Once again, for a friend, I'm putting together a quick list of Holiday Specials I don't hate for people who can’t spew bile as well as I do but still would like to watch something. My standard for acceptance here is that none of these send me into a blind rage of stabbity proportions...
The "Good!"
A Christmas Story which I'll always put near the top, even though I still haven't reviewed it. If I get Big Blue back in order before December is over I'll do it this year.
Scrooge, the 1951 Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol, and the 1984 George C. Scott version of A Christmas Carol both get in the good column.
Will Vinton's A Claymation Christmas Celebration: Good claymation, good music, only seriously misfires once.
The Simpsons’ Christmas Special because I love the sense of pathos they manage to produce in this first episode ever.
If you get the Rugrats Holiday Celebration you'll end up with some good stuff and some eh stuff. The Chanukah special and The Santa Experience are both good. I'm not so keen on the other stuff, mostly it's not bad though. I'm not a fan of the show after Dill shows up frankly.
The "Eh"
For TV episodes... The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees, Chef! "A Bird in the Hand" and A Nero Wolfe Mystery: Christmas Party. All three of these are cheats because they're part of a TV show and you sort of have to buy the whole season to get the one program, but what the hell, you could bit-torrent it.
Rowan Atkinson is okay in Merry Christmas Mr. Bean and Blackadder's Christmas Carol but I don't jump up and down for either of them.
The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident is okay the first time, but it can't be counted as an annual favorite. It falls under the same problem as the other episodes.
And the "Maybe"
Now I like Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, but I despise anything with Elmo in it. Elmo ruined Sesame Street, and while you're free to disagree, you are wrong if you do so. I hate that an ensemble cast like that got turned into the Elmo show, fucking Elmo. Jar Jar Binks ain't got shit on Elmo.
I also like It's a Wonderful Red Green Christmas, but if you don't dig Red Green you won't like this. You can only watch it once every three years or so.
Then you've got all the things that take place during the holiday season, but aren't actually Christmas movies.
Of course anime has a whole lot of holiday specials, but I feel that would be opening a door that's best left shut really.
Friday, December 5, 2008
I'm just a little sick in the head.
I self-amuse easily. AMUSE! Not abuse.
...
Preverts!
Hell, most of you are post-verts at this point.
Hard Boiled Christmas (Day Five)
Hard Boiled Christmas
A Jack Collier Mystery
By Brett N. Lashuay
Day Five: The Car and The Agents
I followed Noonan’s car out to
That’s
The section of
I knew that something was up as soon as the small party store came into view. There was a small German car parked in the small black topped parking lot, with four huge black SUVs surrounding it like linebackers looking to gang rape the last cheerleader on earth. There were also the agents skulking around the parking lot, crouched down like birds looking for crumbs of bread, only to find that what they thought was a piece of hamburger bun was actually a cigarette butt.
We couldn’t actually get into the parking, because of the state trooper that had parked across the entrance, so we parked on the street. We walked to where said state trooper was talking with some other detectives and police officers. There was a mixture of uniforms and plains clothes standing around, watching the agents with mistrust. No one trusts the Government agents, because the government agents don’t trust anyone else. The Agents also wore their uniforms as well. They were never out of uniform though, not ever. The lower ranks had white shirts and black ties with the navy blue coats that had the name of their agency in yellow letter on the back. If I ever run into an agent that dresses in anything other than the standard suits and jackets then I’ll probably end up in bed with them out of sheer confusion. I just hope the agent that changes from the dress code is a woman, and a cute one for preference.
As we got out of our cars, both groups looked at us warily. I didn’t see a lot of familiar faces, which meant everyone was watching me with trepidation. I could have been anybody, and a man in a suit who isn’t being belligerent from the word go is a problem in situations like this. Anytime the new arrival approaches quietly, it either means trouble or it means that someone was being dragged along to be forced to look at something.
“Hello Noonan.” Lieutenant Rowcliffe said as the two of us approached.
“Jack Collier guys.” Noonan said. “He’s the private guy who worked with Christmas in the past.”
They all relaxed upon hearing my real profession. When two guys in suits came in an unmarked, but clearly official police car, the group had smartened up a bit. When it because clear that they were just dealing with a detective and a gumshoe, they relaxed again. They then went through the process of checking for my name in their heads, and then the process of judging me by what they probably saw as my accomplishments. Christmas had still been seen as the most desirable woman around when I was with her after all.
“What do we know?” Noonan asked to get everyone’s minds back on work.
“Well, the store owner said the car wasn’t here when he got here, but that it was about an hour ago.” One of the uniformed officers said. “The driver’s door was open and the keys were in the ignition. He says the purse was on the passenger seat and when he checked the wallet, he found Christmas’s driver’s license and called it into the locals. I heard it on the radio and came by as well. We confirmed it and then the feds got here and shooed everyone away.”
“And then we all came along too.” Rowcliffe said.
“Just dumped then?” Noonan asked.
“I would say so.” The trooper said. “Of course I could be wrong, but I think that car has been cleaned of everything it would have ever offered in the way of clues.”
“Probably right.” I said. “But what say we go over and look at it.”
“Feds won’t let you.” Rowcliffe said glancing at me.
“Let’s go try anyway.” I said walking towards the small German car.
“Stop right there.” An agent that looked to be about fifteen said.
He stood from his bird-like crouch, ran ten paces and then held out his hand like he was a traffic cop. I’m not exactly sure what reaction he expected to get, but I think he was trying to terrify me with his federalness. Since it takes a little more than a vat grown agent who hasn’t started to shave to intimidate me, I kept walking. Noonan, noticing that I kept going, kept up the pace behind me.
“Hey!” The young agent yelled as I passed him.
It’s interesting how quick those little agents can move when threatened. They formed a wall of prepubescent flesh before us, their huge mirrored sunglasses nearly blinding us as they shifted their heads to reflect the sun. I wondered again when these agents started being younger than me. It was like teenagers, at some point they all started being so many years younger than me. It didn’t used to be that way. It used to be teenagers were about the same age, or only a little younger than me. Now they were half my age, how the hell does something like that happen?
“What’s going on?” A voice I recognized half squeaked.
I recognized the voice immediately and it just made me want to start punching. I always thought teasing Agent Smith about his name was funny, because all the agents look the same and Smith is such a common cliché name. There was something about being such a bland character to the extent that the name itself made me laugh. Of course then the Matrix came out and everyone started in on that and after that the joke sort of stopped being funny. Now I’ve got to find other ways to tease Smith.
His narrow face, with the huge mirrored sunglasses poked out from between the young scrawny agents and looked right at me. His face became a deep scowl, and I could see that when he got older he would be one of those old men who always seemed to be scowling, whether he was or not. He would scowl though, because he enjoyed scowling. He wasn’t happy to see me, and I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see him either.
“Collier.” His voice hissed like something that slithered on the ground and bit the ankles of those that stood on two feet. This would probably be the most accurate description of Agent Smith I could make if only there was a way to add those stupid mirrored sunglasses he and all agents insist on wearing.
“Hello Smith.” I said.
“This is a federal investigation.” Smith snapped. “Just because you’ve been around before doesn’t mean you can stick your nose in. Stay out of our way or I’ll have you busted so fast your head will spin.”
I took in a deep breath, which caused my chest to swell. This is one of the ways I tease Smith now that I’ve been robbed of the name thing. His chest can’t expand like mine, he doesn’t have a muscle mass I do. I tucked my head down while doing it, so as to look more menacing. I then took a step forward and as I had expected, the government’s courage held up like it always did. All the agents took a step back as I stepped forward, which is impressive when you consider ten of them were standing in formation.
“Smith.” I growled in a way that let him know that if he was a snake I was a mongoose. “This might be your investigation, but it’s my town. I’ve kicked your ass out of here before and if needs be, I can do it again.”
“You’re not going to get to that car.” Agent Smith hissed again, and if he had neck flaps, he would have flashed them. “You come another step and my men will arrest you.”
I took another step, and instead of arrest there was another demonstration of close rank retreating. I really wanted to shoot it out with the Agents, but I didn’t actually have a gun on me. If you’re going to suggest a gunfight, it’s pretty bad form to then ask if someone can loan you a pistol because you forgot yours at home. I might not be the best subject for study when it comes to etiquette, but I know that much.
So instead of shooting it out with the agents, I decided that I’d made my point about the extra step and turned around. I looked at Noonan as I began to walk away, and he turned and walked next to me. I looked at him and he looked back at me and smiled.
