I could keep an eye on things. If I didn’t, then the fiddlers would have killed all them little spicks. I guess that’s what led them down there in the first place, taht’s what I heard anyway. If that detective could talk, he’d tell you all about it, but it sounds like he might not ever do any talking ever. Shame, ‘cause he’d tell you all about when the little bitch told him about how she planned everything to make sure she wouldn’t get in any trouble.

 

            I don’t know how she did what she did with the cell phone and computer stuff. She told me when they she started to get on my nerves that if anything happened to her she made sure I’d go up forever on a kiddie rape rap. That’s stupid because she had to know I kept records, even if she managed to get things removed or whatever the hell she did.

 

            I’ll cop to taking her out of state to fuck her, but that’s what she wanted me to do. She asked me to do that for her. She said we’d be together. She came on to me, I want that fully understood. I couldn’t never have kidnapped her and I couldn’t never have raped her cause she wanted it. Bitch was randy as hell, had me stick it in every hole too. She loved it. She was a fucking whore. She only changed her tune when she knew that the fuckin’ detective was on to her. Then all the sudden I was a horrible person who kept her in a cage in the basement or some shit.

 

            I never did none of that shit. I just took her when she wanted to go and let her stay with me. I didn’t hurt her, I never hurt nobody. I never done nothing to nobody, not never.

 

            I got the wet backs into the country, but I never hit none of them and I didn’t kill anybody. I never shot anybody, the little bitch shot that detective fellah. Yeah, I followed them when that fucker broke into my place and shot at me. He snatched her away, I thought he was gonna kill her some thing. How the fuck do I know he’s hired by her daddy to come get her?

 

            So I came after them, and yeah, I shot Piper, but the fucker had it coming. He fucked up everything, and he shot at me first so fuck him. He ain’t dead, he’s just hurt in the leg a little. Fucker should be glad I didn’t shoot him in the balls like I was planning. Fuckin faggit got off light I can tell you that.

 

            I never did nothing wrong, not ever. I’ve always been an upstanding guy, done what was right. All these fuckers are just out to get me cause I fucked the little bitch, and I only did that cause she fuckin’ begged me to. That bitch was a little whore, and the fuckin detecive was a goddamn fucking psyco. I don’t desrve this shit. I never did nothing to no one.