“It was dumped.” Noonan said loud enough for them to hear. “They only protect things like that when they don’t want anyone to know how much time their wasting with a useless prospect.
“Yeah.” I said looking over my shoulder at them.
“What do you think you’ll do to start then?”
“I think I’ll go see Solstice.” I scratched my chin. “Like I said, the start of the story.”
“I’ll see you later then.” He said.
“Yeah.” I turned back to see that the agents still hadn’t moved to gain back the ground they’d lost. They were going to wait until I was gone, which was fine with me.
I got into my car and drove back onto M59, pulling out my cell phone when I got on the highway. I noticed the chocolate brown Buick a few cars back as I started to drive and dialed Solstice’s number. After a few rings, her voice came over.
“Hello?”
“Hi Solstice.” I said. “It’s Jack, how are you doing?”
“Have you heard?” She asked.
“I heard.” I said.
“Terrible, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I agreed. “Are you busy today? I’d like to stop by and talk about it.”
“I’m not busy.” Her voice was still oddly cheerful in the face of sorrows, but that was just how her voice worked. “When would you get here?”
“In about an hour.” I said. “Maybe an hour and a half.”
“Well in that case I’ll have lunch ready for you when you get here.” She said, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I’ll be there in a little while then.” I said watching the brown car in the rear view mirror.
I wondered for a moment how long he was willing to trail me. What kind of mileage did that Buick get? Would he have enough gas? Did he have any donuts? I decided that I would see how long he could try and follow me as we went down I-96. How long would his patience hold up? For that matter how long before he’d have to pull over and get more donuts?
This is part five of twenty-five, come back tomorrow for part six and every day this month until we're done to see what happens next. If you get lost, one of the tags here should help you. The HBC tag will take you to the story while the Jack Tag will take you to Part One of every story we post here.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Movie Review: The Muppet Christmas Carol
In the review I reposted last night, someone mentioned that they would rather watch The Muppet Christmas Carol than most the things I was spewing bile at. Actually, the sort of suggested that they would like to spew hate and eloquence like I do, which is sort of sweet in a sick kind of way.
ANYWAY!
I happened to review The Muppet Christmas Carol last year when I was doing the other reviews. But I don’t think you’ll like this review as much if you liked the other ones. See, it’s hard to admit this, but I like this movie. Yes, it confirms your faith that I don’t hate everything in the whole wide world, but it makes for less thrilling reading. Let’s be honest, people like it when I’m swinging a cleaver around and just hacking at something with hate in my heart and cola in my belly.
HOWEVER! I think this is probably the only review of this movie you'll find with a Silence of the Lamb reference in it.
Still, I like the review,
Dude, how long have those people been there?
This is the only live action version of The Christmas Carol that I don't refer to by the actor playing Scrooge. I refer to it by its title, because Michael Caine just isn't as memorable as the Muppets are. There's nothing wrong with his performance, but Caine is just nothing special compared to a lot of the puppets on display here. I would be willing to see him play the part again against an all human cast but, here he greatly gets lost in the shuffle against all the felt and effects. If I have a problem with this version, it's that it feels like we've been here before. That’s not much of a problem though, as this is a family version and to some extent you sort of don’t really want surprises. Even though this movie contains what is possibly my favorite innovation as far as a movie based on A Christmas Carol is concerned.
You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out...
Disney had already done a version of the tale, recasting their stock of characters to fit into the story nine years before. That caused me problems when the movie first came out and I must be honest and tell you I didn't see this in the theaters because of that. It was the first movie to come after Jim Henson's death and it was being released by Disney of all places. Disney and respect for legacy didn’t exactly go hand in hand in my mind at the time. Even now I don’t really associate them. It just felt like it was all kinds of wrong. I think even now I can be forgiven for thinking this thing had train wreck written all over it. It's not a train wreck though. Actually, it's pretty good. In fact, it's really good. Is it the best version? No. Is it the most accurate version? Not exactly. Is it the version I would want to watch with a child? Absolutely.
We just want to be in the movie, just for a minute
Like all the best versions, this version contains a lot of the actual lines from the book, including several parts of the narration that don't normally end up in the movies. That is because of what I must say is the most ingenious devices used in one of these movies. It's often said you shouldn't try to remake a classic unless you're going to bring something new to the table. Now one might think that bringing state of the art puppets and effects that hadn't been done before would be enough, but the scriptwriter here didn't think so. The really great device used is that they include Gonzo playing Charles Dickens with Rizo the Rat to act as foil. Instead of being a distraction, they really help to engage you into the story. I’m not sure how kids feel about it, but most the adults I know like the addition. I think because everything else was so wacky, they had to ground the script into the book as much as they could. It's a risky idea, but they made it work.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
The credits are shown over a really great model of Victorian London that will be used through out the production. A lot of love and care when into trying to make this movie look bigger than it is, since it was made on a fairly small scale really, and for the most part it works. After the credits, we get Gonzo and Rizo introducing us the story and giving us the gist of what's going on and how this is going to go. There are a lot of Muppet cameos from all over the Muppet cannon and there is a pretty good integration between Muppet and humans. Not perfect of course, because there is only so much you can do with the two groups and performing on a set that has holes that lead to a six foot drop has got to play merry hell on actor’s nerves. Yeah, the stage was raised six feet so the Muppet performers could perform under the stage, creating big holes in the floor that the human actors had to try and avoid while looking like they were just walking normally.
Sooo cold.
This is a musical version, like all Muppet movies, and the first song starts almost immediately. The song is just an introduction to the character of Scrooge, nice but nothing special. Strangely, I don’t hate the songs here, which is a minor miracle in itself if the pope is counting up Paul Williams’ tally any time soon. Almost all the singers in this movie are Muppets, although Scrooge jumps in on one or two songs and in the longer version (more on that later) there is a young woman who sings. The Muppets are being done by a lot of people at the top of their game and I think there are more Muppets in this movie than there have been in any other movie. It's the best technical work I've seen done by any of the previous Muppet productions.
Oh no, I forgot the safeword!
Kermit plays Bob Cratchit here, which always left me seeing shades of Mickey, but he's not the sole clark in this version. The rats from Muppets take Manhattan are here helping out. The rats encourage Bob to ask for more coal and will encourage him to do other things later. Fred shows up, and he's a person! I would have liked to see Fred be a Muppet, but that’s probably wishing for miscegenation. Fortunately, this is not the kind of Fred that I want to hit with a shovel, in fact I have no feelings about him at all. Check points are taken care of with a fairly swift hand. The Charitable gentlemen, played by Bunsen and Beaker come and go. Bean Bunny shows up as a begging caroler who gets beaned by a wreath.
I'm cute... but creepy
We then get the whole day conversation, and then a very nice song about Christmas Eve. I like the song, it’s a really good song. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got to say about it. The song starts with them cleaning up the office and then walking through the street of London. It also manages to end on a sad and character building moment. After the song, when everyone goes to their respective homes, we're given a final shot of poor Bean shivering in a box on the street. I never fail to notice that bit.
DUDE! It's working! I'm like huge man!
We get a lot of business trying to get Gonzo and Rizo into the house so they can tell the story. This will go on for a while, but it's always amusing. While they do that the Marleys (yes two of them) show up. Jacob and Robert Marley are played by Statler and Waldorf, basically acting like themselves. They're presented as transparent ghosts like they should be. I love that the call Scrooge for the lousiness of the "more gravy than grave" pun before they sing their song. The section is actually somewhat creepy, with the singing cashboxes floating with them and then drag the Marleys away into the darkness. Not too much for kids, but creepy enough. Besides as they say in the movie it's okay because this is culture. I love the conceit of that that line. It’s okay to scare the living crap out of kids if you can tell them it’s a cultural thing. That is so awesome!
Oh man, now I'm tiny like a mouse.
The Ghost of Christmas Past is a floating child of a rod puppet. She was suspended in oil to give the ethereal floating effect she has in the movie. She's more like a floating sheet than anything from the book, but I think it's forgivable because it's such gorgeous work. Most the past is represented as it should be. We see Scrooge as a child at school, we see Scrooge being lonely, and the room falling apart. We get Sam the Eagle plays his schoolmaster sending him off to his first job. Another song is on the soundtrack but was cut from the movie. Fan isn't in this version at all, and it's up to you to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If we agree that this is primarily a kid's movie, I think it can be forgiven. The idea that Scrooge's coldness to his nephew being blamed on the death of his sister might be a little complex for kids. I’m not a big fan of dumbing things down for kids, I rather take them head on and let them fight it out. However, it’s not REALLY needed here is it? This one time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Um... I got nothing.
Fezziwig is made into Fozzywig, and see if you can guess who was cast in the part. Yeah, it's Fozzy Bear, you get a cookie. The party scene has a lot of random Muppets walking around, and some from older shows, including Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem and even The Swedish Chef. It's here that we meet Belle, and right after we meet, she walks out of his life. In the fullscreen version of the movie she sings a fairly nice song before she goes. It wasn't in the theatrical version so she just walks off without ceremony in the widescreen version after telling Scrooge that he’s turned into a greedy miser to be type. Shades of the song Belle sang are in the movie, but it's only a few notes. Also, Rizo cries.
A singing frog? I bet you could use him to sell frog's legs.
Christmas Present is a large suit muppet and possibly the most cheerful version of that ghost. Even when forced to be cranky, he's still cheery and playful. Christmas Present is one of those suit puppets that I seem to remember uses camera’s in the eyes. The actor’s eyes are actually about seven inches down so they put a camera in the puppet’s eye socket and then pout tiny monitors right in front of the performer’s eyes so that the puppet’s eyeline always matches properly. They started it on Fraggle Rock. The spirit sings a song that sort of explains his entire thesis about how great Christmas is. This song is delivered while they walk around the London set. Using green screen, they manage to put the Spirit into every celebration, including tiny mouse puppets. I like my Christmas Present to be half happy and half ready to slap Scrooge into the mid 1950s, but this one is so jolly and happy I give him a pass.
Seriously, you have got to try this stuff.
We go to Fred's house first and they play a quick game where Scrooge gets insulted. Then we're taken to the Cratchit house, and pretty much all that this entails, which includes another song. I don’t love this song, but I can deal with it. Miss Piggy is cast as Emily Cratchit and Robin is set as Tiny Tim. The Spirit then becomes old and snowy haired and vanishes in sparkles and thus comes the ghost of the future. The music changes, mist rolls in, creep factor goes to eleven. So scared are Rizo and Gonzo that they abandon us and hide out until the end. Can you believe that? They actually ditch us!
Next week he'll be playing a Nazgul
The Christmas Future is a large robed figure, fitting the book mostly. I really like that in this future it rains instead of snows. The gentlemen talking about the dead man are played by pigs huddled under umbrellas. Old Joe is played by a spider that I think I've seen elsewhere but can't place and we've got the full set of players for the parts. I like that they have Scrooge explicitly say that he doesn't understand that it's him their talking about. We then get to the Cratchit house, and learn of Tim's death. Then we see the gravestone and the break down, which doesn't come off as well as it might have.
Wait, hold the horror, I've gotta sneeze.
Then we're given another song which more or less replaces the Scrooge transformation scene. Instead of him going to each person and having a vignette, the song does all the work in montage form. Bean Bunny gets to be the boy who gets the turkey for Scrooge. Scrooge sings his song, walks in, hugs Fred, walks out again. Instead of waiting for the next morning, Scrooge shows up at Bob Cratchit's house and gives him the raised salary speech. We then get the last bit of narration and then another song. And for some reason, Fred and the entire Muppet cast shows up in Bob Cratchit's house, and then crowd outside of it. It's a nice final moment for everyone, I guess. I don’t know why Fred shows up, maybe he just wanted to sing with Muppets. Fred always bugs me anyway.
Let’s just assume I put a cocaine joke here okay?
As I said before, this is the best version of the story for kids. Some adults might have a problem here or there, but I think there is enough charm in the movie to forgive those moments. Now I've got two DVDs of this movie. One is the fullscreen version with some specials and a commentary. The other has both full and widescreen versions with different specials but the same commentary on the fullscreen version.
Who loves ya baby?
There are a lot of things I forgive in this version that I wouldn’t normally forgive. It’s not so much because it’s the Muppets, but rather because the things that are changed are played with such charm that I can’t help but smile. If you like A Christmas Carol, you could do a lot worse than watching this version. Believe me, I did 7 reviews last year so I can name at least two places where you could do much, much worse than this. Actually, I can name four but as two of those didn’t get reviewed I’ll spare the mud. Besides, I might need to sling it later.
ANYWAY!
I happened to review The Muppet Christmas Carol last year when I was doing the other reviews. But I don’t think you’ll like this review as much if you liked the other ones. See, it’s hard to admit this, but I like this movie. Yes, it confirms your faith that I don’t hate everything in the whole wide world, but it makes for less thrilling reading. Let’s be honest, people like it when I’m swinging a cleaver around and just hacking at something with hate in my heart and cola in my belly.
HOWEVER! I think this is probably the only review of this movie you'll find with a Silence of the Lamb reference in it.
Still, I like the review,
Dude, how long have those people been there?
This is the only live action version of The Christmas Carol that I don't refer to by the actor playing Scrooge. I refer to it by its title, because Michael Caine just isn't as memorable as the Muppets are. There's nothing wrong with his performance, but Caine is just nothing special compared to a lot of the puppets on display here. I would be willing to see him play the part again against an all human cast but, here he greatly gets lost in the shuffle against all the felt and effects. If I have a problem with this version, it's that it feels like we've been here before. That’s not much of a problem though, as this is a family version and to some extent you sort of don’t really want surprises. Even though this movie contains what is possibly my favorite innovation as far as a movie based on A Christmas Carol is concerned.
You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out...
Disney had already done a version of the tale, recasting their stock of characters to fit into the story nine years before. That caused me problems when the movie first came out and I must be honest and tell you I didn't see this in the theaters because of that. It was the first movie to come after Jim Henson's death and it was being released by Disney of all places. Disney and respect for legacy didn’t exactly go hand in hand in my mind at the time. Even now I don’t really associate them. It just felt like it was all kinds of wrong. I think even now I can be forgiven for thinking this thing had train wreck written all over it. It's not a train wreck though. Actually, it's pretty good. In fact, it's really good. Is it the best version? No. Is it the most accurate version? Not exactly. Is it the version I would want to watch with a child? Absolutely.
We just want to be in the movie, just for a minute
Like all the best versions, this version contains a lot of the actual lines from the book, including several parts of the narration that don't normally end up in the movies. That is because of what I must say is the most ingenious devices used in one of these movies. It's often said you shouldn't try to remake a classic unless you're going to bring something new to the table. Now one might think that bringing state of the art puppets and effects that hadn't been done before would be enough, but the scriptwriter here didn't think so. The really great device used is that they include Gonzo playing Charles Dickens with Rizo the Rat to act as foil. Instead of being a distraction, they really help to engage you into the story. I’m not sure how kids feel about it, but most the adults I know like the addition. I think because everything else was so wacky, they had to ground the script into the book as much as they could. It's a risky idea, but they made it work.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
The credits are shown over a really great model of Victorian London that will be used through out the production. A lot of love and care when into trying to make this movie look bigger than it is, since it was made on a fairly small scale really, and for the most part it works. After the credits, we get Gonzo and Rizo introducing us the story and giving us the gist of what's going on and how this is going to go. There are a lot of Muppet cameos from all over the Muppet cannon and there is a pretty good integration between Muppet and humans. Not perfect of course, because there is only so much you can do with the two groups and performing on a set that has holes that lead to a six foot drop has got to play merry hell on actor’s nerves. Yeah, the stage was raised six feet so the Muppet performers could perform under the stage, creating big holes in the floor that the human actors had to try and avoid while looking like they were just walking normally.
Sooo cold.
This is a musical version, like all Muppet movies, and the first song starts almost immediately. The song is just an introduction to the character of Scrooge, nice but nothing special. Strangely, I don’t hate the songs here, which is a minor miracle in itself if the pope is counting up Paul Williams’ tally any time soon. Almost all the singers in this movie are Muppets, although Scrooge jumps in on one or two songs and in the longer version (more on that later) there is a young woman who sings. The Muppets are being done by a lot of people at the top of their game and I think there are more Muppets in this movie than there have been in any other movie. It's the best technical work I've seen done by any of the previous Muppet productions.
Oh no, I forgot the safeword!
Kermit plays Bob Cratchit here, which always left me seeing shades of Mickey, but he's not the sole clark in this version. The rats from Muppets take Manhattan are here helping out. The rats encourage Bob to ask for more coal and will encourage him to do other things later. Fred shows up, and he's a person! I would have liked to see Fred be a Muppet, but that’s probably wishing for miscegenation. Fortunately, this is not the kind of Fred that I want to hit with a shovel, in fact I have no feelings about him at all. Check points are taken care of with a fairly swift hand. The Charitable gentlemen, played by Bunsen and Beaker come and go. Bean Bunny shows up as a begging caroler who gets beaned by a wreath.
I'm cute... but creepy
We then get the whole day conversation, and then a very nice song about Christmas Eve. I like the song, it’s a really good song. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got to say about it. The song starts with them cleaning up the office and then walking through the street of London. It also manages to end on a sad and character building moment. After the song, when everyone goes to their respective homes, we're given a final shot of poor Bean shivering in a box on the street. I never fail to notice that bit.
DUDE! It's working! I'm like huge man!
We get a lot of business trying to get Gonzo and Rizo into the house so they can tell the story. This will go on for a while, but it's always amusing. While they do that the Marleys (yes two of them) show up. Jacob and Robert Marley are played by Statler and Waldorf, basically acting like themselves. They're presented as transparent ghosts like they should be. I love that the call Scrooge for the lousiness of the "more gravy than grave" pun before they sing their song. The section is actually somewhat creepy, with the singing cashboxes floating with them and then drag the Marleys away into the darkness. Not too much for kids, but creepy enough. Besides as they say in the movie it's okay because this is culture. I love the conceit of that that line. It’s okay to scare the living crap out of kids if you can tell them it’s a cultural thing. That is so awesome!
Oh man, now I'm tiny like a mouse.
The Ghost of Christmas Past is a floating child of a rod puppet. She was suspended in oil to give the ethereal floating effect she has in the movie. She's more like a floating sheet than anything from the book, but I think it's forgivable because it's such gorgeous work. Most the past is represented as it should be. We see Scrooge as a child at school, we see Scrooge being lonely, and the room falling apart. We get Sam the Eagle plays his schoolmaster sending him off to his first job. Another song is on the soundtrack but was cut from the movie. Fan isn't in this version at all, and it's up to you to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If we agree that this is primarily a kid's movie, I think it can be forgiven. The idea that Scrooge's coldness to his nephew being blamed on the death of his sister might be a little complex for kids. I’m not a big fan of dumbing things down for kids, I rather take them head on and let them fight it out. However, it’s not REALLY needed here is it? This one time? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Um... I got nothing.
Fezziwig is made into Fozzywig, and see if you can guess who was cast in the part. Yeah, it's Fozzy Bear, you get a cookie. The party scene has a lot of random Muppets walking around, and some from older shows, including Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem and even The Swedish Chef. It's here that we meet Belle, and right after we meet, she walks out of his life. In the fullscreen version of the movie she sings a fairly nice song before she goes. It wasn't in the theatrical version so she just walks off without ceremony in the widescreen version after telling Scrooge that he’s turned into a greedy miser to be type. Shades of the song Belle sang are in the movie, but it's only a few notes. Also, Rizo cries.
A singing frog? I bet you could use him to sell frog's legs.
Christmas Present is a large suit muppet and possibly the most cheerful version of that ghost. Even when forced to be cranky, he's still cheery and playful. Christmas Present is one of those suit puppets that I seem to remember uses camera’s in the eyes. The actor’s eyes are actually about seven inches down so they put a camera in the puppet’s eye socket and then pout tiny monitors right in front of the performer’s eyes so that the puppet’s eyeline always matches properly. They started it on Fraggle Rock. The spirit sings a song that sort of explains his entire thesis about how great Christmas is. This song is delivered while they walk around the London set. Using green screen, they manage to put the Spirit into every celebration, including tiny mouse puppets. I like my Christmas Present to be half happy and half ready to slap Scrooge into the mid 1950s, but this one is so jolly and happy I give him a pass.
Seriously, you have got to try this stuff.
We go to Fred's house first and they play a quick game where Scrooge gets insulted. Then we're taken to the Cratchit house, and pretty much all that this entails, which includes another song. I don’t love this song, but I can deal with it. Miss Piggy is cast as Emily Cratchit and Robin is set as Tiny Tim. The Spirit then becomes old and snowy haired and vanishes in sparkles and thus comes the ghost of the future. The music changes, mist rolls in, creep factor goes to eleven. So scared are Rizo and Gonzo that they abandon us and hide out until the end. Can you believe that? They actually ditch us!
Next week he'll be playing a Nazgul
The Christmas Future is a large robed figure, fitting the book mostly. I really like that in this future it rains instead of snows. The gentlemen talking about the dead man are played by pigs huddled under umbrellas. Old Joe is played by a spider that I think I've seen elsewhere but can't place and we've got the full set of players for the parts. I like that they have Scrooge explicitly say that he doesn't understand that it's him their talking about. We then get to the Cratchit house, and learn of Tim's death. Then we see the gravestone and the break down, which doesn't come off as well as it might have.
Wait, hold the horror, I've gotta sneeze.
Then we're given another song which more or less replaces the Scrooge transformation scene. Instead of him going to each person and having a vignette, the song does all the work in montage form. Bean Bunny gets to be the boy who gets the turkey for Scrooge. Scrooge sings his song, walks in, hugs Fred, walks out again. Instead of waiting for the next morning, Scrooge shows up at Bob Cratchit's house and gives him the raised salary speech. We then get the last bit of narration and then another song. And for some reason, Fred and the entire Muppet cast shows up in Bob Cratchit's house, and then crowd outside of it. It's a nice final moment for everyone, I guess. I don’t know why Fred shows up, maybe he just wanted to sing with Muppets. Fred always bugs me anyway.
Let’s just assume I put a cocaine joke here okay?
As I said before, this is the best version of the story for kids. Some adults might have a problem here or there, but I think there is enough charm in the movie to forgive those moments. Now I've got two DVDs of this movie. One is the fullscreen version with some specials and a commentary. The other has both full and widescreen versions with different specials but the same commentary on the fullscreen version.
Who loves ya baby?
There are a lot of things I forgive in this version that I wouldn’t normally forgive. It’s not so much because it’s the Muppets, but rather because the things that are changed are played with such charm that I can’t help but smile. If you like A Christmas Carol, you could do a lot worse than watching this version. Believe me, I did 7 reviews last year so I can name at least two places where you could do much, much worse than this. Actually, I can name four but as two of those didn’t get reviewed I’ll spare the mud. Besides, I might need to sling it later.
Real Simple Version
When I was a kid, the Christians would get angry every year that stores would put Christmas in all their advertisements because it was seen as a cynical attempt to cash in on the faith. Every year I'd hear about how the stores were robbing the holiday of its importance and stripping them of their faith. I heard a lot of screaming and shouting about this as a kid.
So the stores stopped using Christmas in their ads so much.
Then the Christians got all up in arms because the stores WEREN'T cynically trying to cash in on their faith. They even claimed their faith was under attack and that they were being stripped of their rights (odd claim for a majority, but there it is) and they scream and shout a lot.
Now, you'll pardon me for saying this, but it seems that these Christians just like being angry and giving decent Christians a bad name. It seems, from an outsider’s view, like nothing will ever please them. They just want to scream and shout about things. It might be that the two groups are different factions, but I know some of these people and they are the same people in both examples. I know normal, everyday, sane Christians know the difference between an attack on faith and trying to be inclusive, so it must just be a handful of nutjobs.
It just seems to me that there is no point placating any of these people, because they'll only find something else to be unpleasant about.
Besides, I can't help but think that sale price is going to be more important this year than what word is used in advertisements. I can't help but notice everyone is a little cash strapped this year, but trying desperately to act as if nothing is wrong. I think people would rush to a store that used the banner "Religion is a lie! Stop being foolish!" if they had cheaper DVD players than Wal-Mart has.
So the stores stopped using Christmas in their ads so much.
Then the Christians got all up in arms because the stores WEREN'T cynically trying to cash in on their faith. They even claimed their faith was under attack and that they were being stripped of their rights (odd claim for a majority, but there it is) and they scream and shout a lot.
Now, you'll pardon me for saying this, but it seems that these Christians just like being angry and giving decent Christians a bad name. It seems, from an outsider’s view, like nothing will ever please them. They just want to scream and shout about things. It might be that the two groups are different factions, but I know some of these people and they are the same people in both examples. I know normal, everyday, sane Christians know the difference between an attack on faith and trying to be inclusive, so it must just be a handful of nutjobs.
It just seems to me that there is no point placating any of these people, because they'll only find something else to be unpleasant about.
Besides, I can't help but think that sale price is going to be more important this year than what word is used in advertisements. I can't help but notice everyone is a little cash strapped this year, but trying desperately to act as if nothing is wrong. I think people would rush to a store that used the banner "Religion is a lie! Stop being foolish!" if they had cheaper DVD players than Wal-Mart has.
Hard Boiled Christmas (Day Four)
Hard Boiled Christmas
A Jack Collier Mystery
By Brett N. Lashuay
Day Four: Lunch at the Mall
You’re not actually allowed to call Somerset a mall really, because a mall is where the poor people shop. It’s called the Somerset Collection and they have people who will break your legs if you refer to it as a mall. It is a mall, in all technical and realistic ways, but a mall is some place where common people shop and this place is in TroyHowever, it’s where the people common to Troy go shopping, so I call it a mall even if the shoppers spend more on shoes than I make in a year. I always figure that it’s a safe place to meet people though, particularly if I want to do it quietly. No one would ever suspect me of actually going to a mall, nor most the people I need to meet secretly. Since no one would ever think of looking for us there, it’s the perfect place to meet.
I was sitting at one of the tables on the third floor section which served as a food court, drinking cola from a paper cup and waiting for Noonan when I spotted my fellow traveler. When you are being followed by someone, it’s easy to tell because of the way many of them act. Look for the person who isn’t looking at anything particular and is defiantly not looking at you. This person will show up a few times during the day and will always be looking at something else.
He was dressed in a brown corduroy suit that had come with a vest and a brown bow tie. He was looking at people as they passed by, the shops across the way from where we sat, his plate of food, but never at me. To test this I stared at him for a good long time, daring him to look up at me. Despite the fact that I was sitting and staring at him, he never even glanced in my direction. It hard to not even look at a person who is staring right at you, try it sometime and see if I’m not right. He looked familiar for some reason, and I wondered if I’d slapped him around before or something.
I heard Noonan’s foot steps behind me and finally turned around after what might have been thirty seconds of me daring the man in the brown corduroy suit to make eye contact. I caught a motion of his head as I turned. He’d looked up at me before he was completely out of sight, bad move on his part. It was unfortunate that he would confirm my suspicions like that as it meant that he was not as adept at playing the game as I was. Either that or I really am a paranoid nut, just like the shrinks said.
“There is a man in a brown suit looking at you.” Noonan said as he dropped a large manila envelope on the table between us, proving the shrinks wrong again.
“Yes.” I said picking up the envelope. “I was just having a staring contest with the top of his head.”
“Huh.” He said rolling his tongue around in his check. “Who’d be following you this early?”
“No idea.” I said shaking my head, “You and the Fat Man are the only ones who know I’m on the job.”
One of Noonan’s big hands landed flat across the envelope. His voice sounded concerned and a little strained. Noonan wasn’t a particularly tall man, but he was pretty big for his size. I didn’t know what his full reaction would be, but I didn’t like my chances if I had to fight him for the file.
“Why does the Fat Man know?” He asked carefully.
“He’s paying the bills on this one.” I said yanking the envelope out from under his fingers. “I’m working for myself, or more accurately Christmas, but he’s funding the expedition.”
“Yeah.” He said as I undid the metal clasp that held the flap down. “But the Fat Man?”
“He’s got the cash to pay my bills.” I shrugged and opened the envelope. “What do we know about this?”
“These are just a few more details.” He said pointing at the pages of copied reports. “She was found in the parking lot, six hundred dollars in her wallet. We found a necklace that had been torn off caught on her coat, but it had probably just been snapped off during the attack. Nothing was taken, and we couldn’t find evidence of any rape or molestation. They just dragged her away from where ever they found her, went to town on her and left her in the parking lot.”
“Find her purse?”
“No.” He shook his head. “But I’m assuming she dropped it where ever she was grabbed.”
“Anything in her system?”
“Not anything that wouldn’t normally be there at this time of year.”
“Ah.” I said after glancing at him for a second.
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“So besides being drunk as a lord and high as a kite, she wasn’t impaired in anyway?”
“No.” He shook his head, and some little bell rang in my head.
“What kind of lights did they try to strangle her with?” I asked, stalling until I could figure out what that bell ringing in the back of my head was.
“String lights.” He said with a shrug. “You know, the kind that are on all the trees this time of year. White lights, I think, just normal ordinary lights.”
“Okay.” I said coming across a picture, and that delayed my wondering about the little warning bell that had gone off a moment ago.
I won’t describe the eight by ten color glossy photographs, which did indeed have circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one. They had been taken in a hospital room, after the doctors had said that she was stable enough for that. They were of the form of an adult woman, one with perhaps more pounds that might have been thought of as healthy. She hadn’t been like that when I’d known her. She’d ballooned quite badly in the last few years and had doubled her weight. If it was her, I’d need to see ID or fingerprints to prove it. The face was badly smashed, and then it had been cut up with some kind of knife. The final word on it was that while I knew it was her, it could have been anyone.
I put the photographs face down and read the report quickly. Noonan had been right, they didn’t really tell me anything else besides the exact location she’d been found and other such details that, while they might have seemed important to whoever wrote them, they were useless to me. I looked at the top of the report and noted that actually they weren’t important to the person writing. Tom had written the reports, so the detail was just for the benefit of his bosses who would want everything he had.
I put the packet of papers and eight by ten color glossy photographs with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one saying what each one was back in the envelope. I then pushed it back towards Noonan and leaned back in the chair. He slid the envelope the rest of the way towards him and sat with his hand on it. His eyes flicked over my shoulder, which I assumed meant the man in the brown suit was still there.
“So, where do you think you’ll start?” He asked.
“You’ve talked to Church?” I asked,
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Last night, after we found her.”
“And the Fat Man?”
“Today.”
“So in order for me to cover anything I’ve got to go in a different direction.” I said tapping the table just to let it know who was boss. “Someplace where you’re not going to look right away. Someplace where no one would think to start.”
“Where would that be?” He asked.
“The beginning of course.” I said smiling at the thought. “You’re starting at the end and trying to work back to who did it. I think I’ll start at the beginning and follow the trail to where ever it leads.”
“Won’t that take a while?” He asked.
“Not the way I do it.” I said shaking my head and pointing to my nose. “This nose always finds the quickest route.”
“Are you trying to be some Victorian throwback or something?” He asked while making a face.
“You don’t like my ‘the nose knows’ shtick?”
“No.” He said plainly.
“Well fine.” I said with mild dejection.
I wonder what might have happened if Noonan’s phone had rung a few minutes later. I might have stumbled around a lot longer than I had, without the crucial clue which came up because of it. Of course like everything in that case, I missed it for the longest time, but it did eventually tip me off. The point of course was that Noonan’s phone rang just at the moment when I was going to announce how busy I was and that I had to get going. His cell phone made a noise though, and I was horrified that I recognized the Crazy Frog song coming from his pocket. He held up his hand and opened the flip phone to press it to his ear.
“Noonan.” He said professionally. “Yeah? Where? Say again. No, it’s fine. I’m going to bring Collier with me, he’s lending some consultation. No, lending, he won’t cost us anything. Yeah. Yeah, he knew her. That’s why I’m talking to him. We’ll be there in a little while.”
He closed the phone jotted down a few things in his ubiquitous notebook, rubbed his chin and looked up at me. He then looked behind me and tilted his head a little, he then made a sweep of the mall food court.
“My minder gone?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He said and sounded slightly confused. “He was there when I answered the phone.”
“Not to worry.” I said. “What am I being dragged along to?”
“They found her car.” He told me. “In Pontiac of all places, in some liquor store parking lot.”
“Did they?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He nodded again. “You want to ride with me?”
“No.” I shook my head and scratched an itch on the side of my cheek, “I’m willing to bet the man in the brown corduroy suit knows where we’re going, let’s let him know that we know too.”
This is part four of twenty-five, come back tomorrow for part five and every day this month until we're done to see what happens next. If you get lost, one of the tags here should help you. The HBC tag will take you to the story while the Jack Tag will take you to Part One of every story we post here.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Cartoon Review: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
I was told this was on CBS tonight, so maybe you want to see a review?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964 Videocraft Intl. Ltd. Dir. Larry Roemer)
Wait. Why in hell does a snow man at the North Pole need an umbrella? Is he affraid it'll snow on him or something?
You know, I wonder if there was ever a child who looked at Sam the Snowman at the beginning of this and thought 'Oh Burl Ives, I like him' because I spent most my life not even knowing who he was. I suppose the adults knew him, which would give them something they could latch onto. And boy howdy does a rational being need something to latch onto with this production! I haven't actually even watched this in a couple of years because it gives me such a headache trying to wrap my mind around not only the logical inconsistencies but the great injustices that go unpunished.
What a colorless world they live in. Even the food is pale gray. You’ll notice he has some red wine though.
The story starts with Sam the Snowman telling us about how a big snow storm a couple of years ago almost canceled Christmas. This is a reoccurring theme, they always seem to be on the verge of canceling Christmas in these shows. I've never understood how it was supposed to be done, like Santa calls it off and then sends enforcers to kill anyone who is caught praying to the Baby Jesus? I figure its stupid shows like this that got bigoted dickheads thinking there was a war on Christmas in the first place.
Oh kid, if only you knew the problems that nose was going to cause you. You should have just gone and been a road sign.
Anyway, Sam tells us all about a place he calls Christmas town. No one else calls it that, just him. Sam's sort of in a world all his own. He tells us about how this is where they grow Christmas trees, which is a lie because we always got ours at a tree farm in Armada. So either I have to accept a talking snow man telling me "Ur doin it wrong!" or I have to suspect everything he says. Frankly, I love the idea of an unreliable narrator in a kids Christmas tale, so I'm going with that! We see inside the Claus residence, which is a bleaker place than I imagined. The dining room is all gray and white. Even the food is gray! Mrs. Claus is giving Santa a ration of stuff because he hasn't eaten a bite and who ever heard of a skinny Santa, but I contend he just doesn't want to eat that gray food. Mrs. Claus seems obsessed with getting him fat too, like she's trying to kill him. This yo-yo dieting will be hard on the old man's heart. I'm telling you she's got her eye on that big fat insurance policy she bought for him a couple of years back.
None of the boy elves besides Hermey have hair. The girls all have blond hair. Hermey has long blond hair. Just sayin'
Now I've got to talk about the music while we're going through the opening credits. This is a musical, and much of the story is built around shoe-horning the songs in. Sometimes they fit, other times they only sort of fit. It depends on the song and the placement. I can't exactly say how many songs there are, I lose track every time because I tend to fast forward through them. I'm just not a musicals kind of guy.
Why in Dante's hell does a reindeer need a baseball cap? No really, why?
So Rudolph is born and they discover within a few seconds that Rudolph has a glowing red nose. With in about 14 seconds, Santa shows up and sings a song about jingling bells tells Rudolph he sucks and leaves. That’s it, he just shows up to insult our hero and sing a disturbing song. He in fact says he's the king of ding-a-ling, which explains my discomfort around Santa. He is based on a child-loving Catholic priest after all. Once his totally out of the blue song is over, he tells Rudolph to stop being a red nosed freak or he'll never have a spot on his team. Evidently if you're not exactly 100% perfect, Santa wants nothing to do with you. Santa is a dick. Santa also threatens to cancel Christmas if the nose doesn't stop soon. Santa tries to cancel Christmas for any reason he can find. All he needs is an excuse. Donner, in a desperate attempt to stop his son from beinggay a red nosed freak, puts him on the football team a cap of mud over it. Even Sam gets into calling Rudolph a jerk, claiming that it's a non-conformity to have been born with a red nose. Like he could have been born normal but decided not to conform to normal standards. Having a red nose is clearly a choice, if his parents just sent him to one of those camps he could be come an ex-red nose.
If this isn't just a little creepy to you, something is wrong with you.
From there we meet the other protagonist in this story, a blonde haired elf with rounded ears. His name is Hermey and I think the reason he doesn't fit in is because he's clearly the only gay elf. No one else has that fabulous blonde swoosh, or even any hair besides the girls. In the show, Hermey wants to be a dentist and I must admit it's the first time I ever heard it called that! Hermey is derided for his wish tosuck on legal aged boys stick is hands into other people's mouths. Evidently, elves must make toys, they can't be dentists. Hermey sings a short songlet which we will hear again later and the scene ends.
They said I was mad! I'll show them who's mad!
Meanwhile Rudolph is forced to wear a plastic cap or something over his nose. His father, so blinded by his need to get his son on the team he tells his son that he's no good. There is then a song by Santa's Elves shoe-horned in there. I must admit I fast forward at this point. I skip most the songs, because they are interminable. Santa hates the song and runs away from the scene in a hurry. There is then even more deliberate humiliating of Hermey. His boss screams at him and all but leaves him a gun with one bullet so that hisdentistry gayness won't infect the rest of his group. Wait! Did I strike out the wrong thing there? Hard to keep track of all this subtext.
Yeah! A snow man. Playing a banjo. In a snow field. With a decorated tree. Where's your god now?
Rudolph makes friends easily when he's allowed to play with other reindeer his age. He even gets a girlfriend named Clarice for about half a minute before his nose cap flies off and everyone sees that he's not reallyArian normal. Santa takes the time to humiliate Donner by pointing out how because of the nose his son is worthless. Santa marches off in disgust, ashamed that one of his reindeer managed to spawn a freak. Clarice doesn't seem to mind the nose, which makes her and Rudolph's mom the only ones. They don't get time to be together though as Clarice sings a shoe horned song with some creepy animals frolicking around her and then her father chases Rudolph off. Not to put too fine a point on it, everyone besides the chicks at the North Pole is a bigot!
Scariest puppet this side of the icecapades.
Hermey and Rudolph meet up, and decide to pal around together because who else have they got to hang out with? They sing another song, only about a minute and a half after the last song ended. They decide to head off for California together, but it turns out San Fran is a lot further away than they thought. They get caught in a snow storm and chased by the Abominable snow man. Rudolph and Hermey then meet up with the greatest character ever to appear in a Go-Motion Animagic cartoon thingy! YUKON CORNELIUS! He's the greatest prospector in the north! He's searching for silver and gold, and guess what? Yeah, its time for another song. With in this song they don't just make demands that the characters conform, even the trees have to be dripping with silver and gold to be called a Christmas tree. There is no such thing a tolerance here.
You know guys, when this starts to melt and it will, we are so boned.
The trio decides that three is just about the right number for a memorable cast of main characters. They also decide that they have to run away from the snow monster, so they get on a passing ice flow and just let the currents take them away. While they're doing this Donner finally feels bad about being such a cockbite and try to go after Rudolph, but not before telling his wife to stay home because she's just a chick. Sexism can be added to the crimes now. Also, speaking of which, female reindeer have antlers, why don't these? They must have been taken off by the males to subjugate them further. Our hero's ice boat crashed into the island of misfit toys.
This bird can't fly! Remember that, it swims. There is a fish bowl right next to it for that purpose. The bird can't fly!
I think the Island of Misfit Toys is possibly the best thing in this show. So many of the toys described in yet another song seem so cool. I would have loved a owl that swims under water, or a polka dotted elephant, or a cowboy that rides an ostrich or a Charlie in the Box. I mean really! Anyone can have Jack in a box, but Charlie? No one has Charlie in the box! However, Santa sent them here and forced them to stay by firing heavy anti aircraft guns at anyone who tried to leave. I'm guessing now but it fits everything else they've done.
Feeling a little uncomfortable oogling a teen-aged reindeer's butt? Is there something you're not telling us? Or perhaps yourself?
Rudolph thinks it would be cool to stay on the island, since they're misfits too. They go to talk to the king of the island, but it seems since they're not toys they can't live there. Even among misfits, they can't stay there either. This doesn't stop the king from telling them that they need to go and tell Santa to come get the toys or else find a reindeer's head in bed with him. Rudolph worries that he's going to get his buddies killed because his nose keeps attracting the snow man, so he takes off alone. Rudolph is the only noble character we've seen so far. Don't worry though he won't actually be the last person to show a decent streak. I don't hate Yukon or Hermey, just so we're clear on that. They didn't know he was going to take off, he went in the night. They probably spent all the next morning trying to follow his tracks and hiring guides to help look for him. They tried, but there was now snow and the ice and besides Golden Girls was on!
MMMM, lunch!
Rudolph does some growing up, getting stronger, and stops in China for a while to learn kung-fu from an ancient master. HEY! You do what you need to in order to make the show watchable and I'll do what I need to do okay? Some of us have booze, some have dreams of kung-fu reindeer. Rudolph goes back home and is told by Santa that everyone he's ever loved has left. Santa then proves what a sack of crap he is by only being able to relate the missing deer through his personal prism, complaining that if everyone isn't here he'll never get his sleigh off the ground. The fact that loved ones might be dead or in great pain means nothing to this bastard, because they’re not real people or anything. The only thing that he’s concerned with whether or not he can get his sleigh off! Why is he bothering to pretend anyway? You know he’s just going to find some other pretext to use in order to cancel Christmas.
Okay, how can you not make a sodomy joke here?
Rudolph decides to go save everyone, and that's when the storm hits. The entire town is being torn up by the storm, and poor Rudolph has to go out on his own. As I said though, he now knows kung fu and can face forces that would kill a normal reindeer. Rudolph gets to the cave of the snow monster just in time, since sweet Clarice was about to be made a meal of. Rudolph engages his mad kung fu skills to lay the smack down on the snow monster, but he didn't reckon with the fact that the snow monster can just grab a piece of cave and hit him with it. Rudolph gets soundly pwned!
I think he still has that reindeer lodged up his butt. Those antlers must sting.
At just the last moment, Hermey and YUKON CORNELIUS show up to save the day. See, they've been looking for Rudolph ever since he left because they didn't care about his nose, they cared about him. To prove that they're the only decent people north of the tree line, they decide to save their pal. Hermey makes pig noises to distract the monster and Yukon just up and slugs the ugly monster in the face. Well, he drops some rocks on him, but it's much the same thing. Then Hermey goes to town on the monster with his pliers, yanking out his teeth with out and anesthetic or anything. Then Yukon really does go in for some pwnination, unfortunately knocking himself and his dogs over the edge with the monster.
I know I've been a dick, but I need to make up with you while the cameras are rolling.
Sad at heart, the survivors forget about Yukon and go back to town. When they arrive they tell the story of how they saved the day while those status quo monkeys had cowered. Even Santa realizes that if he doesn't make amends soon, the media is going to tear him apart. He patches things up with Rudolph and Hermey is told that he can open a dentist's office. And then, who should come in to the large castle of Santa clause but and the snow monster who Yukon single handedly brought into the fold by having the biggest come to Fancy meeting you ever done heard about.
Well, now that we've ripped out his teeth and castrated him, he's as gentle as a lamb. His life has lost all meaning, but we can feel safe around him.
Now, the storm it seemed to keep it up, and shows no signs of slowing. Santa announces that he's going to cancel Christmas, because one person can do that. I'm telling you, this is why people are so wound up, one store can totally cancel Christmas, in fact just one person it seems can do it. And Santa wants to cancel Christmas for anything. If his wife says "I've got a stomach ache." He's all like "Oh man, we'd better cancel Christmas!" And she's all "It's July, I'll get over it by December." But he's all "No, no! Can't chance it!" He announces to the group that Christmas is off because of the storm and then realizes that Rudolph has a bright nose which could guide them.
JAZZ HANDS!
I always wanted to see this show remade or at least re-voiced with Chris Rock or someone like that in the part of Rudolph. I've got the script all ready for him… "Oh I see how it is! When I was just a useless freak you couldn't drive me out of the North Pole fast enough. All the sudden though, when you got a bad storm on your hand all the sudden you need the red nosed freak don't ya? Well screw you fatso! Strap a halogen to your face and do it yourself! You should have thought about the fact that you might need someone before you treated me like shit! C'mon Hermey, let's go to Burger King!" For being such a dick as Santa has, he doesn't deserve to have anything work out for him. It does though, they all go off together because Rudolph still craves acceptance. You know next week they're going to tell Rudolph he's not needed again don't you? Santa is only doing this because this time he needs Rudolph. He only goes to the Island of Misfit Toys because Rudolph wouldn't lead the sleigh otherwise. Next year when the weathers better they're all screwed.
Hey look! Roy Orbison showed up to do a cameo as an elf!
One last little bit of pain though. The bird that can't fly is just tossed out of the sleigh without the umbrella to slow his fall. That bird is sent to his death because an elf made an incorrect assumption about a misfit toy. It's tragic because it is the bird that had a line in the song about not being able to fly, we saw him tell us he can't fly and he's pushed off the sleigh to his death. He even opens an umbrella to tease the bird before pushing him off and waving to him as he plummets to his death. An innocent bird is murdered because they still can't grasp the concept of a misfit after all that time.
Cold. Blooded. Murder.
The people of the North Pole are a bunch of bigots and murderers and there is nothing more to say about them. They'll only pretend to be your friend after you've saved their lives or made sure that they didn't have to cancel Christmas. I they are all evil and I hate them! You know what? I'm calling off Christmas! As a result of this hateful special I'm calling the whole thing off. If Santa can do it, so can I. No more Christmas until things like this are expunged!
Wait a second, why in hell are there only 6 reindeer and Rudolph? Where are the other two on sick leave?
Also, Music
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964 Videocraft Intl. Ltd. Dir. Larry Roemer)
Wait. Why in hell does a snow man at the North Pole need an umbrella? Is he affraid it'll snow on him or something?
You know, I wonder if there was ever a child who looked at Sam the Snowman at the beginning of this and thought 'Oh Burl Ives, I like him' because I spent most my life not even knowing who he was. I suppose the adults knew him, which would give them something they could latch onto. And boy howdy does a rational being need something to latch onto with this production! I haven't actually even watched this in a couple of years because it gives me such a headache trying to wrap my mind around not only the logical inconsistencies but the great injustices that go unpunished.
What a colorless world they live in. Even the food is pale gray. You’ll notice he has some red wine though.
The story starts with Sam the Snowman telling us about how a big snow storm a couple of years ago almost canceled Christmas. This is a reoccurring theme, they always seem to be on the verge of canceling Christmas in these shows. I've never understood how it was supposed to be done, like Santa calls it off and then sends enforcers to kill anyone who is caught praying to the Baby Jesus? I figure its stupid shows like this that got bigoted dickheads thinking there was a war on Christmas in the first place.
Oh kid, if only you knew the problems that nose was going to cause you. You should have just gone and been a road sign.
Anyway, Sam tells us all about a place he calls Christmas town. No one else calls it that, just him. Sam's sort of in a world all his own. He tells us about how this is where they grow Christmas trees, which is a lie because we always got ours at a tree farm in Armada. So either I have to accept a talking snow man telling me "Ur doin it wrong!" or I have to suspect everything he says. Frankly, I love the idea of an unreliable narrator in a kids Christmas tale, so I'm going with that! We see inside the Claus residence, which is a bleaker place than I imagined. The dining room is all gray and white. Even the food is gray! Mrs. Claus is giving Santa a ration of stuff because he hasn't eaten a bite and who ever heard of a skinny Santa, but I contend he just doesn't want to eat that gray food. Mrs. Claus seems obsessed with getting him fat too, like she's trying to kill him. This yo-yo dieting will be hard on the old man's heart. I'm telling you she's got her eye on that big fat insurance policy she bought for him a couple of years back.
None of the boy elves besides Hermey have hair. The girls all have blond hair. Hermey has long blond hair. Just sayin'
Now I've got to talk about the music while we're going through the opening credits. This is a musical, and much of the story is built around shoe-horning the songs in. Sometimes they fit, other times they only sort of fit. It depends on the song and the placement. I can't exactly say how many songs there are, I lose track every time because I tend to fast forward through them. I'm just not a musicals kind of guy.
Why in Dante's hell does a reindeer need a baseball cap? No really, why?
So Rudolph is born and they discover within a few seconds that Rudolph has a glowing red nose. With in about 14 seconds, Santa shows up and sings a song about jingling bells tells Rudolph he sucks and leaves. That’s it, he just shows up to insult our hero and sing a disturbing song. He in fact says he's the king of ding-a-ling, which explains my discomfort around Santa. He is based on a child-loving Catholic priest after all. Once his totally out of the blue song is over, he tells Rudolph to stop being a red nosed freak or he'll never have a spot on his team. Evidently if you're not exactly 100% perfect, Santa wants nothing to do with you. Santa is a dick. Santa also threatens to cancel Christmas if the nose doesn't stop soon. Santa tries to cancel Christmas for any reason he can find. All he needs is an excuse. Donner, in a desperate attempt to stop his son from being
If this isn't just a little creepy to you, something is wrong with you.
From there we meet the other protagonist in this story, a blonde haired elf with rounded ears. His name is Hermey and I think the reason he doesn't fit in is because he's clearly the only gay elf. No one else has that fabulous blonde swoosh, or even any hair besides the girls. In the show, Hermey wants to be a dentist and I must admit it's the first time I ever heard it called that! Hermey is derided for his wish to
They said I was mad! I'll show them who's mad!
Meanwhile Rudolph is forced to wear a plastic cap or something over his nose. His father, so blinded by his need to get his son on the team he tells his son that he's no good. There is then a song by Santa's Elves shoe-horned in there. I must admit I fast forward at this point. I skip most the songs, because they are interminable. Santa hates the song and runs away from the scene in a hurry. There is then even more deliberate humiliating of Hermey. His boss screams at him and all but leaves him a gun with one bullet so that his
Yeah! A snow man. Playing a banjo. In a snow field. With a decorated tree. Where's your god now?
Rudolph makes friends easily when he's allowed to play with other reindeer his age. He even gets a girlfriend named Clarice for about half a minute before his nose cap flies off and everyone sees that he's not really
Scariest puppet this side of the icecapades.
Hermey and Rudolph meet up, and decide to pal around together because who else have they got to hang out with? They sing another song, only about a minute and a half after the last song ended. They decide to head off for California together, but it turns out San Fran is a lot further away than they thought. They get caught in a snow storm and chased by the Abominable snow man. Rudolph and Hermey then meet up with the greatest character ever to appear in a Go-Motion Animagic cartoon thingy! YUKON CORNELIUS! He's the greatest prospector in the north! He's searching for silver and gold, and guess what? Yeah, its time for another song. With in this song they don't just make demands that the characters conform, even the trees have to be dripping with silver and gold to be called a Christmas tree. There is no such thing a tolerance here.
You know guys, when this starts to melt and it will, we are so boned.
The trio decides that three is just about the right number for a memorable cast of main characters. They also decide that they have to run away from the snow monster, so they get on a passing ice flow and just let the currents take them away. While they're doing this Donner finally feels bad about being such a cockbite and try to go after Rudolph, but not before telling his wife to stay home because she's just a chick. Sexism can be added to the crimes now. Also, speaking of which, female reindeer have antlers, why don't these? They must have been taken off by the males to subjugate them further. Our hero's ice boat crashed into the island of misfit toys.
This bird can't fly! Remember that, it swims. There is a fish bowl right next to it for that purpose. The bird can't fly!
I think the Island of Misfit Toys is possibly the best thing in this show. So many of the toys described in yet another song seem so cool. I would have loved a owl that swims under water, or a polka dotted elephant, or a cowboy that rides an ostrich or a Charlie in the Box. I mean really! Anyone can have Jack in a box, but Charlie? No one has Charlie in the box! However, Santa sent them here and forced them to stay by firing heavy anti aircraft guns at anyone who tried to leave. I'm guessing now but it fits everything else they've done.
Feeling a little uncomfortable oogling a teen-aged reindeer's butt? Is there something you're not telling us? Or perhaps yourself?
Rudolph thinks it would be cool to stay on the island, since they're misfits too. They go to talk to the king of the island, but it seems since they're not toys they can't live there. Even among misfits, they can't stay there either. This doesn't stop the king from telling them that they need to go and tell Santa to come get the toys or else find a reindeer's head in bed with him. Rudolph worries that he's going to get his buddies killed because his nose keeps attracting the snow man, so he takes off alone. Rudolph is the only noble character we've seen so far. Don't worry though he won't actually be the last person to show a decent streak. I don't hate Yukon or Hermey, just so we're clear on that. They didn't know he was going to take off, he went in the night. They probably spent all the next morning trying to follow his tracks and hiring guides to help look for him. They tried, but there was now snow and the ice and besides Golden Girls was on!
MMMM, lunch!
Rudolph does some growing up, getting stronger, and stops in China for a while to learn kung-fu from an ancient master. HEY! You do what you need to in order to make the show watchable and I'll do what I need to do okay? Some of us have booze, some have dreams of kung-fu reindeer. Rudolph goes back home and is told by Santa that everyone he's ever loved has left. Santa then proves what a sack of crap he is by only being able to relate the missing deer through his personal prism, complaining that if everyone isn't here he'll never get his sleigh off the ground. The fact that loved ones might be dead or in great pain means nothing to this bastard, because they’re not real people or anything. The only thing that he’s concerned with whether or not he can get his sleigh off! Why is he bothering to pretend anyway? You know he’s just going to find some other pretext to use in order to cancel Christmas.
Okay, how can you not make a sodomy joke here?
Rudolph decides to go save everyone, and that's when the storm hits. The entire town is being torn up by the storm, and poor Rudolph has to go out on his own. As I said though, he now knows kung fu and can face forces that would kill a normal reindeer. Rudolph gets to the cave of the snow monster just in time, since sweet Clarice was about to be made a meal of. Rudolph engages his mad kung fu skills to lay the smack down on the snow monster, but he didn't reckon with the fact that the snow monster can just grab a piece of cave and hit him with it. Rudolph gets soundly pwned!
I think he still has that reindeer lodged up his butt. Those antlers must sting.
At just the last moment, Hermey and YUKON CORNELIUS show up to save the day. See, they've been looking for Rudolph ever since he left because they didn't care about his nose, they cared about him. To prove that they're the only decent people north of the tree line, they decide to save their pal. Hermey makes pig noises to distract the monster and Yukon just up and slugs the ugly monster in the face. Well, he drops some rocks on him, but it's much the same thing. Then Hermey goes to town on the monster with his pliers, yanking out his teeth with out and anesthetic or anything. Then Yukon really does go in for some pwnination, unfortunately knocking himself and his dogs over the edge with the monster.
I know I've been a dick, but I need to make up with you while the cameras are rolling.
Sad at heart, the survivors forget about Yukon and go back to town. When they arrive they tell the story of how they saved the day while those status quo monkeys had cowered. Even Santa realizes that if he doesn't make amends soon, the media is going to tear him apart. He patches things up with Rudolph and Hermey is told that he can open a dentist's office. And then, who should come in to the large castle of Santa clause but and the snow monster who Yukon single handedly brought into the fold by having the biggest come to Fancy meeting you ever done heard about.
Well, now that we've ripped out his teeth and castrated him, he's as gentle as a lamb. His life has lost all meaning, but we can feel safe around him.
Now, the storm it seemed to keep it up, and shows no signs of slowing. Santa announces that he's going to cancel Christmas, because one person can do that. I'm telling you, this is why people are so wound up, one store can totally cancel Christmas, in fact just one person it seems can do it. And Santa wants to cancel Christmas for anything. If his wife says "I've got a stomach ache." He's all like "Oh man, we'd better cancel Christmas!" And she's all "It's July, I'll get over it by December." But he's all "No, no! Can't chance it!" He announces to the group that Christmas is off because of the storm and then realizes that Rudolph has a bright nose which could guide them.
JAZZ HANDS!
I always wanted to see this show remade or at least re-voiced with Chris Rock or someone like that in the part of Rudolph. I've got the script all ready for him… "Oh I see how it is! When I was just a useless freak you couldn't drive me out of the North Pole fast enough. All the sudden though, when you got a bad storm on your hand all the sudden you need the red nosed freak don't ya? Well screw you fatso! Strap a halogen to your face and do it yourself! You should have thought about the fact that you might need someone before you treated me like shit! C'mon Hermey, let's go to Burger King!" For being such a dick as Santa has, he doesn't deserve to have anything work out for him. It does though, they all go off together because Rudolph still craves acceptance. You know next week they're going to tell Rudolph he's not needed again don't you? Santa is only doing this because this time he needs Rudolph. He only goes to the Island of Misfit Toys because Rudolph wouldn't lead the sleigh otherwise. Next year when the weathers better they're all screwed.
Hey look! Roy Orbison showed up to do a cameo as an elf!
One last little bit of pain though. The bird that can't fly is just tossed out of the sleigh without the umbrella to slow his fall. That bird is sent to his death because an elf made an incorrect assumption about a misfit toy. It's tragic because it is the bird that had a line in the song about not being able to fly, we saw him tell us he can't fly and he's pushed off the sleigh to his death. He even opens an umbrella to tease the bird before pushing him off and waving to him as he plummets to his death. An innocent bird is murdered because they still can't grasp the concept of a misfit after all that time.
Cold. Blooded. Murder.
The people of the North Pole are a bunch of bigots and murderers and there is nothing more to say about them. They'll only pretend to be your friend after you've saved their lives or made sure that they didn't have to cancel Christmas. I they are all evil and I hate them! You know what? I'm calling off Christmas! As a result of this hateful special I'm calling the whole thing off. If Santa can do it, so can I. No more Christmas until things like this are expunged!
Wait a second, why in hell are there only 6 reindeer and Rudolph? Where are the other two on sick leave?
Also, Music
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